DOSE: T+ 0:00	1 capsl	oral	MDMA
T+ 3:00	1 capsl	oral	MDMA
T+ 6:30	1 capsl	oral	MDMA
T+ 12:00	100 mg	oral	Tryptophan - 5-HTP
T+ 18:00	100 mg	oral	Tryptophan - 5-HTP

BODY WEIGHT:

205 lb

Love and Conquering Anxiety With E

Last night was my 3rd time rolling. It had been 3 weeks and 1 day since my last roll, and five weeks since my first. This high was different from the two previous, and also the most intense, with distinct phases of physical pleasure, and later emotional/empathetic euphoria. I rolled this time with my wife, my younger brother, and two of our close friends.

Going into this experience, I had some anxiety and reservation. I was apprehensive about the possibility of dying or ending up in the hospital because of an adverse reaction to the drug. I had enjoyed ecstasy so much during my first two experiences, and came to believe that it was just too good to be true. In the last three weeks. spent a lot of time googling for the risks of MDMA use, and though it was difficult to find hard data, it seemed the science on the risk boiled down to two conclusions. One, some people have died solely from the use of ecstasy. Two, there may be long term neurotoxic consequences to dropping e.

I definitely had these issues on my mind when I took the first pill. An hour afterward, as the drug set in with what I term as 'the just chugged a bottle of whiskey' feeling. I experienced a mild amount of panic. But I had been there before, and was able to reassure myself that it was normal, and that I was simply releasing a lot of stress and worry. Fifteen minutes later, the tingles hit my feet and legs. The rushes of pleasure began going through my entire body. I have an insight into my pattern of obsession and anxiety. Later in the night, I'll realize that the body and universe is to be trusted, and my fears have just been my psyche crying out for love.

I walked arm in arm with wife, my brother, and two of the greatest friends I've known, all having dropped together, strolling down the street. We crossed a bridge over the river, and I was overtaken by the beauty of the sound of rushing water. I remember repeating aloud -- 'I love this drug!' and changing which words were accented.

We ended up in a dance club, and I started moving on the dance floor. On one occasion, I noticed a hard blinking of light when I changed my focus. This was slightly alarming, but I had read about something similar happening to many people, and the fear instantly vanished. My wife ended up pulling me off of the dance floor, telling me that my eyes were like saucers, I was obsessively feeling my shirt, and people were staring. I felt a little silly.

At T + 3 hours, I took another pill. After that, the group I was with felt like checking out some new clubs, and kindly left me out of the decision making process. An hour and a half into the second pill, I felt tired, and was ready for bed. I nearly started nodding off, thinking I was crashing and the fun was over. But no, the fun had really just begun. I got up from my chair, and went to start chatting with my wife to tell her how tired I was. And then, I woke up. The emotional connection to her was so compelling that I just had to smile for infinity and tell her how much I loved her -- probably thirty times before we changed the subject.

We left the last club about 2:30 am. Walked back to our house, still the group of us. Noticing that all of the street lamps had these amazing orbs of glow around them. Thinking to myself, probably out loud, that the light is always that way, and being amazed that I never in my 36 years of life had seen it like that.

3:30 am, I'm now 100 % certain that there is no significant risk to my body. My body and I get into an internal discussion of mutual gratitude. We get back to my house, I look in the mirror, thinking I look a little funny, I'm not one of the beautiful people, but I am a beautiful person. I'm in love with myself.

4 am, I'm now convinced that I will never crash, that the crashes I felt in the two previous rolls were just valleys that I could climb out of if I wanted to. The drug puts me in the pilots seat. I fly if and where I want to. I'm headed for a very soft landing.

At 4:30 am, T+6.5 hours, the group and I take one more pill. We've decided to stay at the house, listen to some music and dance, and then watch the sun rise. By 6 am, after I've been pretty much talking non stop (I'm totally an introvert in default reality), the hugs begin. I hug my brother, we settle some old issues.

All of us, as a group, talk about how much we love each other, Standing in a circle, moving back and forth with the music.

We go outside to watch the sunrise. The autumn leaves, still hanging on the trees, cover most of the sky in front of us. The leaves at moments are translucent, and a beautiful blue light shines through them. The sun is slowly rising, and I proclaim that it is God's demonstration of confidence in this beautiful world. And that it happens every day, forever and ever. The machine of the universe is perfect and loving. And we actually lose patience with waiting for the sun to peak over the ridge, figure the yellowing of the sky was close enough. We head back into the house. Two friends fall asleep on the couch. My brother heads home to his house. I take my pulse, just out of curiousity. 108 bpm, 30 beats higher than my normal pulse - just like everything I read said it would be. This isn't alarming though, this is fine. I'm totally happy, and confident my body is handling it all just fine. I come to terms with the anxiety addict within. I love him back into myself.

7:00 am, my wife puts her arms around me. Looks into my eyes and says 'I love you so much'. We repeat it to each other, noticing how the word 'love' feels as it vibrates in the chest, that it literally resonates in our hearts. Staring at her face for the next hour, making love, many visions, perhaps even her past life incarnations, are revealed to me. Her beauty is radiant, her face, eyes, and hair change to reveal an egyptian, a greek goddess, a dust bowl farmer, and a japanese anime character that will exist in my yet unwritten novel. I'm overcome with the experience. I want to end my identity and fuse with hers. I long to become absorbed by her light.

At 8:00 am, I realize that I have never been this high / euphoric before. And everything I had read about E said this shouldn't be possible. I shouldn't have been able to extend the rolls this way. I swore I peaked 4 times, with the 3rd just after sunrise, being the strongest. At this point, I'm content, I've had a fantastic evening. I cradle my wife in bed, and fall to sleep.

At 11 am I wake, take a 100 mg dose of 5HTP. I've been told this helps with the e-hangover. My wife and I shower, and the hot water and cold-air combination feels wonderful. We sit out on our front porch, joined by our friends from the couch. Smiles, hugs, and warm genuine love between us, taking in the glory of the day.

We force ourselves to eat some breakfast, though we're so not hungry. I feel lazy, but not as incompetent as after my last two rolls.

I nap from 2:00 pm - 5:00 pm. Wake up, take another 5HTP 100 mg. The babysitter drops the children back home. We eat dinner, and watch The Simpsons, then they're off to bed. I feel so fortunate and grateful to be their father.

My e-hangover is mostly positive actually. I'm carrying some of the glow of our experience still tonight, more than 24 hours after having dropped the first capsule. The only downside has been a slight headache across the forehead -- pretty normal for me when I haven't slept well.

All in all, I think MDMA has broken down the barriers in my mind which prevented me from being able to easily express my emotions and sense my bonds with others. The feelings are real, and E facilitates their expression and recognition. It's really an amazing drug, I wish I would have had it during the darker moments of my teens and twenties. WAY better than prozac or paxil. And as a marital aid, wow. I'm 36, married for 16 years. My wife and I have never been closer than we have since first dropping together.

Another interesting side-effect : I used to be a weekend binge drinker. I'm now no longer interested in drinking alcohol. The taste and intoxication are repulsive. I do still moderately long for wine with dinner, but I can't do more than a glass or two.

There's so much more to say about how my experiences with Ecstasy have changed the way I look at life. Bottom line, life is beautiful, and an infinite supply of hope exists for all of us.

Exp Year: 2008	ExpID: 74243
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 36
Published: Dec 10, 2020	Views: 649
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MDMA (3) : Relationships (44), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Glowing Experiences (4), Small Group (2-9) (17)