Citation: Liquid Messiah. "I Overcame Depression: An Experience with MDMA (exp8424)". Erowid.org. Jul 29, 2001. erowid.org/exp/8424
||(pill / tablet)
Hello I am writing this report because I feel the need to share it with others who may be going through the same experience I used to live with day by day.
I'll start by giving a little background info on myself. I was 15 at this time and almost 17 now. I had been depressed for 5 years to this day and attempted suicide on numerous occasions. I listened to depressive music and lived in an anti-social world. In school I had 1 friend who I talked to and never talked to anyone else. I never did anything w/ anyone and basically stayed home all the time. I've tried Paxil, Wellbutrin, Zoloft and prozac and also many over-the-counter drugs for anti-depression, to no avail. At this point I was a heavy drug user and had no concern whatsoever for my life or anyone else for that matter.
It all started one night when I paged my dealer to acquire some marijuana when he told me that he had some Ferrari MDMA pills that were EZ-Tested and turned black instantly, meaning an [assumed] pure pill of mdma/mde/or mda. I had been wanting to try E for a long time now so I jumped at the chance to get some. I purchased 3 pills and my dealer assured me they were quote 'Bomb as fuck'. Please excuse the language but I wanted to capture the potency of the pills in words. After receiving my first pills I went home to my house were I examined them. They were off-white with multi-colored specks in them, and a Ferrari logo imprinted on one side with a divider line on the backside.
I was planning to take a half of one when I went to stay over my mom's on the weekend [it was Wednesday]. When Friday came I got my things ready and rode my bike to my moms apartment, which was about 4 miles away. When I got there I said hi and talked to my mom for awhile then decided to go out to the parking lot to practice my flatland bike skills, which I do to take my mind off feeling shitty from depression. Before I knew it, it was 11:00pm so I decided to take my half pill
T:00min. Not wanting to go back in yet I built up some spit in my mouth and swallowed a quarter at a time. The taste was awful, it was as if someone put a crushed up asprin soaked in concentrated lemon juice into my mouth, very bitter and with a nasty chemical taste. After 'painfully' swallowing the 2 quarters I biked for about another 15min and decided to go in to watch some TV.
When I went in my mom was just getting ready for bed and I thought I timed taking the pill perfectly. After watching some retarded episode of South park [aren't they all retarded?]
T:45min I noticed that I had a small grin on my face, which I never have. I also felt strange warmth flowing from my chest out towards my legs and arms.
T:50min I felt the warmth growing now accompanied by a buzzing sensation in my whole body similar to a few lines of speed w/o the tweaked out feeling, this was more of a relaxed buzzing.
T:60min I was full blown rolling, I had a huge smile on my face, an intense body buzz, and my mind was creating positive thoughts by the minute.
I went out to the lobby to smoke a cigarette with this stupid looking smile on my face and sat on a bench. It was around 12:00pm now and the apartment was dead. There wasn?t anyone in the lobby so I started to smoke my cigarette. The first hit I took tasted incredible. So much flavor and the menthol was making my mouth, throat, and lungs cool like I was smoking a cigg of eucalyptus leaves. I was loving every second on my first E roll. I was about half done with my cigarette and listing to the 'elevator' music being played softly when someone came in through the front door. They saw me and said hello since the people in the apartment are generally friendly. I responded with a warm smile and an energetic Hey! How are you doing! I don't think ive ever acknowledged someone with so much enthusiasm before.
T:1h15m I decided to go outside. The night air was cool and still but while walking the air flowing by me made each one of my exposed hairs tingle. If felt as if there were thousands of microscopic people message my body. I walked into one of the fields [the appt.was in the shape of a + with grass fields leading to woods surrounding 3 sides] and saw 2 rabbits in the field. Normally I would have picked up the nearest object and attempted to knock one out but instead I smiled as I watched the hopping around. Just watching an admire ring there free sprits. After they hopped into the woods I went and sat in the field. The night was around 70degF and there was no wind. I lit up another cigarette and I noticed each blade of grass twitching even though there wasn?t even a slight breeze [the smoke off my cigg went straight up to prove this]. I finished my cigg and went back inside. Normally I would be sneaky as to not wake up my mom getting back in but this time I opened up the door normally and sat on the couch.
T:2H I was just sitting on the couch staring at the TV [not watching what was on it] feeling this undescrible feeling in my body. I was warm but cool, I was tweaked but relaxed, I was tired yet wired. It was a very strange buzz and hard to describe. I then noticed my mom's bible [I used to go to church and daydream the whole time and felt that God has abandoned me since I was so unhappy all the time and basically rejected God and religion in general] so I went and got it. While I was holding it I began to think back to when I was a believer. I opened up the bible and read the first page. I was then overcome by this intense feeling of acceptance and well-being as if God himself was pouring pure clean intense love directly into my soul. It was indescrible how good I felt to know that God was still there for me even though I turned against him in the past. I put down the bible and just sat on the couch for another 2 hrs switching between going for smoke breaks and petting my mom's cat and staring at the TV. I finally drifted off to sleep.
Upon waking up I felt very refreshed and mentally and physically rested. I also felt a feeling I've never felt before. Love. I felt like going and telling everyone I can find about the joys of just being alive. I was more talkative then ive ever been and was in a good mood for the first time in years.
That night I learned many things about my life and myself. I gained insight as to why ive been in a state of depression, and I accepted the fact and convinced myself to overcome depression through God and MDMA. I went on the Internet to this page and learned how to conduct self-therapy through the use of mind-altering substances. I rolled 6 times over the next month from the 3 pills I originally had using half a pill at a time. By the sixth roll I was a new person. I was open to others more then I've ever been, more talkative, closer to my religion than ever, and in an all around positive mood all the time.
Its now 1 year and 3 months since that night and I've been diagnosed free of depression. My grades came way up, I've made many new friends, and enjoy every day I get to live. My parents are in awe and they are wondering how I overcame depression w/o prescription meds [:) that will be my little secret]. Also even though I was using meds, I wasn't using them for 1 month before my roll I just simply gave up meds since I saw no results. I've stopped using the many drugs I used to and only drink sometimes and roll about every 2-3 months.
Thanks for taking the time to read my story about my overcoming of depression through the use of MDMA.
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