Citation: ejidalez. "More Than a Drug, a Way of Life: An Experience with MDMA (exp78606)". Erowid.org. Apr 25, 2018. erowid.org/exp/78606
I have been on ecstasy four times. To begin the story I must say that all my life I had believed the propaganda stories about how drugs destroy you and make you a bad person. That was until one of my best friends started smoking weed, so I went curious enough to try and discovered a pleasant, relaxing and funny way to chill out. I’m from Mexico, and half a year later I was living in Vancouver with some friends and smoking weed almost every day.
After two months a couple of guys invited me to this club. I accepted and that was the first time I took ecstasy, but it wasn’t a big deal. The pill I got was not pure enough and I barely knew the guys. I didn’t know about the colors and the printings the pills have. I just took it. The effects started about half an hour later and at first they were slight visual distortions, things that were far away were further away, as nearby people seemed nearer. I started feeling the energy about an hour later, and we were there about 4 hours, just dancing and cheering up the DJ. While I danced, almost all the time I was thinking about the feeling I was having and I understood why many people used those things, and why there was so much crime involving these illegal substances. But sometimes thoughts were confusing. I even thought that maybe those guys wanted me to be part of their crew or that they were going to make me try more things to make me be with them more time. I didn’t tell them anything. I kept all the trip for myself. One of them told me to ignore my thoughts and just enjoy the party. I tried but I couldn’t. As I said, it wasn’t a big deal. It was just a party where I learned what ecstasy is like.
Two weeks later, I was in my apartment smoking weed with my roommates, when these two girls arrived and asked who wanted to go party. They were going to an afterhours nightclub I had wanted to go for a while so I accepted. We smoked some more weed and went to it. Once inside, I wasn’t feeling that “new party feeling” I felt when I first danced while on weed. So I decided to try something new to have a real good time there. I went to the bathroom and I noticed the water was very hot. I saw another Mexican guy, so I said Hello to him and told him how shitty that hot water thing was, and asked him if he was high on something. He was, on MDMA. So I told him if he had some or knew someone who did. He knew the guy, so I waited for him. He got the pill and took it to me. I bought it, then he told me I was going to have a great and relaxing time with it. By this time, I didn’t know MDMA and ecstasy were the same thing. But there was actually a difference. This was “cristal”, a capsule with pure MDMA, so that was a REAL experience.
It was about 4:30 AM when I took it and went to buy a bottle of water and then went with the girls and began to dance while waiting for the effect. I told them I had took it and asked them if they didn’t have something to get higher. They didn’t. They just smoked weed and I could see its effect was going down. About 40 minutes later I started noticing the same far/near visual distortions, and about 20 minutes later I started noticing the energy and I was dancing more openly. About at 6:30 AM, the girls said they were tired and they were leaving. At first I didn’t know what to do. I was scared that anything bad could happen if I was left there alone, but I realized I was already high and going to the apartment could be very disappointing, so I decided to stay there, have a good time, avoid talking to anyone else, and when the time was over, just go straight to the apartment, which was near, 8 blocks from there. I thought that was the best thing to do. And there I was, all by myself, high on MDMA, and with great electro music to dance to. I felt very hot, and I had to go many times to the bathroom to refill my bottle with hot water, wait for it to get a bit cooler and drink it. I went on dancing, and I started laughing about that water thing.
I went to buy another bottle of water, and the price had been doubled, so I went on to fill it again, and I just kept laughing about how they wanted to squeeze the money out of me, and I smiled thinking how I was “better than them”. I kept on dancing while I began having a great feeling, and sometimes I felt my smile was huge and full of excitement and euphoria. Sometimes I closed my eyes and realized how deep I was into the music. It was a continuous cycle of dancing and thinking. It was a rush of happiness and thoughts.
It was a continuous cycle of dancing and thinking. It was a rush of happiness and thoughts.
