Citation: EvanesEmperor. "Peeking Into the Abyss of a Cure: An Experience with Quetiapine, Alprazolam & Various (exp79918)". Erowid.org. Oct 10, 2020. erowid.org/exp/79918
First off, I would like to say that my mindset and feelings vary from time to time and setting to setting. I have been diagnosed with borderline schizophrenia/severe depression anxiety disorder bipolar maniacal sociopathic dysphoric whatever disorder, so usually my thoughts and perceptions make my world, and this does not even depend on external circumstances. This excruciating disease emanates from my twisted riddle of a brain.
I had absolutely had no preparations made for this experience. What I was striving for was relief. RELIEF from tension, depression, derealization, surrealization, paranoia, a grinding blender of intense thoughts (that logically and illogically made sense at the same time. Figure that one out.) I just needed a mental break. I wanted the magic peach pill to cure ALL of my ills.
I was prescribed Seroquel in late 2006 for my psychotic, evil thought patterns with abnormal anxiety and depression. I was very weary on taking them at first because, I was unfamiliar with atypical anti-psychotics. My main fancies were/are benzodiazepines. I have been on Lorazepam, Diazepam, Clonazepam and now am currently on Alprazolam. These medications work just fine..sometimes. The tolerance and the dependency can be nasty, and I usually have to take more and more and more to get the desired effect of being relieved of the most evil pain ever invented in this complex universe: mental and emotional pain. NOTE: I use the legal herb Mitragyna Speciosa (Kratom) to help with this whirlwind of emotions and this also seems to help during the day (with Xanax) since I try to avoid Seroquel and high benzo doses so I can stay alert. I am not saying that this will work for everyone, but it does for me.
OK. Now let's fast forward to the present, 2009, while explaining the past. I decided back in 2006 that Seroquel was poison. I absolutely HATED the way it made me feel physically. I absolutely LOVED the way it conquered my mania, paranoia, anxiety and depression. But in my mass matrix of a mind, I decided that I didn't want to take it anymore. So I let it sit. I got out of the Air Force, got married, a new car, etc, etc, and still had the bottle. I let the bottle sit. I wanted 'something else' to help with the anxiety. I wanted to get the same tension relief from Seroquel, but with a drug that does not make your arms heavy, and that could be taken during the day while simultaneously murdering my agoraphobia WITHOUT putting me to sleep. They gave me Restoril. My shrink said this would work. Yeah, maybe for one night. It is addictive, so now I don't sleep on it anymore. I use it to get a buzz. Next we tried TRIPLING the dose of Fluoxetine. SSRI? What kind of military psychiatrist was that? It made me fucking ANXIOUS as hell. But my depression felt better, I think.
I had to go back to complain. I told Doc that it was not working and I needed to try something else. NO ANTIPSYCHOTICS!! Please. OK then. (He actually wondered why the Nutcase Doc at Andrews AFB gave me Seroquel in the first place, because this doc said I wasn't anxious) What?????? I am confused. I thought that all psychiatrists were one huge paradigm and functioned as one brain. Nah... So back to the story. I go in one day to see the doc while wondering if he was going to up my dose of Prozac to 1,000,000.2 mg a day, and I see an old man that looked strikingly similar to Jerry Garcia and not the Asian Major of the previous month. Turns out he had PCS'd to another base. Alright then!! Maybe I can convince this doc that this Prozac sauce isn't working and is making me more anxious. He believed me. 'I am going to put you on a class of medicine called benzodiazepines', he said. YAY! Finally I will be able to sleep and not be anxious and still use my prozac to keep this nasty depression in check while relaxing while serving my country and not having to worry if I will panic if I get sent overseas to kill 'terrorists' all based on a lie by our government. YAY! This is what I thought. I was FINALLY going to get some relief without the nasty feeling Seroquel.
Clonazepam. Klonopin. Tried it and it worked for about a week. I was sad it was so short. It gave me some of the best tension relief and sleep since I was a teenager and stole 2 Xanax bars from my friends mom. My Fluoxetine seemed to balance out too. I could 'unanxiously' feel my depression subsiding, and 'undepressively' feel my anxiety subsiding. I was so happy. But wait, what is this? It is week 2 and I am feeling anxious again. It's ok, I will save them in the medicine cabinet just in case for 'later'.
Go back to Doc. 'I need something else'. 'It stopped working'. 'OK , let's try Ativan (Lorazepam)'. 'It's molecules are different, and it just might match up to your brain's receptors better'. Feeling good, I nodded in agreement. I go home excited. 'I know this will work'. 'This is the drug for me'. I figured I wouldn't have to worry about asking about Xanax, because Ativan will be enough. Wrong. This worked worse than the Klonopin. Nothing. Barely relief. Had to go back to Doc...............again...ugh, this is becoming a malignant, annoying pattern. It's ok, I will save them in the medicine cabinet just in case for 'later'.
Go to his office and talk to him about it. I told him it doesn't work, so what can I do? I suggest...wait for it...wait for it......Valium (Diazepam). Happy was my therapist, because I did not say the 'Alprazolam' word. 'OK dude, we will try that and see if it works for ya'! I went home and grinned and drooled. These pills were A LOT bigger than the previous 2. These have got to work. I tried them out. Yes, I feel drowsy. Yes my tension has waned. Yes my disturbing OCD though patterns have resided. CHECKMATE. I found the winner, FINALLY.
A few weeks later, I notice that I am all jumpy and full of panic again. But..uh...I thought I found the cure! Nopey Dopey. It stopped working. It's ok, I will save them in the medicine cabinet just in case for 'later'.
Great, now what? I go show my ugly face to Doc 2 again. 'Guess what'? 'What'?, he said. I smile. 'Oh no, don't tell me...'! 'Yep, it stopped working', I said. 'So I guess, it is time for Xanax'. He agreed.
I started with .5 mg pinks. This drug works and still does to this day, most of the time. I am out of the military, and am still getting .5s from the VA. But now things are very stressful, and I notice that I am more prone to get angry and anxious and the Xanax doesn't help all the time. I am absolutely out of my mind, and started to mix all of the damn benzos I had received over the years. I considered this experiment to the equivalent of a train going on the tracks at 500 miles per hour and I am the end Nutcase Caboose with only 3 wheels and a heavy anvil strapped to one side. This concoction of mixing benzos worked for a while, but like the previous ramblings described, not forever. Thankfully, I am not dead.
Fast forward. I found in storage, that little bottle I mentioned earlier in this story; the one full of Seroquel. I absolutely don't want to, but I feel like there is no other way out. I need some relief from this tension because I feel like it is going to kill me. I started to take it again, and the damn medicine is 3 years old. I don't have another appointment until the end of this month to reevaluate my situation, but I can't wait that long for relief. I need to take Seroquel at night again, with Xanax during the day.
It is my second day of my self sustained therapy. I noticed right away last night, that my mood was balanced. I took a quarter of a I believe 25 mg pill. I slept decent last night. As I am typing right now, I took half of quetiapine. I feel like shit, but my tension and OC thoughts are gone, but maybe this will do, until I can finally become myself again at my next VA visit. (Cough) Good luck to all of you out there and thanks for reading.
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