DOSE:

repeated

smoked

Cannabis

BODY WEIGHT:

125 lb

Here I am, stoned again. This feeling I'm under is all too familiar. It held me tight for a year, until I broke loose and took a 9 month break from smoking weed, and pretty much everything other than drinking vodka and smoking cigarettes. But here I am, stoned again.

It always takes a while after I start smoking for these feelings to kick in. The first couple times smoking after a long break are fun, like being stoned should be- I get giggly, goofy, hungry, and euphoric. Simple enough, right?

But then it hits. I don't know what it is, and I don't know why it happens. But, as always, it hits. I smoke weed. I don't get 'high'- I just get restless. I don't feel euphoric, I just feel different than being sober. The panic doesn't usually start until I get these 'neutral stones' for a couple weeks. I tend to get self critical and out of touch with those around me.

But that's nothing. If it ended there I wouldn't be writing this report.

The problem comes later- when I start to come down it gets worse. I feel crazy. Like life isn't enough- not in the sense that there isn't enough to do in life. Rather, the feeling that MY life isn't enough. What I do. I don't even know what I do half the time and it's not enough. I don't even know what I want, and that's what kills me.

That's where I'm at now. I want to scream, cry, tear down my posters and smash everything in my room. I want to run outside and hug the world and embrace beauty, but I don't know where it's at. I want to die, but not as much as I want to live. But I don't know how to live. I don't know what I'm looking for. I have a vague sense of my dream in quick flashes- walking down a highway, mid afternoon, glowing. I don't know what it means, but it brings me a painful desire to merge with this scene. To live it. But I can never do that. I want to take as many drugs as I can, I want to flip out on acid or nod out on opiates. Anything that will take away my semi lucid nightmare and replace it with something that will render me useless, finally. I can't take any more of this confusion, this split.

I'll get tired soon. This restlessness, so intense, can't last forever. It never does. I'll wake up tomorrow even more dead than I was today. I'll forget all the passion, all the desire, all the lust for everything beautiful.

This isn't a good trip. This beauty isn't mine. It mocks me, holds itself up against my pitiful excuse for living and spits in my face. It makes me care, only to numb my passion when I'm fully back to normal. I don't know what do to. I'd prefer this, I'd prefer to CARE, than to never know.

Is it the weed? Well, I can say for sure that this doesn't happen on other drugs. This happened last year and it's happening again. And I guess I want it to happen.

It's sick, isn't it? I don't know.

Exp Year: 2008	ExpID: 75916
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Mar 1, 2022	Views: 474
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Cannabis (1) : Post Trip Problems (8), Retrospective / Summary (11), Alone (16)