Citation: Will. "Showed a Dark: An Experience with Methylphenidate (exp81992)". Erowid.org. Mar 22, 2018. erowid.org/exp/81992
Prologue and Epilogue were written last, under the influence of no substances.
This was intended to be an experience report, but instead became a free-written narrative that expressed a very dark and frightening part of me. This part has never manifested it’s self this clearly before. It has always shown it’s self in bits and pieces. I truly think that I lost my sanity this day. I am glad that was able to regain some of it.
It can be pretty boring when my power goes off because of storms... So what do I do? Dig out the firecracker suitcase (my stash) and hope that something is left in it. The goodies are put in an Altoids tin, and then this is stashed inside a large box of firecrackers. When this was opened it revealed nothing. Panic set in... What am I supposed to do? Then something caught my eye. It was a pink capsule... I instantly knew what this was: an extended release 54 mg Concerta tablet. Then I saw another. I decided to snort one of them. As I was violently destroying (Those little fuckers are hard as a rock.) the pill, I was all but crying tears of joy. After about 5 minutes of work I had three skinny little lines. The power came back on as I was in the middle of making the lines, so I decided to make a report.
I snort 54 mgs. I get a decent rush and a fuckload of energy. I feel very good but only a little euphoric. My heart is beating like a piston, and my thoughts are racing like gambling horses.
I decide to snort the other one. This time it only takes me about 2 minutes to dismantle the seemingly impenetrable outer coating and smash the white part into little snortable crystals. My nose has become very runny at this point. I blow it. I then decide to wait a few minutes before I take my second dose. I have no idea why… I just wanted to hold off for a moment.
Like before, I make three little lines (I would rather snort many small lines than only a few bigass lines… However, that point is mute here, because even if the three lines were combined it would still be considered small.) and snort those bad boys. Wait a few seconds… Wham! I enter hyperspace. My body tingles as if electricity is flowing through it. Everything is in slow motion… Everything, but not me… I’m in fast motion. Despite being filled with energy, my only ambition is to sit, and stare… into… a place…that isn’t this world… or another… it’s somehow… in between both of them… and I think I am in that world too…
Spent the last half an hour or so thinking about everything, and about nothing. I feel cold. I find this odd but amusing. I shouldn’t be… Usually Concerta makes me hot and sweaty. Instead, I am chilled to the bone.
Paranoia... is the enemy of safety.
I had to get out of this prison/house. I felt as if it were closing in on me, trying to consume me.
So I went out; into the woods. I had to have…freedom or closure… or just something…
Soon I was wandering in the rain. No destination, no purpose, just wandering.
Despite the cold rain, I feel safe... at least, for now.
I am numb, in all ways: spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I want to think but I am unable to do so. I want to feel but I cannot. I want to believe, but all attempts to do so are met with failure.
I feel... dead...
And I can't tell if I like it or not...
This was a truly mystical experience. At times it was great, but at most times it was absolutely horrific. This was an eye-opening revelation to the sinister part of me. A part that everybody has, but many refuse to accept it. I believe that by losing my mind and recapturing it, I have become more aware of the darkness inside me. I think knowing this part of my soul more closely will allow me to have better control over it. To think, all this started out of a bit of boredom and two pills.
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