Citation: Jet. "The Cure: An Experience with MDMA & GHB (exp84196)". Erowid.org. Jun 16, 2011. erowid.org/exp/84196
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I am a twenty-four years old male. Nothing special about me, except for me being a gifted musician. I can play many instruments, be it piano, a synthesizer, an electric or classic guitar, a bass guitar, or drums. This is how I make my living, being a one-man band. I received an education from one great teacher. He taught me everything about music, and my talent in making music compensated for the lack of labor I've been putting into it.
I had a good life. I had good parents, I had a dedicated, beautiful girlfriend, lots of money, a nice car, and more. I've had no experience with drugs that barred alcohol, nicotine and caffeine — felt no need for that. I was high on life.
I was twenty-two years old.
All at once, it collapsed when my mother died.
She had asthma, a bad case of it. I did everything to help her, until one day she slipped into coma and died in a matter of hours.
My father couldn't take that blow and died of heart attack in his sleep a week later.
Since that time, my life steadily went downhill. Nothing could alleviate my suffering. I tried everything: living an active social life while wearing a mask of happiness, lots of sex with my girl, wild parties, clubbing, heavy drinking — everything there was.
I became pitiful.
My girlfriend left me too, at that point.
I've lost my inspiration.
Music disgusted me.
I tried psychotherapy. It worked a bit... but just a bit.
I visited a psychiatrist, who, in addition to psychotherapy, prescribed me SNRIs. That actually made me feel worse. A course of Amitriptyline had been lifting my mood for 4 months, but it was leaving me weak and powerless every morning. When my doc added Sulpiride, it went even worse. I became more and more depressed. I've been waking in tears every morning, wondering why am I still alive. When I switched to Venlafaxine, suicidal thoughts became more and more appealing.
That's when I gradually stopped taking the meds.
I returned to baseline condition: severe grief and depression, but no tears in the morning.
A good friend of mine asked me if he could be of any help. I thought for a moment... and said, 'yeah buddy, find me a good chemist who is not afraid of preparing shady concoctions that... tinker with your subconscious'.
So my friend did exactly that.
I visited the chemist guy, shook hands with him and asked if he could make me something I've been in need of. When he asked what I needed, I told him, 'make me something that can ease the pain in my soul'.
He replied, 'well, there are many things that can ease, but the two of them, together, might kill it all together. Worked very well for me, although it might not be the same for you'.
Done. I've told him, yes, that's what I need.
He explained to me the effects of both substances I was about to ingest. One was MDMA, the other was GHB. I thought it couldn't get any worse, so I paid his fee and left, to come back soon. I never regretted the decision I've made that day.
After two weeks, I came back for 150mg of MDMA crystals and 20g of powdered GHB. I was then instructed how to use those. It was Friday night, 9 PM. I had prepared myself 100ml of GHB solution, 4 liters of cooled mineral water and some orange juice.
I rolled a weighed amount of MDMA powder (75mg) in a small piece of paper, then I swallowed it, on an empty stomach.
I started to feel a tingling sensation at the back of my head, somewhere inside the brain. I started a CD of instrumental rock collection, sat back on a sofa and relaxed.
I started to feel slightly nauseous, something I'm familiar with because of my past use of antidepressants. 'Must be the serotonin release', I thought. My palms were sweaty, and the lights seemed to be too bright for me. I turned them off.
A wave of heat crashed through my body. I started experiencing a very powerful mood lift. There was a band, 'Liquid Tension Experiment', I remembered. I switched to the first track of theirs.
I have one word to describe my current feelings: “Wow.” Euphoria was coming right up, and nothing could stop it! I feel dry in my throat, so I drink some water.
Half an hour ago, I thought it felt incredible. That 'wow' was nothing compared to what I am feeling at the moment. Another wave of heat crashed through me. Then, a powerful hand lifted my spirit and launched it all the way up. I feel like I have a rocket engine tied to me, which is pulling, hauling, dragging me up from the swamp of grief and sorrow. I remembered that this is the time to ingest the second half of MDMA dose, which I do.
Holy fucking shit! I feel burning up, and it actually feels great! I am now definitely feeling what they call a high. For some reason, I know that this isn't the limit to the euphoria, and I switch to my favorite track, 'Acid Rain'. I drink some more water, then some orange juice.
Anything and everything I cast my eyes upon is beautiful, hauntingly so. I realized that I've never felt so good in my whole life. I experience something like whole-body orgasm. I feel ecstatic. Colors are livid and bright, and the guitar solo from the track, 'Paradigm Shift', is stunning. I get up and hurry for my electric guitar.
I plug it in, restart the soundtrack, and start accompanying John Petrucci, the lead guitarist.
I drink 5ml of GHB. Salty and oily, but pleasantly good.
I stop the music and play on my own, some blues tune that has just come into my head.
I am soaring in the skies. I feel at ease (at last), everyone is forgiven (let the God decide who's right and who's wrong), and the world is fine. Just fine. I am so immersed in my improvisation that I almost fail to realize that the pain in my soul, the grief for my parents, the suffering I've had been through is — finally!!! — gone.
I drink 5ml more of GHB. There is no rush, no giddiness, just pure bliss. I sit down on the sofa, stare at the painting and find it glowing. I started wondering, 'why did they make MDMA and GHB illegal in the first place?', to find an answer in myself. “They want you hooked on meds which are mostly ineffective, my friend”, I say aloud to myself. I turn the music back on.
The ecstasy is definitely backing down, and I drink some water mixed with juice this time. I am just sitting there, digging in my own mind, analyzing my past mistakes, promises made and promises I have failed.
I decide to go to sleep, and I drink 10ml more of GHB.
I am finally able to forgive myself for all my wrongdoings.
I fall asleep with a sense of well-being and happiness.
I awake, feeling no afterglow.
I am totally sober, and I feel reinvigorated. There is no more pain in my heart.
Overall, this was a life-changing experience for me. It's been 2 months past the trip, and I haven't ingested either MDMA or GHB ever since.
Every single day I feel fine. I've restored that which I thought was shattered forever — my psyche. No doctor would be able to cure me but myself. MDMA, in my opinion, has saved my life. Even if my parents are gone, I have moved on, and I feel no more grief, or sorrow, or regret.
And even if the depression returns, I know what I'm going to do.
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