Citation: Herman Smythe. "The Big Picture: An Experience with LSD (exp7536)". Erowid.org. Jun 19, 2003. erowid.org/exp/7536
I was born in 1971 and by 1985 I wanted to try LSD. I hadnt even been drunk, high, or even nicotine-buzzed at that point. I had read stories about my idols, 60's musicians like The Beatles and Jim Morrison, taking acid. As a musician, artist, and general social outcast, it only seemed logical to take it. By 1989, my senior year, I had become quite a drunk and and in love with Marijuana. I finally one night took the acid and everyone doing it with me went home after we all peaked. The experience wasn't as potent as I had hoped, with only mild visuals. Through the next 9 years I continued to (mostly) trip alone as I had that first time. I always felt safer alone, where no one could set me on a bad trip. I only took 1 hit usually, and only once or twice a year. Those years were spent in the Military Police, Art School, and a bad marriage. I loved LSD but as I said, used it with extreme moderation. I loved the long wakeful nights tripping and pondering my existence or watching movies. I only hallucinated a few times, mostly I just felt so aware of the 'big picture'.
Towards the end of the 90's I had a new, happy relationship and custody of my child from the previous marriage. I got a temp position at a new steel mill in town where everyone was making HUGE money. The year I worked there I was so intent on getting hired full-time, that I smoked hardly any weed at all for fear of urinalysis. Instead I took acid. In one two-month period I took over FORTY hits! Now, for me acid is like vodka-you get more out of it as your experience and mental tolerance increases. I was like a walking disciple of Christ himself, seeing only the 'big picture' and beautiful reality of this world. I delved into books on everything from Astronomy to Religion. Since that period I have understood so much more about what this world really is and it's value as a material.
Why did I suddenly quit taking acid in Oct 98 to never touch it again? Well this is where the reality of drugs and what they do comes into play. I got so enamoured with the LSD experience that I was taking it on-stage. I was a George Harrison impersonator in a Beatles Tribute band, and it made it seem as though I was having an IN-body experience--as if I were air-guitaring to the Beatles, when it actually WAS me coming through the speakers! I felt I had dropped into George's body! This kind of stuff only fueled my love for the drug. I started practically living on LSD, taking it every 4th or 5th day. By the end of that year I was talking in jumbled hesitant words. I am a good speaker and I couldnt even get a sentence out without stuttering. My memory was out the door too, my night vision sucked (and I think weed causes that too), and I was getting very moody.
The final trip in Oct 98 was not fun AT ALL. Usually my custom was to consume enough liquor for 3 or 4 people (LITERALLY) whilst dosing. That particular night I drank over a half of a 1/5th of good imported Tequila and got the spins right as the acid peaked. The next 2 hours seemed like 2 WEEKS! I was with my wife and a bunch of lesbians I used to jam with in a band. I think the crowd made me even MORE nervous. I felt like I was in the eye of a twister with no way to anchor myself to any thought or concept for more than a split second. It was horrifying, and trying to explain my situation and keep cool about it was making it worse. I felt rude and embarrassed for losing it and that made me flip out all the more. I haven't taken it since.
When I stop using for a month or two I can tell a noticable difference. I feel more alert, but also depressed because after having seen the beauty of it, life seems dull. This is why I never tried heroin-I KNEW I'd be an addict in a day. It's been almost three years now and that feeling wont leave me. Maybe it's what people call being jaded, I dont know. I just know that nothing seems all that exciting to me anymore. I havent worked in two years, I stay home with my newborn son. My wife has an excellent job and we tell people that's why I stay home. It IS the reason, but I must also admit that I dont want to be involved in the world anymore, and I am scared shitless about going back to work. I still write and record music, but I dont care to ever accomplish anything again. Aside from the closest friends and family, I see no one. Sometimes I wish I had never been enlightened and still had all of my foolish desires that acid freed me from. When you experience levels of consciousness like that of drugs, especially the powerful ones like LSD, you really are never the same person again. I feel that I am a better person now, but that doesn't mean life in the material world is better for me. I just wish Christ (or whatever it is) would come rescue us all today, and I have frequent anxiety attacks concerning the possible (numerous) amount of years and lives that await me in this world of pain and suffering. I wonder, have my enlightening experiences showed me truths I was not designed to handle, or are the square people right--am I just mind-bent now?
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