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Worth the Risk??
Citation:   Scrotes. "Worth the Risk??: An Experience with Methamphetamine (exp76192)". Erowid.org. Nov 26, 2011. erowid.org/exp/76192

  repeated   Methamphetamine (powder / crystals)
First, I must stay that this is a long read, and at some points may seem like random ramblings, which it likely is. But I write it in a hope that someone, somewhere will see it, and see how bad Meth can truly be. I have read many stories over the years, and in several of them the Meth user states that the use can be controlled, and that it is not as addictive as they say it is. To anyone who has done this drug, and been able to not only control the use, but also to quit before it was allowed to effect every aspect of their lives, you are more lucky than you can ever imagine. Meth is a drug that will ruin most lives that it touches, and I feel lucky that I have been able to stay away for it for the length of time I currently have.

Now, on to the aimless ramblings, to start, I first started smoking Cigarettes when I was about 8 yrs old, started smoking weed and drinking at 11 years old. I had my first experience with stimulants when I was 12 and began smoking crack. My experience with crack was started due to me running it for a local dealer, and him paying me in free dope, I was too young and scared to try to rip him off and he knew it, but my work for him, and the additional customers I was able to bring also aloud me to have about as much crack as any 12yr old could want. My crack use ended after about 11 months of regular use, and frequent binges. I also tried heroine once when I was 13, after being injected I watched the friend who injected me OD and die. This was the experience that led me to stop smoking crack as well as it happened at my dealer’s house and it scared me too much for me to return. I continued my daily use of marijuana and would drink quite regularly as well. Between 13 and 15 I also had frequent experiences with LSD, cocaine, inhalants (duster, whippets), and shrooms. At 15 (early 2000) I moved from the Midwest to the southwest, prior to leaving my home town several of my friends insisted that I try speed when I get here, I had never previously tried it due to the high cost in my hometown and thought that I might give it a try if given the opportunity.

Before I get to that I must say that when I first began taking drugs I noticed that I had a tendency to go overboard, and get caught up in the drugs a bit more than my friends. With that I moved and tried to convince myself to start over, and try to go clean. I had always scored well above normal in my testing and had been skipped a grade as well. I fooled myself into thinking that I would be able to forget the past and try to have a fresh start. Well, as many people who have moved a lot will know, you are going to be attracted to the same kind of people regardless of where you live, for me this was the stoner crowd. Shortly after arriving in my new home I realized that the usage of Meth occurred with the same openness that weed had in my home town. It took me about two months before I tried Meth for the first time; this was shortly before my 16th birthday.

When I first tried Meth I was in love, it gave me a high better than crack had ever done, and it lasted hours longer. From the first time I tried it I was hooked and my “experiment” became a 5 day binge in which I was able to meet up with a cook. I immediately began selling for the cook once again had access to as many drugs as I wanted. Shortly after my first use I had lost 30 pounds, yet still managed to attend school and perform decently. I had only been using for 5 months when I had my first arrest which was a direct result of my drug abuse. After a short stint in juvie I was let out on probation. I celebrated my release by smoking a joint and then getting spun out. This led to me going on the run, and continuing to sell, and use Meth. I was caught did a little time and released on a more strict form of supervision. This did not stop my use, I continued to cycle through the juvenile justice system. At 17 I was arrested again for a dirty drug test, after doing two months I was released and ordered to continue my substance abuse classes which had been ordered months earlier.. Again, I celebrated my release by getting high. When I was release I had 4grams of Meth a quarter pound of weed and $300 at home. After being released at 8 am I went home and began to smoke my Meth with my brother, I ran out at about 4pm, while getting high I forgot that I had a substance abuse class until my probation officer arrived to pick me up. I knew that my counselor was not able to speak to my P.O. so I would always openly share that I was high, I also used this time to sell dope. That night when my probation officer dropped me off my driveway was full of cars, and they were going up and down the street.

