Citation: Seeker of Truths. "Finding Meaning Through Meaninglessness: An Experience with Salvia divinorum (15x extract) (exp78727)". Erowid.org. May 16, 2012. erowid.org/exp/78727
1 enormous hit of 15x salvia divinorum
I am a 20 year old college student. The only drugs I've ever used are alcohol and marijuana. I had recently discovered salvia while randomly looking up how to make weed brownies, and thought it was interesting. I decided to order some from a reputable online retailer. After reading a few reports, I had become MUCH more interested. I was also beginning to be a little more apprehensive about using the stuff. Some of the trip reports I had read sounded terrifying! A few reports mentioned an expert by the name of Daniel Siebert. After reading his users guide I realized that this was a drug that demands great respect. I decided to go through with using the substance.
I have always been curious about the mind and of philosophy, always thinking about life's great mysteries such as the meaning of existence. I have never been too religious. I've been to church maybe seven times. I tend to think of things in a more scientific sense. I do still believe in god and junk, I just don't believe in organized religion, though I do believe it can serve some purpose. I believe meaning lies somewhere outside of what is taught in most churches. I thought this might be a good chance to gain a new perspective on life, and to possibly unlock some great inner truths. I told a couple of close friends about it, and we all decided that when I next visited home we would try it.
Ian's basement. Ian, Tato and I were all going to try to experience a level 4 or 5 salvia trip. We had prepared three fairly large (for salvia), even piles in three different folded pieces of paper, one for each of us. Ian and Tato had already done theirs. I was last.
To gain a new perspective on life.
I was about to flick the lighter and take the biggest hit I could possibly take. I am on the couch, and Tato and Ian are on chairs on either side of the fireplace in front of me. They had already done theirs, and were in the afterglow stage. We decided not to take any more notes during the experience after we tried this with Ian. He had seen us as two presences judging him intensely. It seemed to ruin the experience for him. I had also decided to have the lights turned off. I wanted it to be as peaceful and distraction free as it could be. My research has lead me to believe this is the best setting. Another would be a peaceful outdoor area in the early part of the day. I would really like to try it somewhere like that in the future. I was going to try and lie down, as Tato and Ian had not really done. I figured if I would just lie back, close my eyes and relax after I smoked I would be better prepared for a good experience.
I lifted the pipe and the lighter close to my mouth. Ian hadn't been able to hold his hit in for very long, and immediately began laughing when he tried to take his second. Tato held his first hit for a long time, but was too far gone to try for a second. Afterwards I had noticed he hadn't finished off all of his salvia in that one hit, and I left it in when I added mine. I think about my intentions to get into the right mindset, exhale, and take an enormous hit. I am planning on holding the enormous hit I had just taken just long enough to have time to take a second hit before I go under.
No chance of that! I think I can remember exhaling before going under but I'm not even sure of it. My plan to lie down just after the second hit was ruined as well. It turns out I had smoked the entire bowl of salvia in just that hit anyways, so I was really in for it! What happened was just indescribable and there is no possible way to do it any justice. I finally know what everyone means by that. Tato and Ian had only experienced level 4, vivid visionary state. They could still see whoever was sitting in the chairs and they were incorporated into the vision. But I had gone beyond. I was in level 5, immaterial existence. And it was immaterial all right, there wasn't a single thing out of the real world there! It was completely and absolutely abstract.
I feel the strong buzz kick in and take hold of my body. Especially my head. Even more especially in the roof of my mouth. I suddenly have the sensation that the roof of my mouth is connected to this big white slab that extends out in front of me, with just black everywhere else. The slab seems to flow and change. I feel a strong force pulling me out of the real world and into this place by the white slab attached absurdly to the roof of my mouth. I feel as if I had been lying in a flat 2 dimensional plane parallel to the slab so that I could not tell it was there. That 2 dimensional plane represented our three dimensional world. Then it was as if the slab had pulled me out of the plane by stretching me in the third dimension, representing some sort of fourth dimension, to show me true existence. That probably didn't make any sense, but that's what happened.
