Subjective Effects of Psychedelics Survey
Researchers at the Psychedelic Research Lab at
Monash University, Australia are conducting a survey
about the subjective effects of classic psychedelics
(LSD, Psilocybin, Mescaline, Ayahuasca, & MDMA).
Check out the Survey
Mindblowing Chemical Epiphany
MDMA (Ecstasy)
by Tankbart
Citation:   Tankbart. "Mindblowing Chemical Epiphany: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp81106)". Erowid.org. Oct 16, 2010. erowid.org/exp/81106

 
DOSE:
1 tablet oral MDMA (pill / tablet)

BODY WEIGHT: 70 kg


This is the story of the most beautiful, important and crucial experience of my life so far.

I see myself as a reflected, caution and mature person and have always been sceptical of any illegal drugs. I was living in Australia at the time and illegal drugs were popular and accepted among the students. This was new to me, who only were used to drinking alhohol. My roomate (Frank) was an experienced drug-user and we used to discuss drugs and drug-use almost everyday and I was always sceptical and judgemental, being thought by my parents, school and society that 'drugs are bad'. Despite this, I have always wanted to try ecstasy. This curiosity was developed from my deep passion for music, and all the stories from people talking about the greatly enhanced musical experience the drugs would induce. Still there were alot of things I was afraid of, so it took along time before my roomate manage to talk me into trying it. I wanted to have a safe and good experience so I researched the drug from many different online sources.

The day arrived and the butterflies in my stomach was an evidence that I was very exited and nervous about what was about to happen. It was me, my roomate Frank, Steve, my other roomate and Vicent (a friend). All of us were first-timers except from Frank.


0:00 We all sat in Franks room and swallowed our pills. Me and Frank had one pill each and Steve and Vincent shared one. We went down to the livingroom and put on some suiting electronic music. Little did I know that this night would be the greatest night of my life with major lifechanging effects. I had read alot of stories and Frank had told me frequently about the effects, but I guess they were just words without meaning for those who haven't experienced it. In reality I thought it was going to be a night with some extra fun. The neighbors were throwing a party and our plan was to go there after a couple of hours if we were in the mood.

00:30 I started to feel something. It was hard to define, but everything seemed more dreamy. I went upstairs to pee, and when I went down the flight of stairs I noticed that the music started to sound unnatural pleaseant to me. Well, 'this is good' I thought. I sat down again and noticed that I had an urge to make conversations with my friends. I started to feel very uplifted and happy and I couldn't stop smiling.'So this what everybody's talking about.', I though, without knowing that this was just the beginning of the elevation.

00:50 Franks wanted us to go with him to the party, but Steve and Vincent who had only taken half a pill didn't want to. They would rather chill at home and listening to music. I was sceptical too, but I got this inner feeling of something BIG was about to happen and Franks convinced me to trust him 100% and promised that I wouldn't regret it. During that short walk to the party a kind wave of happiness rushed through my body. Once again I thought: 'Wow, so this is how it is to be on ecstasy.' The fresh cool breeze and the natural sounds from the birds, the wind, the trees and incests were much more audible and sounded beautiful, almost like a piece of classical music. Before Frank and I went inside he told me: 'This is it, Peter! This is were everything begins.' I thought this was odd since he knew that I already had noticed alot of the effects. But he was right. None of the earlier effects could compare to what was about to happen. None of the trip-reports and researches I did weeks in advance could prepare me for what would happen. Even to this day I find it hard to comprehend what happened next.

00:55 Booooooooooooom. As I went inside and entered the livingroom I suddenly found myself in a new dimension. A higher state of cousiness. As I was standing there I experienced an overwhelming epiphany and at that moment I knew that my life was changed forever. I learned something no parent, no teacher, no politician, no book, no friend, no mentor, nor a long life with experiences could have ever teached me. I was standing there and I was the person I always wanted to be. I found myself. I found my role in the universe. Isn't it strange? How a small dose of chemicals could made me realize so many things in one moment.

00:55-01:20 This was the first moments of my new life. I was reborn and spiritually enlightened. In the beginning I was just sitting on a couch, not so interested in mingle with other people. This state of mind had to be used first and foremost for myself and my problems. I had too many thoughts and things I wanted to sort out. I forgave all the people who have threated me bad in my life. I forgave all the people I have been angry with. But the most important thing, I forgave myself for all the bad things I have done to myself and others. I thought about my parents, and despite our major differences, I was so thankful for everything they have done for me. I thought about all my friends throughout my life and wished I could thank them for giving my life value. I have off course reflected on these issues before, but with the help of MDMA I could reflect on a much deeper and spiritual level.

I realized that even thou I have lived a great life, there were so much more to appreciate with it. I have been living for 25 years walking around on this earth for approcimately 9000 days. So much time spent living, without even getting it. Without even realizing how beautiful life is. What a great gift it is, and that we only have one chance to live it. One chance to make an impact. One chance to love and be loved. I started to laugh in sheer bliss and happiness, surrounded by such a present feeling of pure love that I could almost touch it. I was so thankful for realizing this, and started almost crying by the thought of living a whole life without this realization. I had to thank the guy who was responsible for introducing me to this magical chemical.

Frank was sitting in another couch, apparently busy in a conversation with some other guys. 'Frank, I don't know how to thank you enough, serously. Thank you! Thank you so much! You have no idea how greatful I am!' I have said 'thank you' thousands of times in my life, but never once have I meant it to this extent. He smiled back: You're welcome. I know exactly what you mean'.

