DOSE:

10 mg

oral

Pharms - Escitalopram

(daily)

I am on day 4 of Lexapro. These are my reflections on day 1 – now.

It has been a difficult year. My father passed away in the Spring, my place of employment put me in charge of a large department of people without promotion and without a raise. My new boss is ineffective and resonates negative emotions. I developed a spending habit as a coping mechanism to work stress and have debt. I was diagnosed with a very difficult chronic disorder called dysautonomia: Too much for one person to deal with in less than a year.

One consequence of the dysautonomia is a frequently rapid heart rate. I would be in the middle of standing up or walking somewhere and my heart would take off at 120 bpm. It’s very hard to function in day-to-day life with a constant awareness of your heartbeat. It was driving me insane. I felt like something from an Edgar Allen Poe story. I felt constant rage, constant darkness, constant frustration, constant feeling that I was being kept from my real life. Things I used to enjoy such as working out, dancing, going out were now off limits. I can’t stand for more than 20 minutes, or my orthostatic intolerance sets in and I nearly pass out.

I saw my neurologist for a checkup and explained to him I was feeling depressed and anxious, and that my primary care had prescribed Ativan for episodic anxiety related to my heart rate. He shook his head and said, “That drug is no good. There are better things for anxiety.” I said, “What?” He said it’s like an anti-depressant.” I said, “I hate those. I tried Zoloft during a particularly difficult period and I did not do well on it.” He said, “The drugs now are much cleaner.” I said, “Well, the cloud is building and building. Last week I worked from home all week because I just could not face another day in the office. But I hate taking pills for my problems.” He said, “I am very conservative in prescribing these things, and I think you should try if you are willing.” I asked what the period is for the drug to have an effect and he said, “You should see a difference in 8 weeks.”

I walked out of his office at 11am and by 1pm I had my bottle of Lexapro 10mg pills. I had to return to the office to work in the afternoon. I had lunch then popped 1 10 mg pill, thinking I’d like to get it in my system and knock out 1 day toward the 8-week milestone.

I walked into the office and headed straight to a meeting where my boss and the other manager in the group were convened for a planning session I was to have joined at 1. They had made no progress and were driveling away the time, which I found to be predictable and annoying. He carried on and on and on speaking while making no progress. This behavior would usually send me into fits and into trying to steer the conversation toward more productive endeavors. But I just sat there calm as a lake on a sunny day with high pressure overhead. Finally when I said nothing, he finally paused and stopped to ask my opinion. “You have a neutral look on your face. Am I saying something you don’t agree with?” I realized I was starting to get absorbed into some kind of a head trip at that time. I was staring out the window waiting for the gibbering to end. I WAS neutral. I WASN’T letting him get to me anymore. He actually noticed someone else’s response to him. Nice. I felt this Lexapro could be dangerous though if I was already wearing a poker face. In some situations I need to be engaged, energized, rah-rah.

He dithered on and when he finally realized the two of us weren’t going to do his work for him, he said, “Well, I guess I have some preparation to do and will work on it this weekend.” (Which incidentally never got done). I had to leave the conference room at 3pm for another meeting. Time to put game face back on. Rah-rah.

As I walked down the hallway I felt unusually energetic and talkative having been relieved of the burden of that meeting. I greeted my coworkers in my area. I chatted and made small talk about the nice weather and thanked them for their concern about my health, and assured them the Dr. Appointment went well.

I answered a couple emails then phoned the person I was to meet with at 3pm. Suddenly I felt a little shaky. I had some pain in my lower right calf. My palms were sweaty. It was about 3:15pm and I remember thinking it was terribly unusual to have sweaty palms. Since the dysautonomia diagnosis, I had been taking 25 mg Metoprolol 2x day to control my heart rate. It also controlled my “performance nerves” I’d get before public speaking, so the moist hand thing was a surprising visitor.

When my meeting mate came by, I suddenly felt high. Not weed high, but like I was becoming more aware of things. Lights seemed brighter. By the time she and I sat down, the thought came to my head, “Oh my God, I am like I am on an ecstasy trip.” I thought for sure my pupils were dilated. I started to wring my hands and play with my pen. My jaw started to clench and I felt a permasmile come on my face. I was nodding my head yes a lot. I thought, “Taking this pill was a mistake.” I had to review her work, so I kept it positive, and kept it short. Words were coming out of my mouth and I couldn’t remember 2 seconds after I said them if I had made any sense. We agreed on next steps and drew out some diagrams and I walked out of the meeting and noted how damp my palms were against the portfolio. I was stimulated.

