Citation: Curunir. "A View From God's Eye: An Experience with MDMA (exp77255)". Erowid.org. Nov 20, 2017. erowid.org/exp/77255
||(powder / crystals)
| T+ 2:00
||(powder / crystals)
Tripreport – MDMA. 28-02-‘09
Initial dose: 80 mg, ingested orally (powdered in a paper ‘bomb’) at about 2 AM
Follow up dose: ~ 100 mg, partly licked of my hand and partly ingested orally at about 4 AM
Last night, while I was at a party in the famous hippie enclave, a charming little village on the outskirts of Amsterdam. The people who live and work there are mainly artists, writers, old hippies and otherwise alternative folks. They host and organize many artistic and cultural activities there. Among which is a monthly goa/psytrance party, which is held in the old church near the center of the village. A party in a church means a wonderful atmosphere of course, heightened by the many projections on the walls and other light effects. The church is rather small though, so apart from a bar and dance floor there isn’t much to see there.
I was quite tired when arriving at the party, due to having a short and troubled sleep the night before. I had been to a conference in Amsterdam during the day, and eaten with a friend afterwards, and I had been doubting whether it would be wise to go to the party.. seeing that the first bus would leave no sooner than 8.30 AM.. making for a long night. So as I went with my friends (eight in total, including me) I had a can of energy drink and some cola for that necessary caffeine rush. Upon arriving at the party, we had a look about and proceeded to dance for some time. When we went for a drink, a friend of mine (we’ll call him D.) told me he had brought some MDMA for me. He’s prepared a lower-than-normal dose, since he knew I’m one for careful experimenting when it comes to psychoactive substances. So, after some talking, me and two other friends decided to try MDMA (a first time for two of us, including me). We each had about the same dose, to theirs had been a normal dose split and put into water. Let’s say about 80 mg. I believe this must have been at about 2 AM. The substance ingested was believed to be pure MDMA, mixed with some baking powder (with 80% MDMA).
After a while I went back inside and started to dancing to the music. It took about 45 mins before I felt a slight tingling of the legs, which I supposed was the first effects of the substance. The onset was slow and steady (I have been told commercial E comes on much faster due to the impurities and other substances which are often in the pills) and almost without noticing I began to feel better. My tiredness started to fade and I began to feel very happy. It wasn’t so much euphoria I experienced, as a feeling of being carefree. I enjoyed talking to my friends and having a good time, and really entered into a state of enjoying to dance to the music, losing interest in what other people might think of me. The (for me) usual bit of anxiety associated with parties with many people and dancing fell away.
My limbs felt very loose and almost weightless, and I was able to follow the rhythm of the music almost effortlessly. I enjoyed moving around a lot (though as I’ve said, the effect wasn’t that strong) and generally talking to people. The sensations I felt were mainly in my head: a ‘buzz’ on my frontal brow, my thinking was slowed down a bit (akin to smoking marijuana in a way) and I felt more open to connect with other people. I started a few random conversations with other people and generally cared more than usual for how they felt. I touched and hugged my friends often which felt very enjoyable (oxycitin kicking in :p).
My two friends who had also taken the MDMA felt something similar, though one of them reported the effects faded very quick and he proceeded to drink more beers.
As for the physical effects: I was able to dance for a long time, felt more warm then usual (had a bit of sweat too). I drank a lot of water, as I had been forewarned of the dangers of dehydration when dancing with MDMA. Peeing was tedious and somewhat difficult.
After about two hours at a stable plateau of effects, I began to start coming down. Since I really enjoyed the sensations so far, and the friend who had brought the MDMA suggested I should take enough to have a really good first time (It’ll never be like the first time, he told me) I asked him for a second dose. This must have been about 120 mg, but we intended to split the dosage and then some of it fell on the ground. So, I licked some of the powder left from my hand (yuck.. bitter) and then thought ‘what the heck’ and just swallowed what was left of the powder with the paper it was in [estimate around 100 mg]. When I began dancing again I began to feel a definite sense of euphoria together with a strong head rush. After a while something shifted in my thought: I felt very clear-headed and understanding. The world suddenly seemed to make complete sense. I went to my friends sitting by the fire to tell them this.. some of them were talking but since they’d smoked a lot of weed we were in a completely different vibe. I saw them having fun and I hear their jokes but the lame type of stoner humor just wasn’t very funny then.
