Citation: twoheadedboy. "I Have Borderline Personality Disorder: An Experience with MDMA (exp84081)". Erowid.org. Nov 10, 2017. erowid.org/exp/84081
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I think my experience is much more relevant in light of some background information about my partner and I, so I will try to briefly summarize what kind of situation we're in before I get started.
I have borderline personality disorder. I am fairly high functioning with it and probably have a bit more insight (largely due to the past few months of therapy I've started) than some folks who are dealing with this. However I find it very difficult a lot of the time. I have very extreme mood swings, usually extremes of rage and hopelessness, triggered by almost nothing. As a general rule, I feel very unstable and detached from myself. I also have some psychotic features but they're usually quite mild, namely dissociation and occasional derealization.
My partner, E, is extraordinarily supportive and understanding, and I feel very lucky to have such a person in my life. Although he and I are young, 22 and 20 respectively, we have a very stable and mutually understanding relationship. That is not so say it's without difficulties, as I am spectacularly good at making things difficult, but underneath everything there is a secure, trusting base that is immensely helpful for me. I think the nature of our relationship is pretty relevant to our experience on MDMA, which is why I'm including it.
E doesn't use much of anything frequently and had never tried MDMA. Occasionally he smokes some marijuana with me. I'm a pretty frequent marijuana user, anywhere from 2-6 times a week, and I have some more limited experience with psilocybin, salvia, codeine, oxycodone, dextroamphetamine, and ecstasy. This was my first experience with pure MDMA. I tend to be extremely sensitive to pretty much everything I try, and I get much more intoxicated, much more quickly than other people. My experiences also tend not to last as long.
Neither of us paid any attention to time during this experience so I'm not 100% sure on these times but I think they're pretty accurate. E took ~125mg, and about 15 minutes later I took ~100mg, in the hopes that we'd come up around the same time. As per usual, I came up first. The comeup was quite intense and not entirely pleasant, but very much bearable.
The first sign I noticed was a strange feeling to my eyes, accompanied by a headache. We were playing cards while I waited, and it became very difficult to focus visually. My eyes felt too big for my head and darted around, apparently of their own volition. Soon I started to feel nauseous, clammy and restless. Focusing on playing cards, mentally and visually, became near impossible. I very much wanted to talk to E and reassure him that the comeup was a little rough, but that it would be entirely worth it, because I wanted him to be as comfortable as possible. However he and I are very different people, and he is happiest when he can experience things for himself without any expectations, which he expressed. I did my best to chill and let him do his own thing. I appreciated that he told me what he wanted, as he isn't always comfortable doing that. Chilling, of course, was not entirely easy because I was feeling extremely speedy toward the end of the comeup, which made me want to talk extensively, and also starting to feel very interpersonal due to the MDMA.
Soon my comeup leveled out somewhat. I still felt speedy, which lasted for maybe the first 15 minutes, but all the physically uncomfortable aspects quickly melted away, probably about 15 minutes after I first noticed them. I was very excited and couldn't stop smiling and laughing and telling E that it was really good. He mentioned feeling sick, and that was all that he really said about his comeup. He went to the washroom, and I got up too. I gave him a really big hug, and he hugged me back, and he mentioned feeling extremely sexual. I should add that, largely as a part of my mental health issues, I'm not usually comfortable being touched and almost never want sex. E is okay with this but I know it's not always easy for him. He was making himself uncomfortable with how sexual he was feeling, given that I didn't feel the same way, and I was feeling guilty as a result. I think that was making both of us anxious, as it does.
We moved into the kitchen and E started to talk about how he was feeling. He seemed a little uncomfortable, but as he talked he became more and more relaxed. He said that he never felt speedy, only slow and warm and focused. I sat down on his lap and for I guess 45 minutes we had a really open, loving conversation. With both of us feeling so safe, and my mood swings eliminated, we were able to talk very candidly about our relationship in a way that isn't always possible.
With both of us feeling so safe, and my mood swings eliminated, we were able to talk very candidly about our relationship in a way that isn't always possible.
