Citation: RedDharthaLuce. "Lost My Mind: An Experience with Ketamine, MDMA (Ecstasy) & LSD (exp83593)". Erowid.org. Oct 28, 2010. erowid.org/exp/83593
||(powder / crystals)
Daniel and B, two good friends of mine, had invited me out for a fun friday night snorting ketamine and dancing when Daniel decided he had to go home to be with his family. B and I decided to drop two pills of ecstasy each and keep the party going. We sat and talked, did more K, and took it easy. Sometime early in the morning, maybe around 3 a.m. He jumps up and asks me if I want to take acid with him. The plan had been to wait until Sunday but the random idea sounded like fun to me. I had done acid twice before and thought it to be the most beautiful spiritual truth drug. Normally I would want to have a babysitter there but we were so high already the thought didn't even cross my mind.
We each took one drop of acid on the tongue and settled back for the excitement. I started tripping much faster and was feeling very elated, enjoying the visuals. About an hour after my trip had started he began to feel it as well and as the next two or three hours went by became completely mute. I assumed he was just feeling the trip and decided to entertain him; talking and telling stories. Finally a few words began to come out. “I'm a bad person... What am I gonna do?” I tried to tell him how much we all loved him, how meeting him had changed my life for the better but I could see he was going deeper and deeper into long kept regrets.
Our visuals had both quit so I suggested that we take more acid to get it back. I kept pestering him for it with a big smile on my face, convinced that more acid would make it all better. I thought that if we took a hot shower we would both feel as good as I did and I told him that we would come back and sit on the carpet and just “love each other”. The visuals may have quit but we were both still mentally tripping very hard from the acid. He brought it out and I put a drop in my mouth, one in his, then I repeated the process at least 4 times. He shook his head no; I for some reason was treating it like you could take as much as you want. I had it in my head that more hits would just make it better, longer, not more intense, not crazier.
We moved into the shower and my eyesight and mind began to flush away. Within maybe 3 minutes I was totally manic. He on the other hand was acting more comatose. Seeing him silent and standing there in the shower I started to get mad. I started thinking to myself, “He doesn't care about me! He doesn't want me to feel good!” So I ran out to the other shower and got in by myself. I was really losing sense of all reality by now and had to sit down as the shower walls were moving around me, things were changing shape and making less and less sense. The water was running cold even though neither of us had been in long. It's always been a horrible feeling to me to run out of hot water, especially after staying up all night and at that moment it felt to me as if it were the worst possible thing to be happening.
By now I was very angry and upset. The acid was making me more and more delusional though the colors were beautiful and my body felt amazing. I ran to the other room and started to yell at him, going back and forth saying things like, “You have no idea how good I feel right now! ...All I want to do is make love but you're so selfish you wouldn't even let me have hot water! I started believing that I was so close to complete enlightenment. I just wanted to be loved on so badly and he was ignoring me. I hated him for it and I screamed at him. I remember telling him to stop looking at me like he wanted me. He didn't deserve me, I said, while I began to cry. I screamed, “You've ruined me, now I have nothing. All I wanted was to feel good! You're selfish!” He just looked at me slow and confused, he didn't know how to make me happy. I told him it was too late. I wanted Daniel back. I ran out of the bathroom and he followed me. I told him to get me the coke but he wouldn't look for it. In his state, I believe he had forgotten how. It just made me believe all the more that he didn't care about me enough even to look around for what I wanted to feel good.
This is where my mind was completely lost. I ran into the kitchen and pulled out a butcher's knife and kept yelling at him, waving it around. Fear rushed into his eyes now to replace the sadness I had left with my hatred. I pulled the knife across my chest and began to threaten him with it as well. I don't remember cutting him leaving a gash from his nose to his bottom lip. I couldn't see the blood at first. I didn't even think it had cut me. I held the knife to his throat and screamed “Call Daniel, help me find the phone, get me the coke!” It's very blurry memories there but I do remember finally seeing the blood, looking down and it was streaming over my body. Looking at him and it was pulsating. I was screaming “I hate you!” I told him I had to kill him, no I had to kill myself, no he had to die, I had to die, no.. no one would have to die.. Then I saw the blood alive, flowing, breathing. The blood was linked to the stress and I saw the blood starting to push itself forcefully out of his body. His face swelled, I believed he was about to explode. The negative feelings were going to make him explode. I was screaming at him to be quiet now, he couldn't stop repeating “Oh no no no..”. I realized then that my hatred was going to kill him and I tried to force myself to say I loved him so that I could turn it around. I remember he wouldn't look me in the eyes. I needed him to look me in the eyes so that I could reverse it.
Then I turned and ran into the wall. The rest is lost to me. I woke up 2 days later, quiet and confused with a strange, metaphysical nightmare still lingering in my mind. Then I saw the bandages, the blood all over the apartment. Daniel tells me he had to shoot me up with two syringes full of ketamine to put me out. I don't know how long that nightmare went on before he showed up. They tell me I forced Brendon at knifepoint and forced us both to take 15 hits of acid.
This was only a week ago. It's so terrible I would never have thought it was real but then I look down and see these deep gashes. I'll have scars from this for life. I only hope Brendon's will heal completely. I'm racked with guilt. I wake up every night from strange nightmares and a paralyzing despair. I have no way of explaining how desperate and hideous this feeling is, lost in a delusion. It takes me about 10 minutes to realize it's not real. An hour to remind myself I can feel differently. This is the worst mental negativity I have ever known existed.
I don't know what else to say. I know I will heal eventually. It helps I know, that somehow neither of them blame me. I doubt they will ever trust me again though. This is horrible for me to think on but this acid experience is of such unexpected extremity, people need to know what can possibly happen. How it can go wrong. Acid is as hardcore as it gets. It has been the greatest thing I've ever experienced before and now the worst. I don't trust myself to ever do it again and that makes me very sad. Always understand, be prepared, keep a babysitter. I think a common folly I see is first timers falling in love with this drug and submitting to it all their trust. I thought it was god's breath. Maybe it is both god and devil. I only ask now after my terrible ordeal, please be careful, don't ever trust that you're safe with acid in the mix.
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