I saw a man about 35 years old dancing in an euphoric way, with a huge smile like mine, and sometimes he put his hands in a prayer position. This made me think about how lucky I had been to have my parents and how much I loved them and understood my dad for always making sure I was not close to drugs. I thought about how great it was to really dance without caring what people around thought about me. It was pure bliss. I saw two girls hugging, one saying how much she loved the other, and I felt happier just watching that scene. About at 9 AM there was a moment when I realized I could be very dry and that I needed a break or I could dehydrate. So I sat, thought about this being a very positive experience, about how we live in a crazy world, and… then the music went BOOM BOOM! I couldn’t help but stand up again and dance with my happiness. At 10 AM, the music was off and the place was going to close. I felt very tired but great at the same time. Before going out, I heard another Mexican talking with his friends, and I heard he lived in the same building as me and was moving that day too. So we went out and talked all the way home. I have to say that before this, I was shy about talking to new people, but at that moment it was just happening naturally. I saw the daylight and felt this really was a new day, like a new episode of my life. The big smile was still there.
I entered my apartment and noticed my roommates had left the big bed for me, and I felt very thankful for that. I laid down, but couldn’t sleep. My mind didn’t want to rest. I put some music on and I started feeling paranoia. All lyrics were talking about drugs. Everything and everybody was telling me to do it again. I smoked some weed but it didn’t help. I had some closed-eye hallucinations. I was very tired and confused but I had to pack and move out of there. The next day I was in my new home, and I also felt I was a different person. I was more talkative when I was with my friends. But when I was alone I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened, and sometimes I just couldn’t pay attention to reality. Yes, I was having a bad trip still two days after it. I watched TV but didn’t understand anything. I was scared that I would want to do it again. I wasn't enjoying weed because it made me paranoid.
I was scared that I would want to do it again. I wasn't enjoying weed because it made me paranoid.
I told some of my friends not to let me take more MDMA or try other drugs. They told me that if that was what I wanted they would help me, but that I shouldn’t worry so much about it.
Three days after the party I started getting my feet back on the ground. I understood that I felt something incredibly good with MDMA and that was the way I should always feel. All my life I had worried too much about what others thought about me, I was very shy and controllable. The ego was controlling my life, and since the MDMA day, I have been battling “him”. Some friends told me weed had helped to realize some of those ego things, but I was quite sure I was getting the real awareness of that.
Before this experience, my spiritual self didn’t exist. I was too lazy to think for myself in many situations. My self-confidence had been on the ground. I thought about my past and how I was still living in it. I used to blame others, but the real problem was nothing but me. By understanding all this, I felt I was the version 2.0 of me and that my real life was about to begin. I had this thing with a girl I barely knew, and I hadn’t had that in a long time. MDMA was now officially the best spent 5 bucks in all my life.
Two weeks later I was back in Mexico and started reading about the drug world and I got interested in metaphysics and spiritual development.
My last experience with ecstasy was on a rave. It was like a reminder of all the things that I had learned before. It was like hitting myself in the head saying “Didn’t you learn the lesson before?”. I got very emotional that day, I hugged many friends just because and told them how great weed is and how we don’t need ecstasy to have a real party. I felt very happy remembering that and I was close to crying. I remembered a song by The Chemical Brothers that says that “the pills won’t help you now, once you’re crying… your are probably poisoning your body”. That’s true. There is nothing left for MDMA to teach me because I already opened that door.
That day, the comedown sucked. I felt very dumb. My short-term memory was terrible and I was having problems finding things that were close to me. I was having the fear that maybe I had made some irreparable damage to my brain. But I felt better again after about a week. That was my last MDMA. Ecstasy is a state of mind and a way of life that already exists in me and nothing can erase the things I learned. And that’s how drugs should be used: to learn.
To conclude I must say I agree in the therapeutic potential of MDMA to help people’s lives to get better, make the handshake with their past and discover who the really are. If you try it, do it with respect, enjoy, learn, and be yourself.
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