DOSE:	repeated	oral	Alcohol	(liquid)
	repeated	smoked	Cannabis	(plant material)
	repeated		Amphetamines
	repeated		Oxycodone

BODY WEIGHT:

200 lb

I guess I'm writing this to get everything off my chest since I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. Well I do but I can’t tell my family this.

Where to start? Well there has always been alcoholism and addiction in my family, I was warned alcohol was bad, don’t do drugs, everything most kids hear from their parents who don’t want them to do drugs and make the same mistakes they did (my mom never did drugs though). When I was 8 I was diagnosed as ADD because I was hyper and ran around a lot, something which is normal for an 8 year old. Well I was prescribed Ritalin, then adderall, concerta, and everything else which I didn’t need to be prescribed as a youth. It calmed me down and I started doing well in school but it made me so drowsy and boring that my friends would convince me not to take my medicine just so I was fun to be around. By the time I was 12 or 13 I quit taking it and felt normal. I wasn’t hyper anymore and acted normal thus making me believe even more that I'm not ADD.

Now I am a sophomore in a college in a very bumfuck part of North Carolina. I have been drinking and doing drugs for a while now, and have somehow avoided completely fucking my life up so far (not because I'm careful, just lucky I guess). I have tried every drug besides heroin, meth, PCP, and most research chemicals. I guess nothing says “you were right mom” besides going along with that family substance abuse…

I grew up in a very rural town where there is not much to do, so you could guess drinking and drugs seemed like a good idea as soon as my friends and I were old enough to know about them. So when I was 12 we started stealing our parent’s liquor to make mix drinks, and maybe a few beers depending on whose parents were gone at the time, and sneaking off places to get tipsy. Then came weed and dxm freshman year of high school. Then came cocaine, opiates, LSD, MDMA, etc. While drinking pretty heavily this whole time(still am, I'm drinking whiskey and coke as I write this and it’s 10:30 am). Most of my senior year of high school I would be drunk, stoned, skeeted etc. Every night of the week except Sundays usually. The point I'm trying to make is that drugs have become a very normal thing to me, and really nothing shocks me anymore.

So starting freshman year of college as a lazy stoner I quickly fell behind in my classes. I believe I also fried my brain on ecstasy after eating a lot of it in a short amount of time that fall. I took a little under a gram of molly one night on top of acid and still feel dumber from it. I zone out for minutes at a time staring at things blankly with my mouth open, forget what I'm saying mid sentence, just feeling dumber. That also added to my doing bad in classes. I always had friends who took adderall in high school, but I never did. Then the idea hit me to start buying it illegally to bust out all the work I needed to do. So I began buying it to help me with school which it did very much. I completely turned my grades around and my mom was so proud that her son who made awful grades in high school made this big switch. Well when I returned home for the summer after the end of another very successful semester and had been snorting adderall and smoking bud everyday that semester, not drinking very much for whatever reason.

When I got home the first thought in my head was to get some pain pills. I hadn’t done any in a while and had always enjoyed opiates. A phone call later I had 2 Oxycontin 40s on the way. I wish I never would have made that call. Since I was now out of school and working all the time, and oc was easily available where I worked, the fiend in me came out. I had never felt like opiates were addictive (not to me at least, which is retarded). So between 2 and 5 days a week I was snorting 2 oc 40s at work and still smoking weed like crazy. When I couldn’t get oc things like fentanyl patches, morphine, methadone, oxymorphone would still be available. I just could not tell myself no. Kurt Cobain said that craving heroin is like having a little monster in your head that says “go ahead you know you’ll feel better once you do some”. That statement is exactly how I felt. I knew I needed to be saving money but I just did not care. I had to have it, and I did.

Summer ended with me having about 1/10th of the money I made that summer, and starting school a very pissed off person as pills aren’t very available at the college I go to. So every night I would lay in bed unable to sleep, knowing some kind of opiate would make me fall into that perfect sleep. For a few weeks I would take long trips to get oc a few times a week. Well I began falling behind in classes again and the idea hits me that if I went to go to the doctor and told him I was having trouble focusing I would probably get prescribed to adderall since I was diagnosed ADD and prescribed it when I was younger. I set up the appointment and told him I would like to try adderall to see if it would make me focus in school. Bam, 60 mgs a day. So for the past few weeks I have been binging on them. Barely eating, sleeping very little, and drinking a lot of liquor when I'm coming down, all the usual unhealthy things that go along with speed. Somehow the craving for opiates has left me thankfully, I never had real withdrawal but I’ll never forget that sweet itch. So now I have all this speed at my disposal, which I am very happy about, but it is changing me. I have started to feel really depressed at times. Ill lay in my bed for hours when I'm not on it, just staring at a wall. I know if I stop taking it my grades will go back to shit but I don’t know if that’s worth the risk of completely changing me.

I am watching some of my close friends fuck up their lives and I don’t know what to do about it, which makes me more depressed. 2 close friends have died from drugs, 3 more are felons, I have a good friend who can’t stop banging heroin, and here I am still doing drugs. There are times when I wonder if I should just stop caring about my life and go back on pills, drop out of school and travel while I still can. If I did that though my family would probably not take me back. I want to change what I'm doing because even though I am in college doing pretty well I am still not satisfied with how my life has been going so far. I want something else to believe in besides drugs. Religion isn’t an option after having to watch my father die a very slow death when I was 11. I prayed/cried in the hospital church at the altar for 30 minutes for my dad to get better and a couple days later he died. After seeing that I knew there wasn’t a god if he would let something like that happen to a family who had gone to church, prayed, and all that bullshit. Up until now I thought drugs were for me but I'm starting to see they are not. I just wish I could fall asleep forever without hurting everyone I left behind.

Hopefully I can figure out what I need to do and do it. Now to end this with words from the wisest person I can think of-
“And so castles made of sand fall in the sea, eventually…………”

Exp Year: 2008-2009	ExpID: 81344
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 1819
Published: Sep 29, 2019	Views: 3,169
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Amphetamines (6), Oxycodone (176) : Combinations (3), Retrospective / Summary (11), Addiction & Habituation (10), Depression (15), Not Applicable (38)