Spiral Erowid Zip Hoodie
This black mid-weight zip hoodie (80/20) has front pockets,
an Erowid logo on front chest, and a spiral design on back.
Donate and receive yours!
I Thought It Would Never End
Salvia divinorum
by sofiowka
Citation:   sofiowka. "I Thought It Would Never End: An Experience with Salvia divinorum (exp78989)". Erowid.org. Jul 14, 2009. erowid.org/exp/78989

1 hit smoked Salvia divinorum


Trapped in a frozen moment. Turning like a fan, the moment repeated on the sound of the music, a syllable half uttered. I could see only blue, and a shadow. I was overwhelmed by horror that this perpetual dissatisfaction was all that was real. Life as a broken record. All that was and would ever be was the beginning of a sound, the half of a turn. I felt ashamed to have believed that the life I had been living was real, that I could be complete, could be aware on the level of full experience. That was not for me. I mourned the self I had once thought existed. Yet that such a life, a whole reality, could cease to exist even in thoughts so suddenly seemed wrong. It couldn't be so. I struggled to escape the inexorable rotation but was met only with ridicule from some unknown presence. I thought that I could escape the cycle? To whatever it was, I was a joke.

But I was desperate. There's always a way. This was no exception. I just had to think. How could I return to the fantasy world I had created? This reality was meaningless. Relief from it was the only reasonable thing to strive for. There was nothing but fantasy and the endless turning. Which would you pick? I put my mind to what was happening and I realized that I was not quite so small. I was more than a sound being made, more than a fan blade. I could see something now... it was me! I was a person! I was about to turn around and speak. This was progress. But still I ached for satisfaction. The pure physical sensation of completing the progression of a moment is something that cannot be appreciated until it is lost. I needed to complete the turn and leave the moment behind. But, wait. There was something behind what was happening. What was it called? Salvia... what is that? I needed to stop! I needed to feel this end! Wait. Wait. What was happening? Salvia? That's--

My vision zoomed back into my head. I returned to myself with a jolt. I was standing on my bed between a sign I stole from an eye wash station and an old lamp, supporting myself on the wall. I was staring at the blue wall. With some difficulty I ripped myself from it, scrambling away. I didn't want to get sucked in again! I groped around for the stereo remote and turned the music off. The beginning of the vocals was the moment that I had been trapped inside. (Though I later realized that what I then thought was singing was actually synth.)

I turned on the TV to calm myself down, then started to think. I recalled to myself who I was and that I had just smoked salvia. I tried to integrate what I had just experienced. I had ceased to exist for an indeterminate period of time. I had felt sensations and seen impressions, things for which I lacked words or the capacity to recall in any representative fashion. I thought back to before. What HAPPENED? I had taken a big hit of salvia and held it until I felt myself being wrenched out of reality, then I put the bong down... my memory stopped there. My lighter was in the middle of the floor. That was the only hint I had as to what had occurred, aside from the fact that I was up scrutinizing the wall when I came to. Whatever went down, I was glad to be back. I had just escaped a terrible death of monotony. How lucky I was to be real, to live, to be able to choose, to act. How blessed to be animate.

Exp Year: 2009ExpID: 78989
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: Jul 14, 2009Views: 4,780
[ View as PDF (for printing) ] [ View as LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Switch Colors ]
Salvia divinorum (44) : General (1), Difficult Experiences (5), Unknown Context (20)

COPYRIGHTS: All reports are copyright Erowid.
TERMS OF USE: By accessing this page, you agree not to download or analyze the report data without contacting Erowid Center and receiving written permission prior to your downloading the data.

Experience Reports are the writings and opinions of the individual authors who submit them.
Some of the activities described are dangerous and/or illegal and none are recommended by Erowid Center.

Experience Vaults Index Full List of Substances Search Submit Report User Settings About Main Psychoactive Vaults