Citation: Kaleidoscopic Psyche. "A Revelation of Love and Dance: An Experience with MDMA (exp80027)". Erowid.org. Oct 6, 2017. erowid.org/exp/80027
[I know this is long, but it’s because I tend to elaborate everything, and also talk somewhat about the experiences of the people I was with. Though in my opinion it’s all relevant.]
My first experience with MDMA was at an annual rave held in a large hall with beautiful psychedelic decorations, live electronic music and art, and circus-inspired performances. I am only familiar with a few other substances, prominently LSD and MJ. Prior to this event I had taken E only once before, in the form of a “blue dolphin” pill, at last year's event. However, we tested our pills several days after the experience only to find that they mostly contained DXM. That particular experience itself was not noteworthy, other than the fact that it made me incredibly sick and nauseated the following day. I decided that from then on I would only ever take pure ecstasy in white powder/capsule form, and have it tested beforehand to be safe.
A close friend gave me two capsules each about half full of white powder as a gift for my boyfriend and I. He tested them out beforehand to assure that they were in fact 100% pure, and also tried them out personally, claiming they were the purest he’d ever had and were sure to spark an intense experience.
I personally was very excited and had been looking forward to this experience for a few weeks. We ate some sushi around 6 o clock and then drove to the rave in the evening, smoking a few bowls along the way, arriving just in time as the doors opened at 8. Our crew for the night consisted of my boyfriend (P), my best friend (M), our friend who was also our sober designated driver (G), our friend and Molly supplier (J), and of course myself. All of us besides our sober friend G decided to take the Molly - one capsule each. We got reacquainted with the familiar environment and waited for the rave to get going, swallowing our pills around 9:45. We had hoped to be peaking by the time Shpongle came on around 11:15.
My boyfriend hadn’t slept much the night before, and just had a bad day in general prior to the rave - so he really wasn’t in the most E-nthusiastic mood. I attempted to cheer him up after we dropped, but he seemed rather distant and lethargic. Partially because M and G had wandered off already, which was bad enough since we knew we wouldn’t find them for a while as this was a rather large rave, but they also had all the weed, and we wanted some to smoke on the come-up. Slightly frustrated my boyfriend sat down on one of the couches toward the back of the room, as I joined him and started feeling the effects kick in. It had been about a half an hour since we dosed.
I was sitting down though I couldn’t help but constantly move in very liquid wave-like motions, especially my arms. I could feel the MDMA tapping on my brain and slowly leaking in, starting to pleasantly creep throughout my body. I was feeling happy and very much in love with the world, as a silly stoned grin began to make its way across my face.
I was feeling happy and very much in love with the world, as a silly stoned grin began to make its way across my face.
I enjoyed the music that was playing and decided to play with my LED ogg poi. A few feet away I began to spin my poi, attracting some smiles from nearby kids sucking on pacifiers who were obviously rolling hard. This made me smile. The feeling of moving my body was smooth and fluid, as surges of euphoria tingled and spread to the ends of each limb. I was in a momentary trance, lost in movement; there was no thought-process involved, just spontaneous flow. The slight trails from the soft glowing rainbow lights were beautiful to watch, especially from my perspective. I enjoyed trapping myself inside circles of light.
I continued to poi for a couple of minutes. I then asked my bf how he was doing, as he replied with shrugs and blank looks of boredom. “I want to smoke” he said, obviously not feeling any of the effects yet. I offered to go search for our friends who had the weed, so I walked off, leaving P alone on the couch. The crowd was enormous and I circled it at least four times, searching in and out and around, while slowly but progressively feeling myself come up a little more. I couldn’t find our friends anywhere (and M would definitely stand out and be relatively easy to spot, with her giant purple wig.)
I returned about 15 minutes later to find J, M, and G hanging out with P. I was relieved to see everyone. M was feeling a bit nauseous but was trying to stay positive about her roll, J was feeling good as was I, and P still wasn’t feeling anything. We all smoked a bowl and sat to watch Andrew Jones do some live digital painting.
Around 11 we had all split up again, J went off to do some poi by himself, and M and G ran off to go dance inside a giant bubble. P and I headed out to the dance floor, where it was significantly warmer than in the back of the room due to all of crowded people and their body heat. “Feelin anything yet?” I asked my boyfriend, smiling, hoping something had kicked in. “Eh. Colors are brighter.” he replied, dancing unenthusiastically with his head down. I shrugged at him apologetically. I felt bad that I was happily drifting through the first stages of my roll and he was almost completely unaffected. I gave him a brief hug and a kiss which sent more instant rushes of happy endorphins and warm comforting feelings through my body. I observed the room for a brief moment; the giant glowing art decorations that hung from the ceiling were lovely and appeared more saturated and colorful than normal. An old woman in an electric wheelchair rolled by me wearing glowstick jewelry, and we waved at each other. Afterward I laughed to myself at the randomness and absurdity of this elderly woman at a loud rave with a bunch kids on drugs. P and I smoked another bowl, which slightly intensified my roll.
