Citation: TryptamineDreamer. "First K-hole - The True Horror Behind Reality: An Experience with Ketamine (exp78894)". Erowid.org. Jul 22, 2009. erowid.org/exp/78894
Here is a trip report of my first K-hole experience. I had tried quite a few times to reach this level before, but always came up a little short of getting there, though many of those experiences were somewhat profound too. They pale in comparison to this one.
The part of the report detailing my time out of body has been changed little since I wrote it the following morning. It seemed to last an eternity, but this part of the report is not very long. Words cannot describe the strangeness or magnitude of what happened during much of the trip, nor can they really describe the sensory detail or mental aspects of what happened. The only way I could really lengthen that part of the report is by repeating the same type of inadequate description over and over again. I would say it was a definite +4 level experience, but of a dark, frightening nature, unlike the few +4 level experiences I have had in my many tryptamine and phenethylamine trips, which all occurred during states of bliss and joy.
I waited over a week to post this so that I'd be able to include some info on any positive or negative effects the experience had that lasted more than a day or two. That is after the trip report.
I can't give a timeline of events because I wasn't watching the time too well (not at all while in the K-hole). I know I wasn't in the K-hole for much more than an hour because it was something after 1:00AM when I last saw the clock and about 2:30AM when I first noticed the clock after coming out. I'm not going to write much about the effects of the ketamine prior to going into the K-hole.
I am also unsure of what the actual dose was equivalent to. I took maybe 150mg as another larger dose was wearing off. I'd guess in the 250-300mg range, as 200mg at a time was not enough to produce this type of trip. I weigh over 280lb, so it takes me more than it would an average size person.
The trip report as originally written, with a bit of added info (mostly regarding things before leaving and after returning to my body):
I had taken several shots of ketamine, up to 200mg at a time. I was hoping to have the out of body experiences, entity contacts, and immersions into new realities that I knew ketamine was capable of producing. Even with this dose, I hadn't reached that kind of state. I was quite high at this point, very high in fact. Each time I took a shot of ketamine, it felt like I started accelerating to a high speed. This happened once again with this next to the last shot. The air felt thick. I felt like parts of my body were missing. My hands seemed to be disconnected from my arms, or I was no longer aware of anything between my hands and shoulders. I felt as though I was being watched by something. What it was, I did not know. Visuals consisted of green corridors and static. I felt fear at times, but I was able to tell myself that I was safe. I knew there was something beyond this though. I was getting frustrated by the fact that I still hadn't reached it, and my chance to do so was running out because my supply of ketamine was nearly gone. It could be a long time before I could get any more. I was down to my last chance as the effects started to wear off.
I had only one last shot of ketamine, and still hadn't reached what I thought was the K-hole. I had plenty of intense experiences, but never lost contact with my body. I decided to inject the remaining ketamine into a muscle, I'd guess it was around 150-200mg, but I am not sure. This would not be enough to get me to a K-hole if I wasn't still strongly under the influence of ketamine. Once again, I started to feel the acceleration. I did definitely reach the K-hole level this time. The last thing I did in this world was pee in a jug. I could not have walked to the bathroom to do it. I had been doing this for several days while on ketamine, and hadn't emptied the bottle. It had a lid, so I didn't think it mattered. There must have been close to a gallon of old piss in there. It was about this time that I lost complete awareness of my body and went through several levels of existence before ending up on/in what I will call the hardware level since it seemed that all existence was a strange computer. There are two levels I remember better than the other(s).
The first was a world that was fairly similar to this one, but inhabited by many strange creatures. There were trees and plants like in this world, though they didn't look quite the same. I felt like I had some kind of power, though I am not sure what it was. I could see a city on a hill in the distance, with shiny buildings, perhaps glass reflecting sunlight. There was a boy maybe 15 years old or so walking down a path between some trees. I thought at the time that this was me. A large, colorful bird flew overhead while I was walking or drifting down a path and it left rainbows and colorful dust falling behind it. My feeling of happiness grew into outright bliss. It was the type of bliss that I have rarely felt, only on the best of psychedelic trips, once without any drugs, and never with other types of drugs. As far as I was concerned, everything I experienced in the K-hole was my real life and I had little or no memory of anything before. I stayed here in this world for what seemed quite a while. I had no memory of using any drug. My mind was not working normally though, and I had some realization of that at times. This did not trouble me at all. I was totally immersed in the moment.