By now I have experienced partial disassociation from my body. It's as if I have no body, but I can still feel that I'm connected by the roof of my mouth to this slab thing. It's completely absurd. Then I start to feel like the slab is being held up vertically by somebody. I can't see him, but it's as if he has been carrying the slab around for eternity, and that I have always been here attached to it. He is carrying it around with purpose. What that purpose is, I have no idea. But it's as if he also has little importance, like he is just one of millions of others carrying around slabs. That's when I start to get a little freaked out.
I feel a mortifying feeling of dread that this was true existence, and that my entire life was just an illusion. I seem to have completely forgotten that I had smoked any salvia, and I'm becoming scared that I won't be able to get back to reality. The trip itself is not trying to convince me of this however, it is just a fear that has manifested within me. I can't explain how I had gotten here or if I would be able to get out. For all I know, I'm going to be here forever, and I always have been. It is absolutely horrible. First off, all of my friends and family and people I knew didn't really exist. This is just one of the worst feelings you can imagine. But then again, I don't think you really can imagine this until you've actually experienced it. Secondly, this new 'actual' existence sucks ass! I'm just sitting here attached to this ridiculous slab, I can't see a damn thing and the dude carrying the thing never gets anywhere! There is no destination, he is just goin around in circles for all I know! This has apparently been going on for all of eternity for crying out loud!
Then things continue to get weirder. There is some kind of chewing happening. The slab constantly changes shape and sort of flows as it appears to be being chewed on by some giant unseen entity (that's the best I can remember or explain it). I can only see the white slab and the darkness around it. But the chewing sensation is really beginning to freak me out. Again, just like with the dude carrying the slab, it seems as though the chewing has been going on for all of time. This is just totally bizarre and literally impossible to explain. At the same time, I'm still being carried on the slab by the dude, but without the chewing. Sort of two places at once, but at the same time it was just one place. The chewing is really the hardest to explain. I still can't fully remember what exactly was happening, I can only really remember the idea that there was chewing happening when I think about this part.
Throughout this the fear that this was real, and that reality as we know it does not exist, was growing stronger. The entire time I fought it. I felt as if I was struggling to get back to reality. I could remember being yanked out of it, and even though I wasn't sure WHAT was real, I still knew what I WANTED to be real. I would consistently try to 'back up' and hopefully the roof of my mouth would disconnect from the slab. But it seemed the more I struggled to back up the farther forwards I went. Then everything seems to start revolving slowly so that I am tumbling forward about an axis just 5 feet or so in front of me along the slab. I also become aware that there are an infinite number of other slabs in rotation about this very same axis. It's as if my mouth were attached to a paddle on the wheel of one of those Mississippi River boats.
I continue to struggle, but again the more I struggle the farther forward I seem to go. It's a constant battle between this and the life I can barely remember being real. And all of a sudden I'm out. I think at this point I have just laid down sideways on the couch. I feel like I can see everything again. Ian and Tato are there, but I'm not really able to focus or think clearly enough to even look at them. For the moment I think that I have won my battle against the other world. I still can't remember smoking any salvia though, and I'm still very much under it's influence.
All of a sudden pipes start to block out my vision. Little straw like pipes come into my vision from behind me, one at a time. They're facing me so that I would be able to see through the middle of the pipe had they not been at a slight angle. They start at the upper left of my vision and one at a time filled up one row going down the left side, then across the bottom, up the right and across the top. They continue to fill in my vision by filling in rows going around my vision. At this time I might have started to become aware that it was some sort of trip because I no longer feared that it was real. The glimpse of the real world that I had just seen must have reassured me of this. After the pipes fill my vision about half way, they splay themselves out so that each of them is pointing toward the center of my vision, and they start adding themselves around the circle to close the gap. Once they fully close my vision off I go back under.
