Citation: endlessskies58. "Depression and Enlightenment?: An Experience with MDMA (exp77906)". Erowid.org. Dec 11, 2017. erowid.org/exp/77906
||(pill / tablet)
This story is about enlightenment and finding a way out of depression. Or I suppose, finding a solution to help problems of depression.
Surprised that a simple drug could do this? Me too.
This is technically not my ‘first time’ trying MDMA. I have tried it three times before and not gotten the effects you should with MDMA… In fact, I could barely feel the other three tries.
The first try was when I was 18 and that was only half a pill and the other two were at raves when I was 19 and 20. At the raves, I felt no euphoria or change in my hearing or eyesight and just felt more as if I were in a weird dream.
I had almost come to believe that ecstasy just didn’t work on me.
Now, for some background on me, I am very prone to depression and I think it runs in my family. I fall in and out of it and have really noticed it since I was in 8th grade, though I think I was a depressed child as well. That was my worst depression episode I think and yet I still have yet to see a therapist.
I have been fighting it by myself for as long as I can remember…
Because of my proneness to depression, when my ex dumped me a year ago after 3 years of being together… I fell hard and couldn’t get out. I’ve been so depressed ever since and I couldn’t get him out of my head no matter how hard I’d try. I’ve felt so pathetic this whole year because of it. How was it that other people could get over things so easily and I couldn’t?
I think because when I was with him, it had been the first time in forever that I had been happy.
And too, even though we had broken up, we talked this whole year. We never stopped talking for more than two weeks and sometimes I had hopes that he’d come back because of how he would act sometimes. He was my first love and I really loved him. I have only kissed one guy once after him breaking up with me, I felt so loyal to him.
But just a month before this last rave, he got a new girlfriend and our contact was cut by both of us… I wanted to get over him as much as he wanted me to too.
At one point I was doing a lot better even though it had only been a month. But then I went to this past rave and I ended up finding out that he was there with his new girlfriend. I was TERRIFIED of seeing them.
I even try to avoid the other side of my hometown, just to avoid seeing his car with even a shadow of her in my seat… And here I was, with people I had just gotten to know a month before and with men trying to take advantage of me as soon as they saw I was down. I was anxious the whole night despite the ‘ecstasy’. I thought raves were supposed to be fun… I was trying so hard to enjoy life…
I was so let down. I took a happy pill that didn’t make me happy…
And after the rave, a few other things happened that pertained to my ex and it left me feeling horrible that whole week. I cried probably every day.
I hated myself for being so weak. I felt so pathetic and guilty. I always feel guilty… What was my problem???
So finally a couple nights ago, I randomly decided to take the other pill that I had taken at the rave. Mind you this was the same pill I took at the rave. It was stupid because I was alone in my room and just angry that ecstasy didn’t work on me. I was so angry that I was doomed to always feel bad.
I was completely surprised by what happened.
After about 20 minutes I began to feel very anxious. Even worse than usual, being that I worry a lot. At one point, I almost felt suicidal as well as nauseous and very uncomfortable.
But then, after about an hour, I began to really feel it. There was a warm feeling and I realized that I couldn’t even function. I couldn’t listen to music, watch a movie, read, draw, paint… all I could do was lay in bed and curl up in a ball.
I couldn’t dance at both raves I had gone to, perhaps this was why?
I began to notice that my thinking and feelings reminded me so much of shrooms. I almost felt as though I had taken a mix of ecstasy and mushrooms.
I got heavy eye-wiggles and colors were very pretty, though I was unable to move from under my covers. I was so weak. I was so cold under my covers and it took all I had to wrap the blankets closer to me.
I got tingles all throughout my body, and for once I really got to roll. I finally experienced euphoria. Though I knew how fake it was, it felt awesome to feel the serotonin rushing through my brain in waves and making it seem like every worry I’ve ever had is actually going my way. Haha, I remember even saying out loud how pathetic that was, because I knew the facts about my world. I understand my family and friends and even in that state I knew that what I was thinking was stupid.
It was a very awesome experience though, something I’m glad I understand now.
Then came a very pleasant and long come down after a hard roll… I couldn’t move from my bed the whole time. I never listened to music until about 5 in the morning (I had taken the pill at midnight). That was when I finally just managed enough energy to pull out my laptop to watch lightshows on Youtube.
The come down though is why I’m here… My thinking confuses me.
I thought about my world much like I did when I was on shrooms. But the strange thing was that since I felt good, I was able to look at life very logically and without pain.
I thought of some pretty nasty things and felt like they were the truth.
I felt like I could look through other people’s eyes and know how they were feeling or seeing me.
An example was that I saw my ex in my mind, I never realized how much he HATED me. I could hear things in his head like ‘I could care less if you fell off the face of this planet!’ ‘Go ahead and die! See if I care!’ ‘Oh dear god! I’m with someone new! How fucking tragic!’ ‘Yes, I have replaced you and she is so much better than you in every way.’
But then when I would try and see why he never told me to leave him alone or why he’d still hang out with me and want to be my friend, its like I drew a blank. I couldn’t figure it out. I was so confused by this…
Then there was other things I looked at. Another example is that I thought me and my ex’s bestfriend were friends. Not good friends, but pleasant with each other, ya know? I could go to him for advice on this sort of stuff (drugs) and I also felt like him and me thought similar. I always had thought of him as a good person. Very moral.
But then I saw him through my visions and all he wanted to do was fuck with me for his own humor. I was like a game to him and he was just getting a laugh out of my misery. He wasn’t my friend… he wasn’t even indifferent towards me… He was just being mean…
Some of his comments or messages he had left me on myspace were meant to be sadistic in my head. But then when I looked at them later… They sounded far from mean… And yet, I still believe that he was only in it to hurt me and get a laugh out of me… I was like a puppet…
Though this should have hurt me, it’s almost like because I felt indifference when I found all of this out that it is the pure truth. I still in the back of my head believe everything I saw on ecstasy.
I never thought good things about myself, I just saw my faults and ripped myself apart. And I never saw people as loving me. I just saw what they honestly thought of me. Some were half and half, others just didn’t like me, others didn’t know what to think... I got the impression too that I have a lot of guys who LUST after me. I assumed this in real life but I never realized how disgusting a lot of guys were.
But I felt like I gained so much out of this experience. Like, now I am able to be a better person and know how to be.
And the best part, after I did this, I was FINALLY over my ex. I could finally see how we were incompatible and the truth about why he didn’t want to be with me. That’s all I wanted…
Its been a couple days so we’ll see, but I feel as though I am seeing the reality of things and so I am able to move on and be happy with my life.
I know now too that eventually I will need a therapist. Because of this drug I really am finally ready to accept someone else trying to help me instead of fighting the disease known as depression alone for the rest of my life.
Though ecstasy is very addictive, (after doing it, all I could think about was how much I wish I could do it again. I could care less about life… I could take those pills until I died and not cared… I need to stay away from this drug for at least a year now… Its too addictive…) I think it is very beneficial if done for healing purposes. Though I’m not sure how well this will help me in the long run… I know for a fact that now I am able to deal with a lot of problems I need to. I finally let go of myself and let myself think of stuff that hurt, but I needed to know.
I feel so liberated…
But what I’m scared of is if this is all false… That my thinking was just thinking and the ecstasy made me believe it. I believe it is the truth, but is it the truth? Has anyone else encountered this? Where they believe something that isn’t true because of this drug?
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