Citation: fox and rabbit. "Solidity in the Absolute: An Experience with Ibogaine (exp83861)". Erowid.org. Feb 10, 2011. erowid.org/exp/83861
In 2005 I had my right lower lung lobe cut out because of a tumor. Following that I got a staph infection that came close to killing me and kept me in the hospital and on a morphine drip and 15 mg of oxycodone instant release every four hours. I was in there for long over a month. When I was released the doctor said to take tylenol if it hurt anymore. I had no idea what withdrawal was. I wish I had known about ibogaine then.
When the withdrawal began to happen I called a friend who just happened to be a heroin addict, unknown to me. He brought me some dope and shot me up. From there I began a love affair with heroin that lasted 5 years. I moved to California where the drugs are cheaper and began my plummet into true addiction. I quit cold turkey 9 times but it never lasted long. Heroin's pull on me was just too strong. I even had a boyfriend who overdosed and died and I kept using. I met a girl who had a high obsession with medicinal arts and psychology and was going to school for it. She just happened to be an addict too. We became very close, trying to quit at the same time, enabling each other at the same time. It was healthy, beautiful, and unhealthy. This was all happening in about 2007-2008. The last time I quit cold turkey, she stopped talking to me for 3 months. Then she showed up one day and told me she had taken ibogaine.
Ibogaine... I had heard of it and spent many hours crying looking at the websites for the clinics, knowing that I could never afford that. But she has found a cheaper route with someone in California. She and I relapsed about the same time. I lasted 8 months, she lasted about 5. But she pulled herself back out and 'trained to become a provider' (I'm not going into details but it was not training through any provider that trained under a certain someone in Florida. There is a rogue provider movement starting, a very feminine-based way of providing that believes in not getting all cocky about 'oh look at me with the power of ibogaine providing, my ego is so big I've lost my compassion for my patients'). This movement is providing much much longer aftercare and counseling/therapy through the very sensitive and weak phase that comes post ibogaine. I can't imagine I could have handled my experience without that. I also met her prior patient who I am living with now as we are supporting each other to fix our bodies and lives. He also has helped me greatly. I was scared of the ibogaine itself even though my ecg was normal but I knew it was time to get clean. I started taking magnesium calcium and zinc a few days before and took ALOT of probiotics afterwards.
Now for the experience:
I have an inability to swallow pills because of trauma from my youth so we made a ginger tea/honey mixture to drink the ibogaine powder from. This worked well until the last few doses when it really tasted rough, although getting it down was easy and I didnt experience any nausea what-so-ever the entire 36 hours of my trip, nor afterwards. I weighed 110 lb. [Cumulative dose: 2875 mg]
-8pm 10 mg dose just eaten straight as powder, something tasted really good about it, even though I could tell it had a bite... This rediculously small dose was just for my peace of mind because I felt fearful. I should also say that the provider had two batches of medicine, one was supposed to be 80% but might have been as low as 40%.. (the other was 98%, pretty white crystals.) Unfortunately the ibogaine source didn't have 98% when she got the first batch and the source also didn't know the exact potency of it. The patient before me had used the first batch though so I felt safer with it and asked for it. I believe that is the reason for all the redosing but I didn't mind it at all.
-1100 pm 150 mg test dose. Start to feel warm and a pulling in my brain, like a slight tugging to come back to bed to a lover laying in wait.
-1145 pm 400 mg I was scared to take the full flood of what was supposed to be 600, decided to split it. It kicked in very quick because of drinking the powder.. As it did I felt a presence beckoning me in and at first I felt agitated and nervous. My loving provider eased me though and by her notes, about 30 seconds later I lay my head down and started having uncontrollable laughing fits. I remember moving my head side to side and how good it felt to move even though my body was so weighted down. Finally the deity who beckoned me in appeared before me as a man who was a mix between a tall African man, my dead ex boyfriend and my best friend who died when I was 6. My provider said I was talking out loud to him but she couldn't understand what I was saying. I believe we were talking about my path in life. I finally notice a buzzing getting louder and louder. I understand why people don't listen to music during this... Because if I listened very closely to the buzzing it was the chorus of the entire universe singing to me. Apparently I told my provider I didn't want to take anymore but I don't remember it.
-135 am 200 mg I started to kick and so went ahead and took more. The rest gets blurry so I will tell you the timeline of ingestion and then the experience since I'm not sure what happened when.
-605 am 360 mg
-920 am 300 mg I start to tell my provider that I think that my brain is being fried. She told me it was just being reset. I remember the feeling of the ibogaine cleaning my brain and it felt wonderful, though a bit intense.
