Citation: Mike. "Mind Altering Effects: An Experience with Anabolic Steroids (exp71240)". Erowid.org. Oct 30, 2016. erowid.org/exp/71240
Testosterone Propionate, Trenbolone Acetate
At the time of this cycle and experience I was 46. It was my second illicit steroid cycle and I had run a similar but much shorter cycle the previous spring. At the end of that previous cycle I had injured my back and lost a lot of my training ability and muscle I had gained. I was now trying again. For the first two months things went well for the most part. The weight gain started after about 4 weeks and my strength was also increasing nicely. I was having a lot of trouble sleeping though and had a ridiculous sex drive. I found myself looking at porn almost every night till late hours and it was really getting old. I also have numerous intensely hard erections. It was actually getting really annoying.
In the third month is when the real trouble began. From my notes April 15th: “I am not exactly sure what caused my recent psychological problems but I am truly sorry if I am the cause. I have just finished a course of anabolic's – primarily testosterone propionate. I has started using a natural aromatase inhibitor 1,4,6-androstatriene-3,17-dione in a transdermal solution in recent weeks and some Tamoxifen Citrate as recovery aid and tapered off. I had been noticing tenderness and slight hardening of my nipples and was using these drugs to reduce estrogen formed from the high dosages of testosterone. My last small injection of test was 4/11/08. A couple weeks or so prior to this I had an intense bout of anxiety – a panic attack I guess. It was on a Friday night after I went to bed and could not sleep for an hour or so and then it hit me. It was terrible. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. In the afternoon I had taken Vinpocetine, a supplement I had ordered quite a while ago but never tried.”
At the time I thought it was completely responsible but after the attacks kept coming I knew it was most likely the steroid use. That night in early April my mind raced wildly and I was afraid I was suffocating and about to die. Rationally I knew I was okay but this wild intense fear and anxiety gripped me and I would have done any thing to get rid of it. The intense feelings caused my heart to beat wildly while trying to lay in bed. I contemplated going to emergency it was so bad. I took a powerful antihistamine which induces drowsiness, took a shower and then laid on the couch and tried to watch TV. It was awful. Finally I became very drowsy and fell asleep.
Back on Sunday 4/13/08:
From what I recall and my notes it was a nice Sunday with pleasant weather but gloom is overtaking my mind. Woke up and anxiety started right away. No vitamins, drugs today except Colitis medications and maybe something to help anxiety. No coffee – made a cup of brewed tea. Had a Soy protein & Fruit juice shake. Later in the AM I took a serotonin precursor OTC supplement -5HTP which has been very helpful to my mood in the past. I spent part of the morning trying to review some documents for work. I recall contemplating making an appointment to see my doctor or mental health professional. I hope I am better Monday but I really want to be better now! I need to through all my gray supplements I collected over the last few years (over the counter Andro derivatives which are really just unknown and therefore legal anabolic steroids) and my test & tren in the trash. Never again, it is not worth it or at least it did not go well for me. (I did discard these later in the week, I contemplated trying to give them away but was afraid there was a possibility it could affect someone else the way it affected me.)
I wanted to be bigger and look good but now I realized peace of mind and body is not worth the trade. I could care less about my shallow whims that brought me to this bad place. I am growing concerned about the uneasy feeling building in my mind.
I am growing concerned about the uneasy feeling building in my mind.
I decide to go running thinking it well help me feel better and relax me. I run a 2.5 mile loop but still am feeling very unwell mentally. I decide to go another 2.5 miles. Still feeling worse. The evening was horrible. I can't remember feeling this mentally bad. My mind is flooded with intense anxiety of a wasted life, getting too old, all sorts of ridiculous but very unpleasant feelings in my ill mind I could not shut out. I was afraid of the dark because it reminded me of death. I slept with the lights on.
4/14/08. Monday – I have to go to work. Lots of important things to do. I am still feeling destroyed mentally. Very afraid to go in and interact with my coworkers but I keep it together and get through some meetings in my research job. I find myself being especially kind to everyone and looking at them in wonderment and appreciation. It was very strange. Kind of nice in a way but I was still feeling absolutely terrible. Tuesday was no better. I am really getting concerned now. Should I seek help from a physician? What about the legal ramifications of what I had done? Struggled through another horrible day. That night I took some benadryl to fall sleepy and I found it was somewhat effective in relieving the anxiety as well. I was able to relax enough to enjoy a movie. I woke Wednesday and found I had some slight improvement. I reflected on what I had experienced and tried to write down some of the feelings I had experienced the last few days. In many ways it was like I had been mentally crucified or something like that. Really hard to explain. I am not particularly religious but I found myself questioning every aspect of my life and comparing my mental feelings with being sent to hell. It was really bad.
Thursday seemed a little better but then Friday I started feeling worse again. I went to the store and bought some L-Tryptophan, Fish oil, Saint Johns wort and a herbal sleep aid sound sleep. Over the next week I stared popping handfuls of the L-Tryptophan caps along with some fish oil and St Johns wort.
The second week was not as bad but only very slight improvement. In the following weeks I have improved some but it seems like I still have mild depression and anxiety.
It is now Saturday May 17th, for the last week I did not supplement much with the L-Tryptophan. I did okay for the most part but Friday depression set in, I am still not back to normal. At least the anxiety has faded to a mild level but it is still there.
Today I researched Deprenyl. I am thinking of ordering and trying 5 milligrams per week to see if I get any improvement in my mental state. I also drank a beer today. The first in a long long time. The original panic attakh came a couple hours after having a beer and it was bad enough that I have been afraid to try another for all these weeks.
I have come a long way since those dark days in mid April but I am still not mentally well. I guess I need time to heal. After the initial depression and anxiety bought on cessation of the testosterone use I lost about 13 pounds in two weeks. Just over half the weight I gained on the steroid cycle. Over the last week I trained hard and ate a lot of protein, and managed to climb back up 2 lbs naturally. If only I had just done that the last few weeks I would probably be at my same muscle mass but with a much healthier mind.
These drugs deserve great respect. They have a huge potential to help or hurt. For me I think I am too old, not very mentally tolerant and they are not for me. I know other steroid users who read this may laugh but it happened to me.
[Reported Dose: '~100mg each ever 36 hours, Tren ran 6 weeks and Test 3 months']
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