The MC then announced Shpongle, as DJ Simon made his way to the stage. There were already fire performers and aerial rope dancers on stage, which was fun to watch but eventually I just became lost in my own fuzzy empathetic world, often closing my eyes and focusing on the music. The sounds of Shpongle’s psychedelic tribal electronica began to fill the room as my roll really began to kick in. I definitely think the music helped, since I had been so anxious to hear it all night. I think my boyfriend would agree. He grabbed my hand, as a big E-induced smile emerged from his previously blank face, saying that he just needed to hear Shpongle, and was finally feeling the MDMA.
P pulled me close to him and gave me one of the most beautiful, loving embraces I’ve ever had the pleasure of receiving. We seemed to stay tightly wrapped in each others arms for at least a few minutes, verbally expressing our immense love in the other’s ear. I was so incredibly happy in that moment that I actually shed a tear, as I felt reassured that he was truly my soul mate and that the universe brought the two of us together by some kind of cosmic synchronicity. Thankfully he didn’t notice the teardrop as I wiped it away, backing away from him as we stared into each other’s eyes for a few more seconds.
We both proceeded to get down and dance. Hard. I did some really intense poi spinning; I was able to comprehend moves I would not be able to do while sober, and the music lifted me up into a much higher altered state of mind. I closed my eyes and then began to get a major adrenaline rush to the head. It was too sudden and very startling, as my body got incredibly hot and my head got heavy and dizzy. I put my hand over my mouth as I heaved slightly. I grabbed my boyfriend’s hand and power-walked towards the back of the room where the bathrooms were. He asked me if I was alright and I said “I just got too hot. I’m fine, but I might throw up.” Luckily the nausea subsided as soon as we got to the back of the room where it was refreshingly cooler. The less-warmer air hit my face and I realized how much my forehead was sweating. (When I’m sober I have trouble regulating my body temperature anyway, often being too cold, so I started to think that the MDMA could have potentially serious effects on my body heat and knew I shouldn't test my limits by going back in the crowd again.) I decided that I needed to stay toward the back half of the room for the rest of the night, since being in a tightly-knit bunch of sweaty people was just too hot for me. My boyfriend and I drank some water (we were very responsible and aware of our water consumption.) I felt much better and didn’t get sick again for the remainder of the night.
I was feeling light and airy, moving with pronounced fluid motions as I held my poi balls in my hands, slowly interweaving them and experimenting with rotating wrist movements. I was using them similar to the way I had seen belly dancers dance with candles in their palms. I had never thought to play with my poi like this before and it was an invigorating new feeling. I began moving my hips and my arms as my silly happy grin returned.
A glow-sticking raver kid came over and stood in front me with large dark pupils and a wide-eyed stare, mesmerized by the poi. I gave him a spontaneous light show which seemed to make him very happy. He asked me if they had strings attached, so I dropped them down to show him and his eyes got excited. I ended up handing the poi to this boy, who was enthralled by the subtle interchanging colors. He played with them for a while, which made me very happy to know that I was making someone else happy.
On a side note, before tonight I had this thing about dancing; I felt that I could only dance if I had some kind of prop, like my poi or a juggling ball, to accompany me. I didn’t understand the dynamics of dancing and I constantly hated myself for it because I could never dance in situations where I couldn’t spin my poi. Even dancing in my room by myself felt incredibly awkward because I wasn’t comfortable with the way my body naturally moved. It just didn’t make sense to me. Suffice it to say, the MDMA cured me of my dancing inability (and also of my concerns for what other people think of me when I dance).
As the music played I kept moving, much more openly and confident than usual (when sober or stoned I tend to worry that I look stupid and that everyone is looking at me thinking the same thing.) Then a wave of never-before-felt self-confidence rushed over me and I had a revelation. I felt like my mind and my body made a connection that it never had before, as I moved in a fluid serpentine belly dance-like fashion.
I felt like my mind and my body made a connection that it never had before, as I moved in a fluid serpentine belly dance-like fashion.