Then I started talking to my other friends (one of them had taken a dose of MDMA too), and then suddenly IT HIT ME. It was a very profound feeling, like a window in the middle of my head had just opened. And God came in. At least, the place of total euphoria in the brain we could call God. I would call it a peak experience or a religious experience.
I really felt, for the first time in my life, completely at ease with the universe and everything in it, including myself. I was able to see myself and all my emotions with absolute clarity. I was able to think quite clear and logical, but not in a detached way. I was very much in tune with my emotions, without being overtaken by them. If God was able to open my head and look in, this is the way he must’ve experience things.
I felt a great sense of gratitude for experiencing this complete euphoria. Why me so small in this great and awe-inspiring universe to experience this total joy.
Many emotions I had been unaware of before, or I had been suppressing came to the surface. But I wasn’t frightened by them.. I looked at them with understanding and a great feeling of mildness. Complete compassion with myself and all other people, I would say. I felt at home in the universe, everything being safe and feeling completely cared for, like an infant in the cradle. I’ve never felt that way before, and especially during the last few months I was very much out of touch with myself and generally quite miserable.
I talked a lot with the two friends sitting there with me, hugging them and asking them to touch me sometimes. I understood them: the way they felt, the way they acted. Like the many observations and experiences I had with them suddenly came together, connected and gave me a true insight into ‘who they were’. They confirmed many of these thoughts I had about them and myself to be very true and in way, profound. One of them was listening with an expression of awe as I poured out this wisdom. We taped some of the things I said and I can’t wait to listen to them (I was halfway to the experience once we started, unfortunately). I realized why MDMA can be so helpful in psychotherapy: it enabled to me to see myself in a completely honest way, disentangled the many repressed feelings I had been keeping in my stomach, and gave me a clarity of thought to understand and accept it all.
All this time waves of euphoria rushed through my head, which was like an intense but very slow orgasm, lasting endlessly.
I felt very sorry for the negative things I had done and said to other people, the pain I had caused them. But I understood it was all a result of ignorance and fear. Fear of myself and fear of other people. I had never realized before how many of my actions had fear as a underlying emotion. A constantly felled need to protect myself, to not show myself the way I really was, to prevent other people from hurting me.
I asked a friend who was outside to come in, and told her how very sorry I was about the pain I had caused her in the past. I said I never wanted that again, because I loved her (as a friend) and realized how much I cared for her and how I wanted for things to be different between us.
Then, quite suddenly, the complete and godly plateau to which I had been lifted, faded. I felt very cold and alone realizing this feeling of complete oneness with the universe, of complete absence of fear is something I’ll only experience again when I die and my soul is returned to this state. It was profound, it was earth-shattering.. it was probably the most beautiful thing I’ve experienced in my life. I felt so very thankful. It must have lasted for an hour or two (judging by the daylight and what my friends reported), but it felt timeless and too short.
I danced a bit afterwards, but the euphoria began fading and I grew very tired. The feeling of oneness though, of a grown emotional acceptance and insight hasn’t faded so far.
When I was at home again I slept and afterwards had a long talk with my mother, saying sorry for the times I had hurt her and expressing how much I love her. We both cried and hugged and held one another for a long time. When my father came in we did the same. I felt so very clean afterwards, reborn almost. Like a great burden I was carrying around has been lifted.
I intend to call some of my friends to talk to them about the experience, how beautiful it was and the insights I came to about our relationships.
The challenge I now face is to integrate everything I’ve learned and realized into my life. To conquer the fear I realized was there, and to learn to live in a way which is more in tune with my real me, or the kind of ‘god-self’ I felt when using MDMA. I don’t think it will be easy, but I very much feel this experience could be truly life-changing.
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