Citation: Mr. Mackey. "I Could No Further: An Experience with DMT (exp80249)". Erowid.org. Aug 19, 2010. erowid.org/exp/80249
||(powder / crystals)
To begin, Iím 18 years old and a senior in a regular, relatively wealthy high school, I get good grades (4.6 gpa) and have been in a steady relationship for a year and a half now with my girlfriend who I shall call A. I have done dxm, mushrooms, LSD, mescaline, MDMA, MDA, DMT, Salvia and ayahuasca at some point in the past several years of my life. Since about a year ago, I have done only psychedelic drugs for spiritual and psychological reasons. I have also discovered that I have a different reaction to these drugs than most people in that I seem to be able to function quite normally and experience no clouding or negative effects on my conscious mind. That being said, I always have found myself saying 'I could have gone deeper' or 'that wasn't enough' with only a few exceptions. Last summer I ate 8 hits of relatively strong acid and the experience that followed was comparable to this experience, only on a visual level, this was one of those times where I went 'deep enough' into the rabbit hole.
I extracted my own DMT from mimosa bark and purified it until I had clear, or perfectly white crystals. I have smoked it many (10-15) times in the past couple months but found two problems with this method of administration: first, the experience is way too short, by the time I lay down on my bed the trips already going, but by minute 4 Iím starting to come down. This is not to say I haven't had amazing or good experiences, because I have, but the duration always bothers me. Second, the harsh smoke is a bit too hard on my lungs and Iím on track and enjoy running, so I would like to minimize the impact that my taking psychedelics has on my body.
I had tried the intra nasal route once before with about 40mgs and found the experience interesting, but nowhere near the intensity of a smoked dose that big. And this brings us to the scenario. My friend K and I talk a great deal about psychedelics and DMT in particular alot, because we both enjoy Terrence Mckenna quite a bit (Iíve read True Hallucinations and The Invisible Landscape, both interesting, fun reads, albeit the second one is intense). When I mentioned that the intra nasal route with freebase DMT worked quite well for me, we began to plan a trip together with our friend B, and my girlfriend A to take care of us in case somebody didn't get along with the self dribbling basketballs. I decided that I would go as deep as I can, as deep as there is to go. My girlfriend and I talk about these things alot and in some ways she jokes that Iím going to get burned really badly because Iíve had so many positive trips. This was in the back of my mind, that I was going to need a great deal of meditative strength, if that makes any sense.
A and I spent the day together, just relaxing and being very couple-y, which put me in a very relaxed mindset. Also, that morning, I had run at a track meet and had broken a personal record (2:09 for an 800 meter race) so I was in a very good mood and also feeling the residual sense of calm that follows the transcendence I experience when running extremely hard. When it came time to go to K's house for the activities I grabbed our doses, preweighed and put them in my pocket. We drove over to K's house and went into the basement. K has a nice basement, and importantly, it had a bathroom which we were preparing for in case somebody felt nauseous.
We grabbed pillows and blankets and made a small shrine around the glass coffee table we were to use to cut up and take our doses off of. While we waited for our friends B and M to arrive we sat and talked about the DMT experiences I have had and the high dose mushroom experience he has had. Our friend M had recently completed a project for school about the Ayahuasca and psychedelic snuff using tribes of the Amazon and was interested in watching and talking to us about the experience, plus, we figured having another sober person might be helpful if we needed to restrain somebody or talk down more than one person.
When B arrived we dumped out our doses onto the glass table, K and B both started with 30mg because this was their first time, I had decided upon a dose of 100mg, because I have had several lower doses (30-60mg) that were intense but I felt I could break through and never did. Watching the lump, I felt a surge of adrenaline, but it was pleasant in the way that I knew what I was to embark upon would be intense, probably the most intense thing I would ever experience.
We sat and for about 5 minutes and meditated, to center the energy of the group and think about our intentions for taking the 'sacrament' as I thought of it. I wanted to know the boundaries of my mind, of my soul, of the universe, of human existence, I wanted to break through, just to see what lay waiting on the other side, this time I wanted to be able to bring back something, anything that I could, unlike my smoked experiences. Shortly after our brief meditation session, M arrived and we all sat in our positions.
We all sat around apprehensively for several minutes, all of us excited to be sure, but also very nervous. My heart raced as I put the 20 dollar bill up to my nostril and inhaled the DMT into my right nostril. I had prepared for an extremely intense burn, and was pleasantly surprised that it was not nearly as bad as I remembered (although it is without doubt the most painful thing Iíve ever snorted). I sat on my pillow with my back against the wall, holding A's hand.
After about 2 minutes I could feel a distinct altered feeling; the buzz. My body began to feel slow and heavy, like I was being magnetically pulled towards the ground. About 2 minutes after that I began to see patterns and tribal like images superimposed on the walls. I asked my friends if they felt anything. B said nothing. K was grinning widely and said, 'Iím definitely off baseline'. I was in disbelief, thatís it?! Here I was accelerating at a faster and faster rate and they weren't even into the first phase. But I reminded myself that I am incredibly sensitive to these things and I did a dose about three times as large as they did.
The room was becoming increasingly distorted and waves of color would sweep across the room. Starting at the top of my vision a wave of orange and than red color would 'drip' across everything. The classic carrier wave buzzing was beginning to make itself obvious. For me, it always starts off quietly, as if it is in the distance or coming from another room, and then as the experience begins to become more intense, it becomes the only thing I hear. Sounds are metallic and seem to reverberate at the same frequency as the buzzing sound. Sounds are also transformed into visual and transcendent sensory phenomena.