All of a sudden those slabs seem to be back, but since I'm lying sideways the roof of my mouth isn't attached to them. They're now vertical in front of me. I start to feel as though everything is being folded to the right. The tops of the slabs stay put, but the bottoms seem to fold clockwise up to meet the other half. The slabs become yellow in color. Then everything seems to continuously fold clockwise, but everything's compressed to the right of the vertical axis, and as soon as a slab crosses to the left it quickly shoots clockwise up to the top until it crosses the vertical axis again. It also feels as though during this folding, I had become lost between the folds of some huge yellow blanket. The slabs stop folding and start to revolve away from me, about an axis that ran horizontal in front of me. The slabs narrow into lines and turn darker colors of green and purple. I can only see them when they're on the upper part of their revolution.
Then I become part of it. I start to revolve with them as if I'm standing on the axis. I begin trying to fight my way forward to get out of the place. We seem to be enclosed within the folds of the yellow blanket fairly tightly, so it's very difficult to try and move past the rotating lines. The lines seem to grow a little wider, and they become zippers. I'm now trying to fight my way past the zippers, and find the zipper that leads back to reality. All of the zippers that I pass seem to become lines again, and they're all trying to convince me that this mess of a place is reality, and that the place I'm trying to go doesn't exist. I wasn't being fooled however and I press on. Progress is very slow. I feel as though some unseen force is restraining my motion forward on the revolution of the zippers. I start to think I'm not making any progress, and that I might be stuck in the zippers forever.
Then just like that, I'm back. I'm on the couch squirming and trying to move my arms. I am also extremely sweaty. I then realize that my arms are pinned by the wooden front part of the couch, and somehow that translated to restriction along the revolution of zippers. I'm still very confused and in the afterglow of it all. For some reason I think that I had dropped the pipe in the couch under me, and that it had fallen into the folds of the yellow blanket and the zippers. I haven't regained the ability to sit up yet or coordinate myself well at all, so I struggle and squirm around looking for it for a good thirty seconds at least. I then find something that I assume to be the pipe. I stare at the thing for about 15 seconds before I realize that it's the lighter and I set it on the table.
Then my head becomes somewhat clearer and I remember how to sit up. I do so and look for the pipe, but it isn't there. Ian had put it on the table while I was still under I think. I feel really confused still and exhausted. I can barely remember what has just happened moments ago. I can faintly remember the zippers and that's about it. I lie down and my feet feel extremely uncomfortable. I keep adjusting their position but can't get them comfortable. The strangest thing was that I thought Tato and Ian could feel it too, and that they were becoming annoyed with me because I was having trouble getting them to feel comfortable. How strange is that? As far as I can tell, logical thought does not return immediately after coming out of a strong salvia trip.
Ian and Tato had told me that the whole time I was under I was constantly mumbling to myself. They couldn't make out much of anything except 'it's all a joke' and 'I'm still here.' I can remember that I was talking to myself constantly throughout the trip in a thinking out loud kind of way. I was trying to decipher what was real and what wasn't I'm pretty sure. I wish they had been able to hear more of what I was saying, but then again they were in their own afterglow stages and probably were not paying a lot of attention to details like that.
Most of this I still couldn't remember even hours after the experience. But then that night we had all done some more in the fort with Donovan. I did enough to go to stage 4. All of a sudden I was back in the same trip I was in earlier that night. It was the part where the slabs started folding clockwise and became more dense on the right side of a vertical axis. I could then remember everything about the previous trip that happened about that point in the trip. I came back fairly quickly. Again my feet were uncomfortable and again I thought everyone else could feel it! I quickly took off my flip flops.
The next night I did it again, this time in my bed at college. My mattress seemed to become that white slab, and the chewing thing started again! I had no recollection of this part of my trip, but all of a sudden I could remember everything, just like before. So strange. Also, I could remember how during the first trip I had thought that I wouldn't be able to get out, but then I did. So this time I knew I could get out and I didn't let myself be fooled. I struggled to disconnect the roof of my mouth from the slab by rolling from side to side. This worked to free my mouth, probably because I was only in stage 4. Everything was skewed at weird angles and I couldn't make sense of anything but I kept just enough sanity to justify being in my bed when I saw my pillows.