And this felt SO amazingly good, as I literally have never just let myself go and be completely open and carefree to everyone around me (or even just to myself, really). I was there, in the moment, and cared about nothing else. It was one of the most satisfying experiences I've ever had. This was definitely a highlight of the night, because now I utilize what Molly taught me about dancing and I just have a much more positive attitude towards myself and am able to disregard the previous concerns I had for the way my body looked when I moved.
The only thing that made me sad during the entire night (besides in the beginning when my bf was so down) was the fact that M was sick and was outside for more than half of the night with G. I felt terrible because I had told her at the beginning that I would stay by her side and we’d have a wonderful time together, and that she’d have nothing to worry about (because the last time she tried Molly she had a bad time). When I did get to see her that night she seemed happy and we had fun, but when she wandered off and I didn’t know where she was, the E intensified my negativity and worry about the situation and made me contemplate how good of a friend I was being. Every time I met back up with her I would apologize for not spending time with her, and gave her big hugs and few light kisses.
There was one constant negative effect of the drug that continued through the whole night, and that was grinding my teeth. I was gnawing the shit out of a binky most of the time - it was incredibly annoying. I tried sucking on a mint, it distracted me from wanting to grind and tasted amazing but made me really thirsty. I have a problem with grinding my teeth on an everyday basis anyway though, so obviously the drug just made it worse. It wasn’t unbearable, just aggravating. I didn't like how unaligned my teeth felt.
We stayed on the dance floor for a few hours, pleasantly rolling and dancing in a circle. It must have been around 2 am, we were all beginning to come down. After all five of us had met up again we all went on the couches in the back and gave each other back massages. We all expressed how much we loved each other as friends, and I sincerely thanked J for this gift of MDMA.
Then a new DJ started to play, and he was mixing and mashing together the most annoying popular mainstream 80s songs (Thriller, just to name one) into repetitive techno songs that had crappy beats and high pitched voices singing phrases like “I’ll take you to the gay bar, to the gay bar, ooh ooh.” (That one in particular has stuck in my head since that night, and I wish so badly that it would go away!) It severely damped mine and my boyfriend’s mood and I noticed it started to affect my roll. Every second that passed by, I clenched my fists wishing this horrible music would stop. At one point I noticed my skirt had been soaking in some wet puddle on the floor, which added to the annoyance. (I just hoped it was water and decided not to worry about it.) I whispered to my boyfriend my concerns for the music, he nodded and agreed, thus we decided to propose to the group that we should leave. Everyone was okay with the idea, so we left a little before 3.
While on the way home, we all took one Prozac to help facilitate the come down. We listed to a Bluetech album and the music was very soothing. I nearly fell asleep on the way home.
Our friends dropped me and my boyfriend off at my house around 5 am, I was almost sober but not quite. The stoned warm feeling slightly lingered but not too noticeably. He and I decided to eat a bowl of cereal and then smoke a bowl, which, for me, instantly brought back my roll. At least it sure felt like it did. We got into my bed and cuddled. The now-familiar rush of euphoria, endorphins, adrenaline and overall happiness filled my body again, but this time it was so much more intense than earlier that night. The feeling of bare skin was so soft and pleasant to the touch, it made me melt into the bed. We then shared an amazing few dream-like minutes making love. The sensations were significantly heightened. We hadn’t been very affectionate all night, other than hugging, because neither of us really liked to be that way in public. So I’m glad that we got to have that bit of intimate alone time. Kissing felt absolutely amazing. I felt like I became one with him, and that we shared a moment where we were both completely open and vulnerable to one another. It felt like our minds and bodies were melding into one divine singularity. In my head I remember I kept thinking “This is so beautiful...” and couldn't stop smiling. This cuddle session continued for about a half an hour, then we eventually fell asleep.
The next morning (afternoon) I woke up with a slightly painful headache, but nothing that a few bowls of MJ couldn’t take of. I didn't want to eat anything heavy - I felt like if I did, I might get sick, so I stuck to fruit and nuts for most of the day. I also noticed that the inside of my mouth and cheeks were sore and torn to pieces, from all the grinding and sucking. My teeth were sore for at least three days later. I did enjoy waking up next to my boyfriend and felt infinitely more in love with him, even though I didn’t think that was possible.
I had an incredible, insightful, and helpful experience with MDMA. Now that I’ve tried it once and feel comfortable with it, I would really like to try it again alone with my boyfriend. But it isn’t a substance I would frequently use, perhaps twice a year at most. I also stick to my previous promise, and will never try another pressed E pill again.
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