This is happening at about the ten minute mark for me and K got up and turned off the lights, leaving only the bathroom light on. I laid down in A's lap, resting my head on her thigh, and she was gently rubbing my face and holding me. It was this period of time that time ceased to exist. I entered the void, the void of time, of space, of senses, perceptions, individuality and idea. I was a sea of color, an ocean of everything and nothingness. 'I' no longer was there, but was experiencing a collective awareness of all the different aspects of my personality, my different thoughts and feelings, memories, sights, and sounds all blurred into one single entity. I felt on the verge, the razor's edge between nothingness and everything. The last thing I can remember feeling before entering this ego-less state was my body. I was laying in A's lap and felt like I was breathing quite heavily (I was told that I was breathing normally) and I began to tremble, literally shaking, like a shiver, except that I was not aware of coldness. I felt an enormous amount of energy coursing through my body, and I'm told that I only shivered for a minute before A put a blanket on me, but I experienced this building of energy for an extremely long period of time.
'I' was immersed in, and composed of brilliantly colored geometric patterns. It has been the second most beautiful thing I have ever witnessed in my life. They were neon and organic, shifting at immeasurably fast speeds. They were reminiscent of, but inexplicably more intricate than many of Alex Grey's paintings. I remember only small amounts of this period as regular memories, the rest is only something that exists in my mind, for there truly is no way to express it. However, I do distinctly recall looking up at A's face. To my surprise, it was not distorted or undulating (like other people's faces were) but it looked relatively normal, despite the fractal's spinning around it. This I interpreted to mean that she was my protector or savior. This has been a common theme to my trips with her. About a year ago, on the first day of summer two friends and I dropped acid and marched around a local forest preserve. A was wearing a green shirt so my friend and I began to refer to her as a 'green goddess' because she was the archetypal female figure, motherly and protecting, yet powerful and sexy. All of these feelings arise every time I trip around her.
I flew through my memories, often simply vague feelings associated with a time or place, experienced for a split second, long enough for recognition and nothing more. I went through this period for awhile, where I was 'downloading' information about my own life, information that had been unseen until that moment. I glimpsed things from my entire life, from being a toddler to present. It was here that I felt somewhat like Dave from 2001 A Space Odyssey (probably my favorite movie, all of Stanley Kubrick's films are amazing), when he is at the 'stargate' about to be shot into the canyon of colors. I was on the verge of sensory overload, like I was accelerating faster and faster despite exceeding all expectations or notions of what I considered 'intense' or what I even thought was possible. Before I could begin the downward spiral out of control I had multiple thought processes, that I just have to let go, that I was never in control to begin with, and that I should just go with it. At that point I was on some level laughing at myself for the foolish notion of losing control, I never had control to begin with.
I then became aware that we have never been in control, that the universe is perfectly orchestrated like a symphony on the grandest scale, that we have free will, but everything is predetermined. I saw that these things are not mutually exclusive. Our choices and decisions change the universe in a seemingly chaotic way. I kept thinking of chemical reactions (I love chemistry and was enrolled in AP Chemistry at the time), how if you put two chemicals in a vessel, they bounce around and collide and mix randomly, yet, they will form, in exact and precise ratios, entirely new chemicals, despite whatever path each individual molecule took. This concept has long been in my mind, but never before was it this clear, this profound.
I could feel myself begin to relax and I felt that this was it, that I found truth and order. I looked up at A and she smiled at me. She began to wave her hands in front of me, almost like doing Mudras. Her hands were distorted and changing colors, but I was completely at peace. I felt alive, like I had tapped into some great reserve of pure electrical, transcendent energy and it was coursing through me. My friend K came over and sat next to me and A went to check up on B. B was still heavy into and was telling A that she 'didn't want to leave the place' and that there were 'streams of Aztec color'. K was down enough to talk, albeit with some laughing and astonishment. I explained to him my concept of predetermined free will. He then told me that he felt that he could have handled more, that it gave him a glimpse of the potential this molecule contains. I gave both K and B another 100mg to split and then A and I left.
I was almost down but I had A drive because I was still getting some heavy visual effects. When we got home we laid in bed and just talked about what happened and how it affected the both of us. We are really close and on numerous occasions we have experienced what can only be described as 'telepathy' but something different than that. For instance on one of my last smoked DMT trips, I heard the beating of a loud drum and the carrier wave sounded like a human singing an extremely low note. When I opened my eyes I found that the location of the sound was A's heart, just a foot away from me, but upon sobriety I could not hear her heart. In addition to this, she perceived a presence. I took A home and came home to go to sleep. I slept exceptionally well that night and woke up with a sense of rebirth. I awoke to a shining new world filled with the most beautiful and moving things.
The reason I felt compelled to write this report is that I wanted to warn people or at least share my experience, because following this trip, I experienced after effects for about 6 or 7 weeks. In my case they were extremely pleasant. In the first two weeks afterwards, I found my intellect supercharged as I wanted to learn more and more than I had ever before, it felt as if my mind was clear and crisp, like it had been repaired. My grades increased during those two weeks and interestingly, I found myself extremely calm. I was able to more clearly see the effects of my own actions, and furthermore, I was extremely patient and found myself getting closer and closer to A.
All in all, it was an extremely positive, albeit unsettling experience, I plan on repeating this again, but not for sometime as it takes me several months to integrate everything that I felt and learned. The intranasal route for me has been the way to go with DMT, it is fast, but not blindingly so, and it produces nearly no nausea or unpleasant effects, except for the burn, but Iím beginning to think that DMT is supposed to be unpleasant in some way, in that some people think mescaline is nauseating to prevent people from abusing it, like it should be reserved for spiritual exploration and that only. Well thank you for reading, good luck and happy travels.
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