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Respect Before Want
by YurfRendenmein
Citation:   YurfRendenmein. "Respect Before Want: An Experience with MDMA (exp83929)". Jan 30, 2018.

113 mg oral MDMA (pill / tablet)


This is my trip disaster that I feel I need to share because I know the interest in ecstasy is high among a lot of people, but this is my warning: use caution. The trip is about SET AND SETTING, as I have been told many times in the past. It can always go wrong, from my limited experience with MDMA.

The dosage was very low and this was my second time doing pure MDMA (my first time I took 150 mg in a gel cap, and it was fantastic). The pills were not bunk or bad or anything; my best friend had tested them a month earlier and found them to be just fine (and had a fantastic trip).

My story begins at 3:00 pm, when I speak to my friend and ask him if he has any E. He says yes, he has 75 mg pills and 150 mg caps. I said I would take 1.5 of the blue 75 mg pills, thinking 'this dosage is not that big, I can handle myself.' I tell my boyfriend, who gets in an argument with me because he does not support drug usage, and tells me that I should wait to use this drug. “Today is not your day,” he tells me, but he comes to pick me up anyways. We catch the bus and end up at my friend's house by 4:15.

The day was wrong. Something was wrong. I was anxious, I had been drunk and high on weed all week, and I was a general nervous wreck. It was raining, something that dampens my spirits heavily. However, I had 8 hours to be out versus having to be home in 5, so I decided 'okay, I will do it today.' It felt forced to me. I live at home with my parents and they do not know I use any drugs. Pupil size was a concern for me, and I figured that since I had a very strict curfew and had to be home by 11 pm that day (longer than my usual curfew at that time in my life), I had more time and less chance of getting caught with massive pupils.

I take the pills at 4:20 pm in my buddy’s bedroom, which is always a positive place for me since my last memory of it is Halloween night, the night we first did MDMA, and just as I swallow them, I realize: 'I DON'T HAVE ANY GUM.' My boyfriend and friend look at me and decide we will walk through the park to go to the corner store to go buy a pack of gum. The tension in my body is rising as we walk through the dark, dimly lit bushes and I can feel the effects of the initial tension/anxiety I get before I come up. Not a big deal, I think to myself as I hold onto my boyfriend. We buy the gum and head back to his house.

As we are walking back, my body is tensing and I am getting the onset slowly. My pupils are getting bigger, I notice as I step into his bathroom. Now my troubles begin. At 5:15, I am coming up and it is overwhelming as I was prepared for. Again, I calm myself down and say it will get better. My boyfriend and I are sitting on my friend's bed, and I get very cold. My friend closes the windows, turns the techno up and we listen to music in the dark room. He turns off a lamp and I freak. 'No, don't turn that off. Keep it on. I'm scared.' So he turns it back on. MDMA typically makes me very anxious, which is bizarre for a drug that is intended to induce happiness. Usually, I like to get settled in and experience the drug in one position. I cannot stand things moving or the setting changing. It disturbs me greatly.

I'm expecting this anxiety naturally, so I just hold onto my boyfriend and feel my body spin with general confusion and disarray. My boyfriend asks my friend for food. They must go upstairs to the kitchen but I am not allowed to come because my friend's little brother who is about 14 is up there and if he notices I'm talking a lot and my pupils are insane, he will tell his parents. They leave me in the dark bedroom, music still turned up. I'm just thinking, relaxing, listening.

Then -- 'MY PUPILS ARE BIG' is the thought that shoots into my head. 'They are big and I am going home in 8 hours and my parents will find out. They will find out. What do I do?' I am thinking myself into a loop, anxiety is spiralling through the roof. I'm sitting in his bedroom with a shirt, sweater and leather jacket on. 'Where the hell are they?' It feels like hours. The time is now 6:05. It was only about ten minutes but I felt like it had been at least half an hour. 'My pupils are big. They're so big. My parents will know. I'm dead. What do I do?' it keeps running through my head. The music starts scaring me. The drug was taking effect heavily. I did feel happy, but mostly all I felt was happiness mixed with tension. The tension was mental and physical. MDMA makes me spiral into thought-loops.
I did feel happy, but mostly all I felt was happiness mixed with tension. The tension was mental and physical. MDMA makes me spiral into thought-loops.

I run upstairs and avoid looking the brother in the eyes. 'What's taking so long?' They're making noodles. They head downstairs into the bedroom again with me and we sit. I'm sweating but I'm cold. Things settle; I talk the idea that my parents are going to find out through with them. They tell me I'm absurd, just to go home later and go to bed. I calm down, we listen to chill music, and I peak. The peak is like orgasm; all the stress fades away. I'm stroking my boyfriend's hair, kissing him, joking, talking, and being honest and open. It's great.

Then -- 'My pupils are big,' I say and they tell me to relax. It's 7:30 by now. Boyfriend and I get dressed and head to his house. On the way, I'm panicking, talking in circles, worrying, not being able to relax. The tension is growing. We reach his house some twenty minutes later and lay in his bedroom. I've calmed down enough by now.

And of course, another disaster hits me. My best friend texts me and argues with me over some trivial matter. She is very, very upset with me. I start to panic again. To calm down, I tell my boyfriend I want to have sex. I consented to this prior to dosing and he agrees. We have sex and I can't come but it's nice anyways. It probably lasted a few minutes but it felt like hours, years...

Then it all goes downhill again, and I start to panic. We're lying on his bed now, and the only thought that comes through my head is that I want to kill myself. It's clear as day. I'm anxious and a wreck. I'm looking at things on the floor and they're moving, warping, giving off general feelings of upset and confusion. I usually do not hallucinate until the MDMA wears off and becomes MDA, but my eyes were playing tricks on me.

He takes me home at 11, and my pupils have somewhat normalized. I sit in my dark bedroom and hope my parents don't notice the size of them. At midnight, I am exhausted and try to sleep. I hallucinate angry men, bugs on my bed, but they are weak hallucinations. I pass out at 1 am, wake up at 3:45 am (at least I think, I may have dreamt this) and wake up at 5:08 am exactly with crippling hunger. I eat something small, go back to bed, get out of bed at 11 am feeling like I stepped out of someone else's bed, not my own. I feel uneasy, sick, unhappy, and miserable. The hangover is brutal, made even more worse because the day was Sunday and the following day I had school and a massive project I had not yet started on due.

I have learned a lot from MDMA, but mostly a sense of respect. I now know that even though I did not expect to have a horrible roll filled with fear and anxiety, it is very possible. I hope my story helps a few people realize that substances must be respected to be enjoyed.

Exp Year: 2009ExpID: 83929
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: 18 
Published: Jan 30, 2018Views: 862
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MDMA (3) : Difficult Experiences (5), Hangover / Days After (46), General (1), Small Group (2-9) (17)

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