When he asked what this was about I told him my brother was probably having friends over, and I would have them kicked out. Of course this didn’t happen and I simply went in and joined the party. A little while after I had gotten back home I had unloaded the rest of my bud ( I wouldn’t smoke it because I knew I couldn’t clean my system in time) and had a cool $500 cash in hand. Shortly after a dealer came over and I was able to score an ounce of some nice peanut butter dope which I proceeded to smoke with my brother and some friends throughout the night while unloading a majority of it a quarter gram at a time. The time passed quickly and it was soon time for my substance abuse class. Before my P.O. showed up I bagged up a few quarters for the buddies in substance abuse class. Two of the three that were going to buy showed up and this left me with a bag I did not want to have to hold during group. When My P.O. picked me up after group he asked again what was up with all the cars the night before. I told him that it was my brother’s friends, and that I had kicked them out. After that he decided to tell me that now was a good time for me to take a drug test so I could “get it out of the way” for the week. FUCK!!! I told him I was dirty, and he proceeded to take me down to the probation office. He then had me wait at the main door while he went around back to unlock the office; I used this time to snort the baggie that I had in my pocket. At this point who needs an extra charge thrown at them? All told I had been out of Juvie for exactly 36 hours when the cuffs were slapped back on me. This time I also had to explain why I had $800+ in my wallet, when it was empty as I was released the day earlier. I simply told him that I had been planning to get caught up on my probation fees with it, and would pay them when I was released.

Due to repeated dirty UA’s the judge stated that I had gone beyond the point of being helped and recommended that I be sent to the Juvenile Department of Corrections until I turned 18 (this was still 8 months away for me). I was able to play the victim role and told her that I wanted to quit and I need help and wanted to go to rehab instead. She granted this request and also ordered that I move away from my mother’s home because they felt my brother was a bad influence (if they only knew). After a stay in a 30 day rehab facility I was released. My time in rehab consisted mainly of snorting other clients pills, a lot of the time I did not even know what it was I was using, and using Meth when my roommate would have his sister sneak it in for him.

I was able to BS my way through rehab, but I now had to face the fact that I would be under intense scrutiny from the court. The combination of an ankle bracelet and attending a high school adjacent to the juvenile probation office, and detention center left me with no freedom. Luckily for me I was able to hook up with a girl that I had known from our previous high school. Her mother was a pill popper and she would bring me a Ziploc bag with about 25 pills in it every day. It was at this time that I learned about this site, so I could see what the pills were. It turned out there were Vicoden, Percocet, and valuum in the bag. I was also well aware that the drug test I was being given were simple dip tests, one for Meth and one for marijuana. This allowed me the freedom to take the pills as I pleased. During this time with my constant supply of pills I switched from being a speed freak, to being zoned out on opiates all day. I used this method to skate through the remainder of my probation.

About a month before I turned 18, and was to be released I decided now was a good time to get back into my business, and get high at will. As far as they knew I was doing great, so my drug tests had been reduced to bi-weekly, and on an easily predictable schedule. I had also shed the ankle bracelet, and the visits from my P.O had become non-existent. On one walk from my aunt’s house to my house I was spotted by a sheriff’s deputy who had been advised to stop me if he saw me in public by myself a few months earlier. Unfortunately this also meant that he was aware I was on probation, so I could not refuse a search. I had a joint in my front pocket, an ounce of weed (bagged up) and an eight-ball Meth in the cargo pocket of my shorts. Luckily the sheriff decided to stop searching after finding the joint and decided to arrest me straight away. Due to me being a minor, and being so close to my mother’s home he decided to stop by the house instead of calling her. As he went to the door I used this time to move the drugs from my pocket to my underwear, luckily I had been arrested enough to know how to maneuver while in cuffs. When I was booked into Juvie I was surprised that I was not going to get the standard strip search, and was simply given a bag to put my clothes in, and the standard outfit to wear. This luck most likely saved me from being transferred to the adult system for possession for sale 4 days before my 18th birthday.

I did my time and got released at 12:00 AM on my 18th birthday. At court I told my mom I had someone to pick me up so she didn’t need to do it, this wasn’t true, but I knew enough people close by that I would just walk to their house when I got out. Unfortunately no one was home, and I was about 20 miles from home, and did not have a phone. I decided to stop by a liquor store to get some smokes, papers, and a torch lighter and of course a glass dick (Meth pipe). I went to a nearby gas station and smoked a few bowls of Meth and rolled some joints for the walk. I spent the next few hours wandering the streets and before I knew it the sun was up.

Some how I was able to make it 9 months from being released before I ended up being arrested again. In this nine month span I had moved into a house with both of my older brothers. They worked so things wouldn’t look off, while I stayed back and sold Meth and bud while also growing. I was also the one who was out of the house most of the time; if they weren’t at work I would let them watch the home front while I went out around town and sold from party to party. Due to our arrangement there was always an agreement that if we were ever raided, and the cops found the stash whoever was home took blame for everything. Unfortunately this was me. Prior to the one that got me put back into jail the house had been raided 5 times in 9 months, and not a thing was found. I found out later that I was saved these times due to living just outside the city limits, and the sheriffs did not have dogs to use, also I was tipped off with enough time to hide my stash, and plants (it was only a few for personal use) well enough that they were not found. The raid that landed me back in jail was not set-up by the sheriff, but instead by the state Meth-task force. Due to this I did not get the notice that I had the privilege of before and was caught completely off guard. They found my plants, random bags of bud, baggies, scales, pipes and bongs. Luckily for me there were still no dogs, and I always placed my Meth in a safe spot they I knew they wouldn’t find, also a deal for 3kilos of bud had fallen through the night before, and wasn’t going to go down until the next night. I had my Meth pipe and about 1 ½ ounces of Meth that were not found during this raid.