1:20-1:40 I started to notice things around me. The colours were much more colorful and vivid. The world was so beautiful, as if a painter had painted this whole scenery and had poured his whole soul into decorading it with the most beautiful colour combinations. A guy in the same intake as me was playing guitar right next to me, while two girls where singing along. He played 'Pink Floyd - I wish you were here' and it was at that moment the empathic effect really started to manifest themselves. The two girls weren't quite physical attractive according to my normal standards, but I couldnt stop staring at them with an innocent facination of their true nature. I stared straight into their souls. They were just two innocent human beings like me. I asked my self; 'Why haven't I've seen this before. Why haven't I been able to break down the big wall that is separating me from everybody else.'

The're were singing: 'We just two lost souls, living in a fishbowl, year after year.' I desperately wanted to sing along, but everytime I tried, my voice broke because I started to cry. My eyes went from the two girls to all the other people in the room. I examined all of them, and felt an overwhelming feeling of empathy and innonence towards all of them. I noticed that I was peaking and I closed my eyes and felt that I started to R.E.M. I was in another world were only beautiful colours, tingly sounds, happy thoughts, love and positivity existed. Taking deep breaths was amazing were every breath felt like an eternity.

1:40-2.00 I was finally a free spirit. I was finally free from the invisible shackles, I didn't know had imprisoned me my whole life. I was free from anger, pain and depression. I could see all my personal potensial and realized I could be so much more than what I had become. All my social barriers, walls and insecurities were evaporated. My confience was through the clouds and I felt invincible, but not at one point did I feel I was better than anybody else. I started to mingle and enganging in conversations and it felt like the most natural and revarding thing to do.

The had now turned on the stereo, and I could for the first time feel how loud music was on MDMA. I have tried to imagine this feeling countless of times before, but I wasn't even close. I was standing there speechless while all the frequencsies carressed each and every molecule of my body and mind. U felt the best way for me to express myself was through dancing. Since this was a small houseparty, there were no places to dance, nor an appropriate situation, which really frustrated me.

I met Frank in the hallway and in 10 seconds we were pouring out our soules to eahother. Telling eachother everything that we always wanted to tell eachother, but never managed too. It felt like a heavy weight was lifted away from me and it felt so GOOD. We started to talk about Vincent and Steve, which we I had totally forgot about. I wished they could have been here and experienced everything I had. They just missed out on the greatest moment of my life! I felt really sorry for them and I had to go get them. I ran out the door, across the street and into our house.

2:00-2.40 I entered the living-room which had a pink athmospheric aura over itself. I soon found out why. 'Guys, you missed out on the greatest party I have ever attended! I was really worried about you guys.' Almost before I was finished with the sentence they replied: 'We were thinking the same thing about you! We were really worried about you and how you could have missed out on the experience we had.' I thought about it, and it made sense. They had taken MDMA too, and had been exposed to the same magical effects as me. I sat down in the sofa and noticed heaps of small pink post-it notes hanging around the tv-screen with small writings and drawings on them. They told me that they had been sitting there, writing and drawing small ideas inspired by the new magical mind set. I read them all and became overwhelmingly touched, and wanted to write some notes myself. I had never felt so inspired and creative in my life.

2.40-4:00 The night went on with many new surprises, unforgettable memories and experiences, but what I already have described is undoubtly the most important aspect of my first encounter with MDMA. After I while I returned to the party and went for a small trip to town. I experienced heavy jawclenching as the only negative side-effects, but still a very painful one! I went to bed about 4.00 AM falling a sleep with the biggest smile around my face, knowing that tomorrow was going to be the first day of my new life.

Thoughts and aftermath

It's almost one year since the experience and I'm still integrating what I learned from the MDMA experience (which I think is the key to not abuse it recreationally). I am living my life from a whole new angle and appreciate beauty in almost every aspect of it! I rediscovered my childish curiousity of life, but with the adult mind to reflect over it. My self-esteem is super-high and I have never been more confident over myself as an creative being, social being, and a human being. My perseption of music, art and creativity has totally changed. MDMA was for me a realization that life is ment for enjoying, not just existing. I am much more successfull in trying to live by the quote 'Carpe Diem', even thou I have tried in 7 years. These changes didn't happen over time, but has been a long and hard process, but they were initially ignited by that special day, one year ago. I don't have the urge to take MDMA again, because I have a huge part of the ecstasy left with me. I will take MDMA in the future, but make the experiences very few.

May the magic always be with me.

Exp Year: 2008ExpID: 81106
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 24 
Published: Oct 16, 2010Views: 15,333
[ View as PDF (for printing) ] [ View as LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Switch Colors ]
MDMA (3) : First Times (2), Music Discussion (22), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Glowing Experiences (4), Large Group (10+) (19)

COPYRIGHTS: All reports are copyright Erowid.
TERMS OF USE: By accessing this page, you agree not to download or analyze the report data without contacting Erowid Center and receiving written permission prior to your downloading the data.

Experience Reports are the writings and opinions of the individual authors who submit them.
Some of the activities described are dangerous and/or illegal and none are recommended by Erowid Center.


Experience Vaults Index Full List of Substances Search Submit Report User Settings About Main Psychoactive Vaults