I was eventually pulled out of that first world. I don't remember how it happened or what it felt like. I no longer had even an imagined body that was anything like the real one, if I had one at all. I went through one or more poorly defined levels of existence that just blurred together before arriving at a level I find hard to describe. Perhaps those levels were not so poorly defined and I just passed through them to fast to see what they were like. I eventually reached the true reality, the one that this and the other universes were built on, the one where our souls truly reside. I would stay here for what seemed an enormous amount of time.
It wasn't too bad at first, but quickly became hellish. I was like a bunch of rubber bands tangled and looped together, moving along with other masses of tangled rubber bands. For some reason it began to feel like torture. I eventually got down to the point where I was the only one of things things I could really detect, though I knew there were others. I was asking for help. I wanted out of there. I asked what I guess might be God for help, but at the time I thought maybe I was one of many gods who had created false universes to escape in to. I had brought this on myself. I never felt as though I was being punished by some deity. I knew that I had removed myself from the universe that had been created to shield me and everyone else from this true reality I was at first moving or rolling along what might have been like a grid. Any changes in direction seemed to be 90 degree shifts in direction or movement straight up or down, usually down. I felt something like static and electric feelings, even though I didn't have any sort of body, just being a mass of tangled strings or loops.
I eventually stopped moving. The torment grew even more intense once that happened. I was begging for help more than ever, trying to get back into any universe I could possibly enter, and trying to create some new reality with my mind that I could then enter to escape the torment.
At a couple of times, I knew I ended up here by taking a drug, but had no idea what that meant so it did nothing to help me understand what had happened. I didn't know if I would be in that state forever or not. I could remember something of a past before it got like this, and believed it to have been a false reality. I could remember the first K-hole level better than my real life at this point, though some of both lives was available. I would have been happy to go back to either one.
I would occasionally see an image of a family member and knew they were somehow important, but I did not know why. Sometimes there were names attached to them, but did not know what it meant. I'd get glimpses of that first world I visited mixed in with these other images. For all I knew, they could have all been from the same place. I had little understanding of anything. I just knew I was suffering greatly and that I was now in my true form, seeing and being part of the fabric of all that exists. All of the higher level things had been stripped away. I knew that I once wanted to see the true nature of reality. Now I knew what it was, and it was truly horrific. I now wanted only to get back into one of the universes so that this suffering would stop. I now understood why the truth of existence was hidden from us or why we hid it from ourselves. Things went on like this for so long, pretty much staying the same. I am not sure why exactly it was so unpleasant.
I did eventually return to my life, but only after another enormous amount of time seemed to pass. I was very confused and still felt like I was in another world when I did come out of the K-hole. I was in a dark room, with the only lights being from the digital clock and optical mouse. I could not understand what they were. Something smelled bad. I didn't yet identify this as a smell. I still couldn't understand my body or sensory perceptions. I did understand that I had made it out of that horrible place. I eventually began to understand things a little better and came to understand what had happened. I realized at this point that the boy I saw in the first phase of the experience was not me. I came to the conclusion that it was someone else in another universe that I passed through before going down to the low level fabric of reality. I still believed everything I experienced really happened. I thought that we would all return to that level of existence at the time of death, then enter a new life in one of the many universes.
I soon discovered that that big jug of piss was dumped out into the floor. I must have dropped it as I was going out of body. Some things were damaged or destroyed (books, magazines, some of my poppy pods). I didn't care at the time. I fell in the floor at some point. It may have been before or right after the K-hole. I may have even been in the floor the whole time I was in the floor. I don't know. I had old piss all over me. I then started laughing uncontrollably. I don't know why, I just couldn't stop laughing. After coming down a bit more, I cleaned things up a bit and tried to save what could be saved. Nothing too important was destroyed. It still smelled pretty bad. I came down some more, and then went to sleep. I finished the cleaning the next morning.