Another time a few days later I went right into the chewing sensation part. There was no slab that I can think of, and the chewing still made little to no sense. Also, when I came to I had the distinct sense that uncooked macaroni noodles were what was being chewed on, among a few other things. If anything I am even more confused by it than before.
All in all it was very intense, and every time I try to smoke again I re-enter the same trip, especially the chewing part. Every time I still cannot make the slightest bit of sense of what was happening when I return to baseline. I have also not been tricked into believing the trip is reality since. I always get the sense that I have returned to a place that I had left, therefore I can leave again. This could also just be due to the fact that I have not smoked close to as much as I had during the original trip. I literally smoked about as much as you could of 15x before going under. It was just an unbelievable amount compared to what I have been doing to get to level 4 lately, I kind of wonder if I had actually experienced level 6, the amnesic state, and that maybe there was a lot more to my vision that I can't even remember. It's true that I couldn't remember most of it until I had re-experienced it. Also, I have yet to experience audible hallucinations. I don't know how common they are with salvia but I know they happen. I hope I can experience them in the future because I feel like I'm missing out!
As for what I have learned and incorporated into my own life, just this so far: I suppose I feel that I have been shown what it is like to be utterly insignificant. To be stripped of this illusion we call life and shown that we are all just dust in the wind. But I don't believe that to be true. We make our own meaning, whatever it may be and no matter how little it means to the rest of the world. The trip tried to show me how meaningless this all is, but I think in the end I somehow feel like it's more meaningful than ever.
Now about the effects of salvia divinorum itself. What seems to happen is that my imagination begins to run wild, and I just sort of sink into it as if it were reality. The hallucinations appear to be very internal, like a dream of some sort. The hallucinations that I have experienced never appear to be out in the real world. Maybe fabricated from something in the room, such as the mattress becoming the slab, but still taken into an internal, sort of imagined level. It just seems like everything imagined is believed to be real. This would explain the two places at once phenomenon described by many people. It would be like if you were in a room, you can see the room, but you are daydreaming at the same time. Not only that, but you believe the daydream is real. So you can see that you are in the room, but somehow you also completely believe that you are elsewhere! This is just a thought. But then again I have very little experience with hallucinogens. I have never done LSD or shrooms or any other drug that causes hallucinations, so I really have nothing to compare it to.
It's also scary how much I believe everything! I had completely forgotten that I had smoked salvia when I was under. At times when I was less under I had known that something had changed, but I did not know that it was due to a drug. The thought really just doesn't even cross my mind. It's strange how I don't even question how I got into the situation, but only wonder how to escape.
I will definitely continue using salvia in the future. I just hope I can experience something new sometime soon! I just keep re-entering the same trip and to tell you the truth, it's getting a little old. I have smoked salvia twice more since the last time that I had mentioned and, although they weren't exactly repeats anymore, they were very similar. I also wonder if my trying to fight it is ruining the trip. I don't know how to control this however, because once I get that deep into the trip I forget everything. I guess the best I can do is to try really hard to relax and accept the trip for as long as I can before I lose myself. This shouldn't be too difficult I hope. All my previous trips, although unpleasant, have not actually been extremely frightening. Since then I haven't been scared to do it, but still become tense and ready to resist once the effects set in and things start going in a similar direction. If I can just relax, I think things will go better.
A little something I like that relates to this has been said in a report by Vulpine:
Extract 1: Reality is a Five Spoked Wheel by Vulpine
I thought about the notion I heard secondhand from the Tibetan Book of the Dead which suggests that when you die entities come whose job it is to dismantle your ego -- what makes you the person who you are. If you are ready for them, they appear as angels but if you struggle they seem to be demons. That night, they had definitely been demons rather than angels.
...I'll probably go back sometime soon with the intention to let go more fully and try to accept the angels as angels.
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