-140 pm 400 mg
-245 pm 300 mg
-510 pm 220 mg I ask my provider who else is taking ibogaine right now because I have a very vivid memory of many people being there in the room and one taking ibogaine with me. There was no one else there. I truly believed the last patient she treated was beside me the whole time even though he was already thousands of miles away. I still don't remember being in the bed I was in when taking the first dose, I remember being in a room that doesn't exist in her house sitting in a chair with other people in a circle around me. The later doses I remember taking... But I only remember taking 5 total. Her records are definitely correct though.
I start to kick again but it actually feels good, the twitching in my legs feels like little shocks of ecstasy, I know its not right though and finally give in to taking the 98%. So these last two doses are the 98% (pretty white crystals, unlike the light brown color to the other stuff)
-930 pm 320 mg
-10 am 215 mg started kicking just slightly so took one more small dose.
Now, most importantly to me, the trip:
What I remember is not 36 hours of experience but rather I have a streamlined vision that starts at the very first flood and ends when I woke.
As the first flood kicks in and I get over the laughing fits that I had begun to have after following the deity into this alter reality. A huge thick metal plate pops into existence over my right shoulder. My eyes are shut and I am not aware that I am even capable of opening them. I reach out my left hand to feel my shoulder and there is indeed a huge metal plate like armor over it. Then popping into existence over and over again are these plates that begin to cover my body. They grow faster and faster and I am being crushed (though not uncomfortably at all) inside this giant geometric form of metal plates. I feel like on the outside it had elongated points on top and bottom and possibly 12 sides. I felt like I was in a reality resetting machine. It started to spin around me and strange spiral and geometric patterns appeared on the inside in colors of deep browns. Finally the pressure was so intense that I was crushed and my essence was dispersed into the universe. I shot up into outer space and had a clear view of the stars. Then I could feel my body again and it began to move through the universe. It kept speeding up and I was traveling through a myriad of colored stars, past planets, through nebulae and quasars.
As this was happening rivers of colors and patterns were trailing past me. They looked like a mix between a child's crayon drawing and cartoon swirls of colors. I began to move so fast it felt as if I had traveled across all of existence and the colors were moving so quickly and becoming so overbearing that everything finally just exploded into a giant white light. There was a feeling of absolute peace as I watched the explosion with little colors trailing off the edges. I am now standing in front of the white light looking into eternity, the solidity of the absolute. A being made of light steps forward from the light. He takes a swirling orange light that looks like a little pixie out of my right earlobe and puts it into my forehead. He calls me by my name and I know its time to wake up. I open my eyes (and strangely immediately remembering him calling me 'unicorn' not my real name).
I know there have to be gaps in this vision somewhere... I actually do remember other visions (like a giant grid matrix with poles and little tubes in between them with rings over each tube that I was moving around one by one like a small childs game) I just have no idea the order everything happened in. I even remember trying to open my eyes but they were too heavy and closed again immediately. When they closed again I regarded what I saw when they opened as a dream. This was reality. I had complete ego loss through almost the entire thing.
When I woke I had the distinct feeling that I could just close my eyes and go into the light and die. I feel absolutely certain that I could have. But I signed a contract with my provider saying I would not choose to die, and I kept remembering that. Otherwise I can't say what I would have done. It was the most beautiful peaceful absolute I have ever existed in. My head feels numb as this point. I feel emotionless but ecstatic and happy at the same time. I feel the cleanliness of my body. I can't feel the left side of the head and I believe at the time that ibogaine decided to shut down that side of my brain completely and that I can restart it or not, its all up to me. My provider explains to me that the numbness is normal and so I choose to restart it and suddenly waves of intense beauty from all around me just overwhelm me.
The reason I had to take so many doses is because I was too nervous to take the stronger stuff from the beginning. I am perfectly ok with this. This experience was more intense than dmt or 5-meo dmt, much more beautiful and much easier. There was no real fear ever, no darkness, just pure beauty. The recovery afterwards is a little tough, relearning to walk, relearning to type, relearning to use my cell phone, relearning to talk. But it was by far worth it. I am clean!....
I AM CLEAN! And I got to visit heaven. I can't wait to go back. I hope to do this again as soon as I pay off the 900$ I owe for the first treatment. It should cost a lot less for the second since I will be taking less and higher potency. (so much cheaper because the route I took of not going to a clinic.) Hail rogue U.S. providers, I'm planning on joining your ranks. I plan to do ibogaine as many times as I can in my life. I am in love with it.
3 days later took booster 250 mg of 98%, didn't notice much. Root bark boosters will be showing up today or Monday.
This was the most life changing, incredible experience of my life. I hope everyone that gets the chance to try this, for whatever reason, does. The world is so shiny and new now. Thank you ibogaine. Thank you my dear provider and friend.
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