We do usually have quite good communication but of course it's scary for E to tell me some things, knowing that I could blow up at essentially nothing. I felt very secure and loving, and really just felt a profound sense of good. Some things that he told me were a little hard to hear, but I was also very happy and appreciative that he felt safe enough to tell me. We both felt deeply open and secure and trusting.
It was nice to me that I was able to feel scared, because I took that as a sign of being deeply attuned to myself. I find that MDMA doesn't make me any different that what I am underneath all the mood difficulties. Losing your sense of self is part of being borderline, and MDMA sort of stripped away most of my symptoms and allowed me to be more in touch with myself. For his part, E felt safer knowing that he could talk openly with me, and that I would be able to hear everything he had to say in ways I'm not always capable of. We agreed that what we were experiencing and discussing was very much real - MDMA didn't add anything, it only took away the anxiety we both have and brought us back into ourselves.
Later we moved into our bedroom, because it seemed like the thing to do. I began to wonder if I was coming down. We got into bed naked, and it was perfectly okay with both of us not to have sex. We cuddled (like I'm not normally into doing), and both found a profound sense of security in holding each other, feeling each other's warmth, and being able to say whatever needed to be said.
About two hours after I took my first dose, It occurred to me that I was very nearly down. I decided to take the 25mg I had set aside, knowing that a full capsule would probably be too much for me. I didn't realize how fast the comedown would be, and thought I could prolong my experience. What ended up happening was that I came down entirely and then very quickly came up (although nowhere near as up as I had been) again. I experienced this as moderate anxiety and discomfort, both physical and mental. E pointed out that I seemed less comfortable, and reassured me that we didn't have to discuss anything that was difficult for me. Hearing that was extremely helpful, as I tend to worry very much about how he is feeling, and that I am making him uncomfortable. He was getting toward the end of his experience.
Of course, I didn't feel anywhere near as much with the second dose as I had with the first. I felt secure, and comfortable. In fact, mostly what I felt was the way I feel on good days (or good hours), and also the way I felt before my illness really manifested itself. While I know that it was because of the drug, it was very reassuring to feel it, because it reminded me that I do in fact feel quite 'normal' sometimes. For the next hour or so we held each other, and talked when it seemed right. E came down around the same time that I came totally down. The comedown was a little bit anxious because it was such a rapid change, but overall very comfortable. As I would later realize, the after effects were definitely present and very positive.
Sometime around this point I realized my blood sugar was probably pretty low. I didn't feel like eating, but after smoking a bowl it seemed like a better idea. As I've read elsewhere, marijuana is extremely pleasant after MDMA. I was smoking a pretty heavy indica strain, but instead of feeling heavy and stoned I felt calm, secure and extremely comfortable physically. I didn't exactly feel talkative, but talking was very pleasant and my speech wasn't slowed the way it normally is when I'm stoned. Putting on comfortable pajamas and a hoodie felt incredible. Melon and apples tasted divine. E and I hung out in the kitchen and on our couch, talking comfortably and very much enjoying each other's company. We both felt very natural and comfortable.
About an hour afterward, we decided to go to bed. I smoked another bowl because I felt I wouldn't be able to sleep otherwise. Our bed felt amazing. I wouldn't say I slept deeply, and I did wake up pretty often, but sleeping was very enjoyable and I felt refreshed when I woke up 7 hours later, which is unusual for me.
I am writing this the day after, and we both feel very nice, I am assuming because our doses weren't too heavy and neither of us has done it often. My mood is stable and I feel very calm and safe. We have been talking much more than usual, and we are very secure with each other.
We both feel that this experience has been pretty illuminating. E benefited immensely from being free of his usual anxiety, and also knowing that I was feeling secure and able to talk openly. For my part, I found it extremely reassuring to get in touch with that part of myself, and to be reminded that I haven't always felt this way and that I will be okay again. I also know that I won't always feel secure, and that pretty soon I'm going to be feeling extremely unhappy. However I feel maybe just a bit more confident in my ability to get through it. I feel refreshed. I am hopeful. I have strong and secure love in my life, I am being treated for my problems, and MDMA has helped me to remember that one day, I will be healthy.
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