Now I am out of ketamine. That is okay, I don't need any more right now.
Also, if I ever use another drug that makes walking difficult and I piss in a container, I will be sure to empty it once the drug wears off. I don't want to end up making another mess like the one I made that night. A lid won't help if you drop it while the container is open.
The following morning and afternoon:
Maybe I'll try this again in a month or two, if I can get some more. Maybe I'll stay on/in (a) good level(s) next time. Right now there is still at least a little fear that I could not only end back up in the bad place, but be stuck there for a long time, possibly forever.
The description I gave for the second reality I described can't come close to what it was really like. I have no way to describe it in a way that could capture what it was really like on a mental or sensory level.
I know I feel great today! So happy to be alive and in the same old world I usually want to escape from. It feels like I have been touched by something beautiful on some deep level I can't describe. It also seems more likely at the moment that I will survive death. All of this will likely fade quickly with time, but it can be good for now.
My mood is markedly elevated from its normal level. I am happy, and usually feel depressed. This is the afternoon after, about 12-13 hours after the K-hole. I am almost back to baseline, mind functioning near its normal level.
Here is how I felt during the week after the experience, changes in mood, outlook, and personality and changes:
My mood has remained at a better than usual level for the last week. I wouldn't say that I have been happy, but certainly not depressed like I was before. My desire for drugs seems to be decreased, though not for psychedelics. I ended up tripping on 5-meo-amt 6 days after the ketamine, which brought up a lot of the feelings and thoughts I had on ketamine. It was a lot more intense and philosophical than most trips, and I was really unsure of pretty much everything about myself and reality. Below is a post I made to a message board during the trip:
'Tripping on 10mg 5-meo-amt that I took earlier followed by the 5mg I just snorted half an hour ago. Feeling a bit of nausea and have developed a very slight headache. Not enough to distract me.
This is bringing up those experiences I had in the K-hole. Not like reliving them, but feeling the memories in a strong way that is partially like reliving them. Having lots of weird and crazy thoughts on the nature of reality and of what we really are as a result.
How do we know what is real? Is the universe we inhabit something either fake or real that we created to escape into? How do we even know that what is in our memory is real and not something fabricated by ourselves or someone/something else from nothing or something completely different from what we think happened?
I don't know what is real or what to think. Maybe I will someday, or maybe never. Maybe I would hate to find out.'
I am still addicted to poppies, but it seems that my desire to use them doesn't usually come until I start to feel withdrawal symptoms now. Prior to this, I was sometimes using 3 or 4 times a day, though usually twice. I have not felt the need to get high nearly as much since the ketamine experience. I don't know how long these positive changes will last. I don't mean to imply that my desire to get high has been eliminated, but it is definitely reduced.
I now feel that surviving the death of our bodies is more likely than I felt before. I have never held onto that feeling for more than 2 or 3 days after any other psychedelic experience that showed me that possibility. It has been more than a week now and I still feel that. This is a very good thing, as the thought of everyone I care about and I not existing bothers me more than anything else. Now I have hope that there is something after this life, that we can possibly enter new lives after this one ends. Perhaps it is foolish to let a drug induced experience change my feelings towards life and death, but I say a positive change in outlook is good whether drug induced or not. I donít think I could undo these changes at the moment without making a big effort, and why would I want to?
Logically, I should have no doubt that what I experienced was nothing more than hallucinations and delusions brought on by a drug known to cause these types of effects. It still feels like I saw the true nature of reality, what I and everything in the universe are made of, like I saw where this level of existence comes from, like I saw my soul. Right now I do have doubts and feel unsure of what to believe.
I donít really know how to describe it. All of the descriptions I have given of the second part of the K-hole seem inadequate to me. Iím not the best writer in the world; maybe someone else would have better luck describing it. I have done about the best I can.
As unpleasant as much of this experience was, I definitely consider it to have been a positive one. It certainly seems to have changed my outlook on life in a positive way and helped with my depression at least temporarily. How long these changes last remains to be seen.
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