Citation: Monica. "Ecstasy: The Aftermath: An Experience with MDMA (exp71415)". Erowid.org. Jul 6, 2017. erowid.org/exp/71415
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I am writing this in hopes that it can be useful to people out there, specially because there is really so little reliable information on MDMA. I have been using MDMA since the year 2000. From being a shy, withdrawn person I became much more open. Before I even did it I prepared myself, read several books on the subject (Nicholas Saunders, Bruce Eisner, etc). I had only smoked marijuana before that; I was 22 years old. My first experience was absolutely amazing, and it really did change my life; I had been going to a psychologist for years and I am not exaggerating when I say that my first time was more useful than all those years of therapy. It was such an impact that a full year passed before I did it again. At that time I became fully immersed in the rave scene. However my use at that point was still moderate, never doing more than one of two at the most.
It was in the year 2004 that I started using more, because some friends started selling. We used to get together at my place and use around 4 or 5 pills each but we had really intimate, strong experiences that have been the best in my life. However this dosage made me start having side effects like anxiety, insomnia and very vivid dreams. Then my friends stopped selling and once again I toned it down; but then my now ex-boyfriend and I met some guys that sold very cheap and we hung out with them regularly. So I spent from early 2005 till the mid 2007 doing MDMA at least twice a month, around 6 pills every time. To be honest, the experience was intense and very satisfying, but there was no way to deny that the side effects were becoming worse and worse
there was no way to deny that the side effects were becoming worse and worse
. It got to a point where I feared going to sleep because of the nightmares I had, but once that passed, I said to myself I had exaggerated and that it was not that bad. Finally, one day in June 2007 I took 7 and a half pills, which were disastrous to my emotional and physical health. First of all, my then boyfriend and I had been growing apart, mainly because he started to use cocaine again after a long period of abstinence and he was really drifting away from me--this made me extremely sad as I felt he was my soulmate, and wrongly that day I thought that doing MDMA together would bring us closer. Big mistake!
I ended up with nightmares and severe anxiety a week after doing all those pills. I thought I would not go back to normal. Meanwhile, the inevitable happened and my boyfriend and I broke up. It was a extremely hard on me emotionally, and during that time I did some MDMA with my best friend, but while we had a good time, I started to realize how much I emotionally depended on the MDMA state. For the first time in my life I started to question if I controlled MDMA like I thought I did.
Then, on January 2008 I was alone in my house on a Saturday night. I started drinking some beers and thought it would be a good idea to do some MDMA I had stashed away, however I had bought it from someone I did not know that well and was unsure of the quality. With a few beers I said what the heck. I ended up taking 2.5 pills. After 2 hours after the last pill, I started to have palpitations and felt my heart pounding all over my body. I thought it was just the rush, but then an hour passed, then two, and it was getting worse. I tried to breathe deeply to try and control it (it had worked in the past), but it didn’t this time. My hands started feeling tingly all over like when they “fall asleep” and my legs too. This was absolutely terrifying.
I became extremely anxious and was sure I was going to have a heart attack. I did not want to call my best friend as not to scare him, but around 10 AM I knew something had to be wrong; it was more than 4 hours after the last pill and it had never happened that my heart was pounding like that. I called my friend, he came to my house, took one look at me and asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital. I said no but in a little while I said yes. In almost 8 years of using MDMA I had never gone to the hospital, and I could not believe that 2.5 pills could have such an effect. Fortunately the doctor was kind and patient, and did not criticize me or scold me. To this day I don’t remember when I checked in as I was in an extremely anxious state and did not trust myself to speak. I was discharged after 4 hours and slowly felt myself returning to normalcy. All the tests the doctor ran came out fine and he told me I had a severe panic attack but that physically I was ok. The next day I was able to go to work, but I did not tell my other friends what had happened because I knew they were worried that I did MDMA (all my friends had done it but had slowly started to quit; at that point only me and my best friend did it). I knew that if I told them they would give me a talk, you know, those talks to tell someone they are going over the limit. But the fact of not telling them made me face the same thing: that my MDMA use was causing me trouble and that I was hiding things from those I loved. It was hard to accept but it was true.
Since that day I did MDMA again (from a trusted source) but I ended up anxious again. I am really not sure if this anxiety stems from the fact that deep down I know that I have used MDMA for too many years and feel that I must separate from it--I really feel I am very emotionally dependent on it
I really feel I am very emotionally dependent on it
. I feel I will not really be free if I don’t give myself the chance to be clean for a while. As of today, almost 3 months have passed since I last took MDMA (the longest I have ever been clean), and my plan is to quit for at least six months, possibly more. I am also considering maybe never doing it again.
I don’t know what will happen but the message I want to say is that while MDMA has given me some of the best times in my life, helped me overcome several issues, and some very strong spiritual experiences (specially with synergy with music), there is definitely a downside--the emotional attachment is hard to break and physically while I am not a doctor or anything, definitely my sleep patterns were destroyed (though I am much better now, the nightmares are gone) and my anxiety levels went way up and I think all that MDMA caused it.
At the end of the day it boils down to the same thing: Learn to be moderate in your use! If I could turn back time with what I know now, I would definitely never consume more that 3 at the most in a sitting…and then no more than once a month. To all of you out there, I hope you have read until here and find this useful. MODERATION, remember!
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