Mushrooms - Panaeolus cyanescens & Mushrooms - P. cubensis
Citation: tjkehl. "Into the Depths of Mental Hell: An Experience with Mushrooms - Panaeolus cyanescens & Mushrooms - P. cubensis (exp76250)". Erowid.org. May 14, 2018. erowid.org/exp/76250
The dose described in this report is very high, potentially beyond Erowid's 'heavy' range, and could pose serious health risks or result in unwanted, extreme effects. Sometimes extremely high doses reported are errors rather than actual doses used.]
To give you an idea of my background. I have been using psilocybin mushrooms for 5 years now. Just until recently have I been taking very large dosages. For the past 6 months I have been taking the mushrooms every 2 weeks. Upon every experience I would ask myself questions about space, time, gods (entities), reality. Well this last trip, gave me all the answers I needed. The answer drove me completely insane.
It all started when I went to my buddy J's house. We took 2 ounces of purple ringers (cubensis) and 2 ounces p. cyanesence (blue meanies), chopped them up on a tray, and began to boil them. After about 20 minutes the brew was cooled enough to drink. I chugged my cup of thick purple syrup, and began the wait.
It wasn't a usual comeup, It felt so intense in my body, it was hard to talk or think, everything was swaying and changing colors. At this point the comeup normally slows down and I feel normal and just trip...not this time.
(T + 1:30)
I felt as my brain has been defragmented. Nothing looked real, everything looked alien. I thought my body has been transported into another dimension, I could see through the spaces of time and reality. And I thought this was the peak... J and I didn't speak much, just glanced at eachother, because we knew we were both going through the same thing. We just asked questions in confusion, because at that point we didn't know the difference between anything. I had a pack of cigarettes in my hand, I stared in complete confusion wondering what the 'device' was.
(T + 2:30)
This is the point where things got way too real. I was convinced I was the only soul in this dimension. That earth is nothing but a desert with no life except my own. I could see my insane self inside of my head, screaming for companionship in this lonely desert. I realized that everything around me that I see normally is nothing but a creation of my own mind. That my body is a virus constricting my soul, built by the 'aliens' to create something for them...but who knows what? I thought all my friends and family are my own mental creation, just to convince myself I'm not insane. All of history was written by me, sending myself messages from my past lives, just so in this moment, I will realize the truth. I felt as if I discovered the meaning of life, I could completely see it. There is no feeling like the feeling of discovering every belief you've ever had is nothing but a delusion. I could see the building block of reality, the threads that hold space and time together. The televison was in slow motion, and screaming at me, telling me everything I've ever believed is a lie. That my body is nothing but the entrapment of a soul, and without my body, my soul will shoot through space at the speed of light, allowing me to be in control of all dimensions.
This part of the trip lasted about 6-7 hours. It felt like longer, because everything felt like I was stuck in a 'loop'. The loop of eternal mental damnation. I couldn't escape.
My friend, J, sat there staring at me with a smile on his face. I didnt' even have to talk, I felt as if we had a telepathic link. Later when I asked him, he said he felt the same way. No words were needed.
This trip was 2 months ago. Even when I think about it now, chills consume my body because I can remember the feeling of discovering 'the meaning of life'. The realization that everything around me is produced by me, the reality producing machine. And how I am alone in this world, insane with delusion.
I have done mushrooms a few times since, but everytime I take them I go back to the same place. The re-occuring bad trip that is too intense for me to handle, even in smaller doses. My psilocybin experience is over, and I think it may have rendered me mentally insane.
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