Citation: Kate. "Religious Empathy Before Apocalypse: An Experience with MDMA (exp78424)". Erowid.org. Jan 28, 2018. erowid.org/exp/78424
I'd like to start by saying that I've taken MDMA once before, about three months ago. I had done a lot of research and was expecting something completely grand, and I was very let down, but now I can attribute that to the bad atmosphere and lack of planning. I was with by closest friend in her cold January basement (we couldn't go upstairs, her family was there). I came up and was mildly pleased. I wasn't overly stimulated, just pleasantly buzzed, and conversations flowed more easily. The whole thing lasted about 9 hours, and I didn't really notice any rushes or a peak or even a comedown. It was just a whole day of mild bliss, and then 6 days following of pretty severe depression and paranoia (which I am prone to).
I took MDMA again yesterday. It was 88 degrees outside and I put my stereo (full of mellow mood music) and blankets out on my roof, with a full supply of rolled marijuana joints, packs of strong camel cigarettes, mint gum, juice, iced tea, soda, and candy. I had prepared by taking the day off work and making sure I told my boyfriend (who ruined my last trip and made me paranoid because he doesn't support my drug experiments and told me so when I was coming up). I've learned that it's very important to discuss drug intentions with close people who will inevitably know when you're high (family, close friends, partners, etc.). That way, you are fully prepared and there are no surprises or ruined experiences. With most drugs, its ALL about atmosphere and company. I was with my three best friends in the whole world (who already know all my secrets), with whom I have experimented with many drugs, particularly LSD, which brought us so much closer and made us spiritual.
We dropped the E around 2:50 PM after hitting the bong. I wanted to start early in the day so we could enjoy the sunshine and not be up in the middle of the night still buzzed.
I wanted to start early in the day so we could enjoy the sunshine and not be up in the middle of the night still buzzed.
I wasnít feeling anything around 3:40 PM which made me nervous and disappointed. My friends and I all put on sundresses and sunglasses and went out onto my roof. The change of environment must have catalyzed my awareness of the drug, and as soon as I realized it, it came on me full force all at once. There were even moments where I felt like it was too much but it was indescribably amazing. I had eaten less then my friends and so I began to feel it much more strongly and quickly. I was all over them, professing my undying love and respect for them, telling them how beautiful they are, hugging them and kissing them. I believed every word of it, and I still do now. These words were all true, but I could never express them with such abandon before. I could tell they were happy for me, but werenít feeling it like me. They kept looking at each other and saying they hoped to be where I was.
Soon enough, my friend who had taken E with me in her cold basement began to come up. We sat outside on my roof, smoking cigarette after cigarette without even feeling them. They were the most delicious cigarettes in the world. I couldnít finish my sentences; I was trembling from the stimulation, in a good way. I kept thinking Iíve never felt like this before, itís so good, so pure. God must exist. Thank you god, for making this experience possible. I became very profound. By 4:00 PM, We were all peaking. All three of us, rolling around on my roof in sundresses, pouring our love on top of each other. I told them how proud I was of them. I told them that I forgave all past wrongdoings, which I completely did. My ego was gone. I suddenly thought my own body was beautiful, but it didnít matter, I was so absorbed in how wonderful and good and kind and strong my friends were. My ego was gone but it didnít matter. I didnít matter. I lived for my friends and I was completely blissful in this. We discussed who we were in past lives. I cried because my friends were so beautiful and I loved them so much. The rush of love and acceptance overcame me. My third friend who had never taken MDMA before was very silent. I kept telling her how amazing she was, but she couldnít seem to let out emotion. She later told me it was too intense for her and she didnít know how to handle it, which I completely understand. I think my one past experience made me know what to expect, but this was nothing like it. It must have been purer MDMA, but it was unlike anything. Pure, like god and heaven.
Well, we ran out of cigarettes, which was a big deal. Initially I wanted someone to walk to the store with me, but everyone said they were tripping too hard. I wanted to be generous (I had already given them both expensive clothes that I thought would look better on them) so I said Iíd go to the store. On my way out I ran into my mother, who asked me what I was on (I guess our laughter and screams of love were too obvious) I told her we were smoking good weed, and that she was a wonderful mother, and went to the store. I told myself to be collected. I bought more candy and cigarettes and walked back to my house and went onto my roof. I saw my two friends all over each other.
I was so happy they loved each other and were bonding but as soon as I sat down I knew it wasnít the same. That childlike rush of joy was gone, but my friends still felt it. This was about 5:40. I watched them smiling with love for each other and began to get jealous. This shocked me. Iím not supposed to feel jealous! Or any negative emotions! This made me sad and nostalgic for an hour. I watched them in their sheer joy and it made me feel that much more jealous and sad that I must be coming down. They were still hugging me, telling me how much they loved me, but the magic was gone. I loved them of course, but not with the same fervor. In fact, I think my general mood was lower than it would have been if I hadnít been on any drugs at this point. They kept trembling with happiness until about 7:00 PM, which were a very bad few hours for me. I was so sad, so nostalgic. I had bought 4 pills, and I had one left. I kept thinking about popping that last one, just to feel one with god again, to feel like my life made sense, to love my friends as much as they loved me. If I didnít have to work the next day, I might have.
By around 9:00 PM, we were all coming down, fairly unpleasantly, still buzzed, but exhausted and drained. We watched Gladiator (which was more epic than usual), ate bowls of cereal (hadnít eaten since breakfast, completely no appetite) and went to sleep. I was so scared to have that week-long depression that happened last time I was on MDMA, but this morning I felt great. It was actually a mood lift. I enjoyed the breeze and the beautiful weather; I walked to work instead of taking the subway. I had philosophical talks with my coworkers about our life choices (which was fairly reminiscent of yesterdayís emotional abandon). And here I am writing this experience. Even the cigarettes I smoked today seemed to give me an extra lift (and a little bit of nausea that passes quickly). On the whole, I feel rested and alert. No bad side effects, except that I havenít eaten much, my appetite is still low but thatís never negative to me, Iíd like to loose a few pounds.
On the whole, I am a big fan of MDMA. That, and LSD, and other psychedelics have shown me the world, and every perspective possible to me, and despite the negative side effects, this mind expansion is well worth it. It showed me how much I respected my closest friends, how much I love and appreciate them. It taught me to be generous. It taught me empathy. I loved my lack of ego. It was completely amazing. The only bad thing was that it was so short and I came down hard. (Still worth it). Having two experiences with MDMA has shown me how the atmosphere and planning, as well as the differing purity of street E can make two experiences completely different. If you plan out your trip correctly and prepare yourself for some negative come-down effects, I think this is an experience every person should have with their loved ones.
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