I felt the tingling in my brain and my vision was slightly blurred. I had to see what my pupils were doing. When I would take MDMA, I would frequently look at my pupils to see how dilated I was as a measure of where I was in my trip. The sensations I was having were very similar. It was like the hour or two that bridges the trip and the come down. I wasn’t rolling, but I wasn’t at the “done” stage, hadn’t crashed yet. I walked to the bathroom, and the physical activity triggered a bowel movement. Good timing. Surprisingly, my pupils were normal and I looked normal in the mirror. I felt like an undercover space cadet. Could people tell I was out of my mind?

I went to the bathroom with loose stools a couple more times. I just kept thinking to myself, “Thank God I am experienced with trips. This experience and this drug would be horrifying to anyone who has never experienced it before.” I had some stomach sensations. Not nausea, but no desire to eat. We keep our candy dishes well-stocked, and just looking at a candy bar made me want to gag. Awesome. This stuff is great. Maybe I’ll lose weight yet!

Amazingly got some stuff done at the office between 4 and 6 and then by 7 packed it up to go home. Interspersed between answering emails and checking my favorite web sites, I’d daydream and realize I was tripping deep thoughts. I’d steer myself on a happy topic. “I can see why people get suicidal on this stuff.” I reflected. “It really makes you think and unless you are aware what is happening, you could send yourself on a freight train of negativity really quickly.” I concluded at that moment that everyone should have trusted friends they should experience things with like we did in the scene, and that my Dr. Really needed to dispense some advice with that Rx.

The drive home was a breeze. For the first time in months and months and months, I had no heart palpitations during the drive. I actually had stopped driving for a while because my panic / anxiety would get so bad while driving that I would nearly black out. All the heavy thinking I would do about the work day would send me into fits on the way home. (That, and bad drivers would outrage me.) However now, I was as cool as a cucumber.

When I got home, I suggested to my husband we go to a movie. He was surprised. So was I. I felt like a million bucks. I had energy. My usual routine after 10 hours at the office was to collapse on the couch with a high calorie meal and commiserate about how miserable my life is. Not tonight.

I was still experiencing jaw clenching and had to wear my mouth guard to the show. Usually I only wear it at night when I sleep, but I could feel the gurn and didn’t want to damage my teeth.

We went to bed at 1am and I was not exhausted. Miracle. Even more of a miracle, I woke up at 7:30 on my own after sleeping like a rock.

I took my second dose at 8am and a wonderful day ensued. I had some pain in my right calf again, and some muscular current sensation in my legs. No awareness of my heart rate, I felt very comfortable talking with my grieving mother, and we got a lot of work done around her house. We cooked a wonderful meal. I ate, but I didn’t over-eat. This second day wasn’t as e-trippy visually, though I had some clenching. It was a great day. “I love this stuff,” I thought.

Day 3 – Triptastic. I dosed at about 9am, and I felt like I was just shy of an ecstasy roll all day. Had a good appetite in the mid afternoon and ate a good lunch. Daydreamy thoughts, couldn’t remember what I did 5 minutes ago, felt very disconnected. Calmed down after a shower and had a comfortable evening. Little appetite in the evening.

Day 4 – Back to work. Monday. First full day at the office on this stuff was difficult. Had a meeting at 11am after dosing at 7:30 that I could barely function in. Had to pass chairing a meeting at 1pm to someone else because I was so dizzy after eating. Rolling sensations, head in the clouds. Functioning, but on a moment by moment basis. Drive home was dizzying. Let’s hope tomorrow is better. Have utmost respect for this drug. It is serious, serious stuff. I can’t believe 3 million people are supposedly on it? I am an experienced E veteran and this stuff intimidates me. I am delighted with the anxiety relief, however. Wonderful.

Exp Year: 2009	ExpID: 80803
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 39
Published: Jun 29, 2021	Views: 4,386
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Pharms - Escitalopram (304) : Not Applicable (38), Depression (15), Medical Use (47), Retrospective / Summary (11)