Citation: not a statistic . "Derailed: An Experience with Cocaine (exp70619)". Erowid.org. Apr 21, 2017. erowid.org/exp/70619
||(powder / crystals)
The quick version of the last 6 months of my life. First I am a 34 year old woman who has experimented with drugs on and off since I was a teen. I have tried everything from weed, pills, ecstasy, lsd, shrooms, and coke. We (husband and I) have been together since I was in high school. We never did coke but only a hand full of times from high school until recently. It was always just too expensive up north but down south it's an entirely different ball game and not cut like it was up there. Whenever we used it up there it was never really a big deal because it wasn't so clean.
Anyway the holidays are ready to roll around and we decide to get a ball and have some fun. Well that's what it was too, it was fun and wow I finally understand why people like this stuff. Within 3 minutes after doing it I got warm, thirsty, talkative, happy, and thought wow this will last us forever. Well it started out that way. We probably had it for almost 2 weeks. This is the part they didn't tell me you about when it's gone you want to do more.
So we got another one and this kept going until we were getting at least a ball a week. Still not bad. I was using 3 times a week sometimes 4 and it was still making me feel so good. Everything was great. The house was always clean, laundry always done and I was always ahead with my job! It wasn't a problem financially so why could this ever be a problem? I'm going to tell you.
My husband was over it. He never really did get into it like I did. I am a social person anyway and this made it even better. He could just stop and chill out then go to bed. I didn't want to. I never wanted it to end by this point so I would stay up alone and do it all night. This is clue number 1 that a problem is beginning. Then at times I would still be up when he got up the next day. I always said I had been to bed but it was a lie. Then it went to 2 balls a week.
Ok things are still good, home always clean, laundry always done, job is in check but don't want to be around friends anymore. Only want to do it by myself because I get so paranoid now, and husband is starting to get quite upset with my all-nighters. Something has to change. At this point probably 3 straight months into it by now and remember it was only going to be a holiday thing.
I can't get this off my mind it's all I think about all I want to do all that makes me happy. I cut my social life off completely by the 4th month.
I cut my social life off completely by the 4th month.
I'm using every other day by now only because I would do so much that my nostrils were completely blocked and I couldn't breathe for at least 24 hours. I've already been to the doctor with a sinus infection and was on antibiotics for 10 days all the while still doing coke. Smart hey? I thought so. Home life is beginning to suffer bad at this point. I constantly lie about my usage and try hiding the fact that my nose bleeds at least 3 times a week. I am blowing out not so nice things I may add and it scares me but not enough to stop snorting it. What is wrong with me?
Into the end of the 5th month and start of the 6th. I am doing an ounce every two weeks by myself at this point and really sick. House still looks great though so something has to be ok. I have cut my friends off husband cut me off and I find my own connection so this is ok. Is it? I think so. I have nothing on my mind but using. I can't do it at home anymore because he will know so I start doing it while working. I pull over in every parking lot in town and do it. At this point in my usage my tolerance is so high I would have to start the day off with 4 to 6 lines just to get high. I was doing so much and was so high I don't even think I realized it anymore. My nose was burnt. The ends of the nostrils were always chapped and would bleed. People I worked with wanted to know why I was always stuffed up. I had an excuse for it all believe me when I became an addict I could come up with anything to avoid the real issue.
Finally my breaking point happened. The only thing I can say is I'm glad it came soon. Some never have it happen but it finally did. It was a Sunday afternoon and I went out of the house to pick up a ball. I hung out with my friend for a couple of hours (she had 1 too) and we got high and continued to get high. I finally went home because the paranoia got so intense I couldn't stand it. I have already gone through a gram in 2 hours. I knew I couldn't do any in the house and prayed for the next day to come quickly so I could do some more. I wake up the next day and finish the ball before 3 p.m. I am freaking out now cause the come down is horrible not to mention that the realization that I just did an entire ball in 24 hours and was out was enough to knock me off the cliff.
I tried to sleep, impossible! I lay in bed playing on my laptop and bam the depression kicks in! I have a breakdown and burst out in tears. I have a long talk with my husband and confess to what I have done and have been doing. The next 5 days were the worst of my life. The depression and anxiety are so bad I can't explain. I couldn't sleep good and my appetite for more was so powerful I didn't think I would make it through.
I made it though and have made it for the last 30 days and am finally starting to feel like a normal human being with emotions again. I don't think about it all the time anymore. I have started to ween my friends back into my life. I feel good. I can breath again without nose bleeds without nasty chunks being blown out. The tips of my nostrils have healed.
I stop by my friend's house the other day and have lunch. Well lunch lead to a trip upstairs and lines being cut. The curiosity was there and I did it. I actually did quite a bit but the strange thing is I didn't find what I was looking for. It didn't make me happy. I didn't get that rush I was expecting. It was a let down for the first time and I was actually happy about it. I'm not sure why I even did it but that's not the point I did and I can't take it back. I am always searching for that rush and I didn't find it. I think this is a good thing. I'm not thinking about it. I don't even have a desire to do it. For this I am grateful! I kicked that monkey and am not looking back.
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