After getting out of jail, only 10 days due to my low supply at the time, I went home and locked myself in my room where I proceeded to smoke for god knows how many hours (not really sure how long, It was light outside when I started, had one smoke and it was dark out, and it was about noon when I went back outside.) I went on a week long binge after getting out. Knowing that I would still have to go to court to face the charges with the cultivation being a class 3 felony, attempted manslaughter is a class 2 felony in my state so the charges were still serious. I took the time between court hearings to get as high as I could and only slept about once every 4 or 5 days the entire two and an half months before I was finally sentenced., while trying to find a legit job at the same time. Somehow I was able to land a job, even though I was completely honest with them. Do to being spun out of my gourd I shared everything during the interview. I advised my future boss that I had just been released from jail, and there was a chance that I could be going back for an extended period of time. They stated they understood this, and asked if I would be able to submit a drug test. I advised them that at that time I would be dirty. I was then asked if I would be able to pass a random test to be given any time from two weeks to a month later (next class for the job did not start for a month). I advised them that I could try, and that was all.

When the call came I was again tweaking, stoned and drunk. I informed them that I would go in the next day for the test. I tried to flush my system by taking some detox pills and drinking insane amounts of water. About three hours before I was to actually take the test I decided it was a lost cause and started getting high again, and was high as I pissed in the cup. I had always been surprised that it never came back dirty, that is until I recently spoke to my old boss who told me that she knew there was something about me and decided to push me through anyway. She stated that I was dirty, and she knew I was high when I took the test, but still wanted to give me a chance. After starting the job I continued my rampant Meth use in between my court hearings. At one point I informed the judge that I would rather go to prison, up to 8 years if all charges held up, than serve one day on intensive probation. In court I openly told him that if he did put me on intensive probation I would leave the courthouse and go on the run. I also advised him that I was not going to fight the charges because I knew the law, and I knew that what I was doing was illegal so it was up to him. Apparently this was not a frequent occurrence in his courtroom because the judge was visibly shocked by my statements. He then proceeded to ask me what my drug history looked like. After telling him I was advised to go to probation to get screened for drug court, and see if I would be suitable for it. He also advised me that due to my honesty he trusted that I would not run and decided not to arrest me that day.

After looking into drug court I decided that it was probably be the best thing for me, and ended up being sentenced to 3 years of standard probation, with any remaining time being dropped if I successfully completed the drug court program which at that time was a twelve month program. My sentencing was on a Thursday, and drug court was held on Friday’s. I went back to work after being sentenced (about 3 blocks from courthouse) and got in my car to smoke the last quarter gram of Meth I had. I have been clean from Meth since that day, May 29th 2003, and now view the raid as the best thing that has ever happened to not only me, but my family as a whole.

Even though I was the youngest in my family (two older brothers, and an older sister who was not involved in the game) I had always been the catalyst when it came to drugs. Because I was the dealer they were basically there to get high for free, and make a little extra money where they could. After my arrest both of their use began to diminish until they were both clean.

In my long use of drugs Meth proved to be by far the most damaging. I had never been under the grip of any one substance like I was when I was on Meth. Before Meth, even though I would use in large quantities I always felt some sense of control over what I was doing, and why I was using the drug. This control completely disappeared with my first hit from the Meth pipe. I currently have nearly 6 years clean; I also have young children for whom I am grateful for. I am also grateful that they never had to, and will never have to see their father as a hopeless drug dealing drug addict.

I will also say, to those that are feeling like they may have a problem, whether it is with Meth, or any other drug. There are many ways to quit, and many things that can be a catalyst for the change needed to quit. For me the catalyst was being arrested at a point in my life where I would pray for help, yet ignore it when it was being offered. My arrest forced me to clean up for long enough to realize how I had hurt my mother, and to see the opportunities that my drugs had cost me.

Exp Year: 2003ExpID: 76192
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Nov 26, 2011Views: 59,663
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Methamphetamine (37) : Various (28), Addiction & Habituation (10), Retrospective / Summary (11)

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