Citation: LegoTrip. "People Died on New Year's Day: An Experience with LSD & Nitrous Oxide (exp76597)". Erowid.org. Jan 1, 2016. erowid.org/exp/76597
I was ready to go. I had some cash (borrowed I might add) and I was wearing my favourite clothes. My hair was done, and a few beers had already passed through me. 2009 New Year's baby, yeah. And I was ready to go.
People started to arrive at my place, most of them I had never met in my life. All sorts of alcohol was getting consumed, and I was in on it. I wanted to get off my face. And when people started to disappear into rooms to snort ketamine, I was quick to follow behind to get my line. And of course, when the girl next to me offered a dab of MDMA, I appreciated the offer and accepted accordingly.
At some point we were all walking. We were all walking forever, we were lost, but I was happy. The countdown had happened and, as much as it was somewhat of an anti-climax, we knew the party hadn't even begun.
Eventually by putting our numbed-out heads together, we found the Alchemy Records psytrance party, and within 2 minutes of walking in, my friend spots an acid dealer he knew. Drop on my hand, licked it up, ok, so that's that, it's going to be an acid party.
We explore. Some friends go one way, some go another. I drink a beer and then I drink another beer. It reaches an hour, but still nothing. I hate waiting for the come-on with any drug, but I knew it was best to wait before I take any more. More time passes, I dance.
I hate waiting for the come-on with any drug, but I knew it was best to wait before I take any more. More time passes, I dance.
And then it hits me, and it hits me well. All I can keep saying is 'Guys! This acid is really f**king good!' I am smiling at little things from the corner of my eyes. I want to do something, anything, so my friend suggests getting some nitrous balloons, and I agree.
A bunch of us go, and I'm tripping balls. We each get our balloon and my friend starts to hit his right away. Fine. I would much prefer to sit down somewhere, but fine.
I know how to make balloons work very well, so I did. Inhale a bit, blow the balloon back up, inhale a bit, blow the balloon back up. Hyperventilation, while should never be encouraged, is a hefty kick in these circumstances. Next thing I know, it happened.
I died, basically. And the first thing I was aware of was that I had died before, many times. I no longer knew who I was, but there was a force so much bigger than me all around me. A definite conscious being, it addressed me without any words, it was a part of me and it loved me. It really loved me, unconditionally. So much love to the degree that I had never felt before. And then I knew the answer to the whole universe, and it was a joke. I can't even begin to remember or even imagine what it was, but it was THE epic cosmic joke. My reaction was 'God has a sense of humour!' Life was just meant to be blissful and not taken seriously all this time, and love was the basis of it all.
But then there was even more to the joke, an added punch line after punch line. And every time I thought it couldn't get any funnier, it did, and every time 'he' told me the next part to the joke, all I could think was: 'I have heard this one! I remember this one! I remember everything now!' And the presence loved me, and it seemed to tell me that it knew I had heard this one. And I laughed, harder and harder and harder.
The first thing that made me think something was up, was that I was laughing so hard that I was banging on the floor. The floor? That doesn't make sense, I'm dead. My friend lifted me off the ground and thatís when I got another realization. My life was playing backwards. It was starting from the point I died and was now going to play itself back to me in rewind. And I was kind of bummed, I just wanted to die with that presence for all eternity and now I had to watch my life all over again? In reverse??
Of course, that wasn't the case. I soon realized that there were people all around me, strangers, staring at me. My friends were trying to get me up and far away from the public eye. Wow. From reaching Nirvana to suddenly being so painfully embarrassed. Nice.
Wow. From reaching Nirvana to suddenly being so painfully embarrassed. Nice.
Regardless, it didn't change the fact that I had just met God. I told people I loved them, and we all loved each other just on a fundamental basic level. No matter what, we were based on love. And we were all one and the same and part of something beautiful. It lasted for hours, right up until I had a line of speed, and then I felt kind of dirty again.
Nobody knows what time we left the party, but it was broad daylight, on New Years day, 2009. And I was still feeling great. We went to some shop in Camden and then started our final leg of our mission home. That was when I got the text.
'David died this morning.'
David was one of my best friends, back in my country of South Africa. I had spoken to him via the internet almost every working day for 3 years. I saw him practically every weekend. He was a one of a kind guy that I wouldn't even try explain to you here, because I couldn't. David. Had died.
We phoned my friend and he told us what happened. Cocaine overdose. That idiot. I had done my research, and have done a lot more since then, and it is my understanding that a cocaine overdose is extremely rare. Almost unheard of. I know people who do full grams in one line, and David wasn't one of them. I have no idea how much he took, but it must have been a lot.
'Well, this sucks' I thought to myself and kept walking. Each step felt like I was falling deeper into numbness, a surreal world of complete dissociation. One step. Two steps. By the fifth step, I fell. And I cried. I cried so hard it felt like my guts were going to come up. I felt tears come out of my stomach, tears that probably should have been cried 10 years ago came out. And as pathetic and as agonizing it was, it felt good in its own way.
Now let me remind you, I am on the side of the road of Camden Town. It is New Year's Day, and it is around lunch time. We were not alone, but I didn't even know those people existed. To me there was only the pavement and my dead friend. I was bawling like a child, I didn't cover my face; I looked people in their eyes. I wish I could show you how hard I was crying, but remember that I was still on LSD at that point, and not to disrespect the absolute sincerity of my grieving, I am sure it played a part.
We walked a bit more, and then I'd stumble. Cry and cry. Eventually get up, and try again.
I reached home and went on the net and there were my friends, all talking about it on facebook. We were all destroyed; the coolest guy we had possibly ever met was gone. I cried for 5 hours, until I think my tears ran out. And I haven't cried since.
I could go on, but I would rather stop now and summarize by saying this: When I thought I had died back at the party, it was the best feeling in the world. And when it abruptly came to my attention that I was still alive, I was so disappointed. And even though the memory is very hazy now, I can remember hoping that death was just like that. Because if it is, we are all in for the funniest joke of our lives.
And it is my only wish that David felt that way when he passed. I can imagine cocaine overdose to be somewhat unpleasant, but maybe when he crossed over, he met God. And he got the eternal joke. And he stayed there in perpetual bliss.
Just as an after-thought: my friend suggested that it was possible that I 'died' at the same time that David died. From what I have heard, this is extremely likely. And maybe for that moment, our souls touched, or greeted, or whatever. And maybe he was aware of it, and he was saying goodbye. I would never be so quick to believe in that conclusion, but something like that would have been the most beautiful moment in my life, and David, I love you. Thank you for everything you crazy, crazy man.
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