DOSE:	1 tablet	oral	MDMA
	repeated	smoked	Cannabis
	repeated	smoked	Tobacco - Cigarettes

BODY WEIGHT:

135 lb

The E-Xperience, My Depression

This was my third time doing Extasy. Previously I had tried Molly and 1 purple transformer. This time I intended on doing what was 2 pink Shooting stars.

I was all set up with my boyfriend to do it at my house. We started tripping around 8 and we picked up a 40 piece of marijuana so we would be chilled out. We came up after 20 mins and I started dancing for him for about 20 mins or more. The music was so intense and unbelievable. The song Exstacy by DJ Tiesto always gets me keyed up now. After the dancing I was out of breath in need of water. I had set up 2 cube like tents in my living room to hang out in. They were beautiful. I was rambling on about society and the boxes they try to keep us in. Me and my boyfriend made vows to each other, smoking a blunt and started talking about things buried beneath the surface. He confessed to me things about his childhood and I could imagine everything he described to me , I was just as fearful as he was as he vividly remembered the things he couldn't before. I on the other hand, hadn't had a chance to speak. And after all of his confessions, I had on big one. He was in the middle of telling me how much he loved me, and I shot it all to hell. I couldn't hold it in anymore, I was so afraid, he looked so angry. He was so incredibly angry. I was shaking and he called me a fucking whore. I thought he was going to kill me right then and there. But he calmed down. After a while I felt nauseous from all the tension.

We decided we needed to move away from the bad trip and we went into the bathroom, out of nowhere I leaned over the sink and puked. After a few seconds I felt fine and dandy. All I remember after this is having a really long intense discussion of who he could sleep with to get back at me for some things I did. Somewhere around then maybe an hour and a half in or so we decided to take our second hit as well as smoke some more. By then we were naked just for freedom, I was shivering though, sitting on my couch watching him get something from the fridge. I was rolling hard then all of a sudden he was in pink happy bunny super hero pajamas. I was about to ask him where the hell he found them and why he was wearing them until I realized that it was a very vivid soft layer of hallucination. They kept appearing and disappearing the whole night. After that he sat down and I know he was talking, but all I could see was his mouth moving and all I could hear was happy carnival music. Like I was on a merry go round. My rug started moving like a snake. I know I was seeing a lot, but I can't even remember it because it hit me so hard. (This was in a fully lit room mind you.)

As this was happening I was noticing his face start to morph and change. First he kept going from young to elderly and back and forth. Then I started seeing full patterns develop all over his face. As if they were burned and raised into his skin, Gothic crosses all over his face. Then His eyes turned into black holes, and there were white maggots crawling all over his face. I couldn't be scared though I was too euphoric. If it was LSD, I would've been scared shit. I'm not sure what went on for a while, my eyes were rolling around hard to stay focused or open, I was fighting consciousness. And it was like as if someone snapped me out of it I would regain myself randomly.

Somewhere along the line chain smoking three or four packs of cigarettes, and finishing our weed we called our dealer to get more pot but he wasn't around. And then somehow we called my dad instead of our dealer, and I sounded like a fucked up retard I was so embarrassed and scared I ignored his phone back checking if that was us. Then we called our other friend who was rolling with his sister, we talked to them for a bit. I got up and puked again but this time it looked like I vomited my shit. Again I felt fine after.

I'm not sure what we even talked about for those 8 hours, I only remember laying in my room enjoying the trip atmosphere chain smoking and passing out. When I woke up my jaw was so glued shut I could barely fit my index finger in the opening, there was cigarettes and ash all over the entire house. Burn holes and gum stuck to floor and blankets. I rolled so hard I blacked so much of it out. I have not much recollection of anything else.

After that, a lot of depressing stuff happened. A lot of stress came on. Ever since I felt like something has been changed in my mind. I've had about 10 - 15 panic attacks in the past 3 - 4 months following. I never want to do anything, I'm hot and cold, I'm very irritable, I get really scared and nervous. At first I just felt off then I got the panic attacks out of the blue like a month after. Now I have depression, I have random bouts of emotion and crying and nothing feels right anymore. All I know is that it really wasn't worth it if this is the price I pay. I don't know now if the pills may have been dirty, I hear a lot of shit about stars having DXM in them. All I know is that when I talk or think about it I get really antsy, I can't focus on a lot I feel emotionally drained. I haven't done that much E, but I'm scared I fucked my head for good. I'm trying to get past it slowly, but I feel so dull now. Marijuana makes me freak out, EVERYTHING makes me freak out and have a anxiety attack. This isn't who I want to be.

Exp Year: 2009	ExpID: 78854
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Nov 14, 2019	Views: 628
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