Citation: Tyedyebandana. "Love, Energy, Acceptance, and Hangover: An Experience with MDMA (ecstasy), Alcohol, Cannabis & Melatonin (exp84964)". Erowid.org. Jul 26, 2010. erowid.org/exp/84964
Though I remain in a state of recovery, I cannot seem to fight the urge to share my first experience with MDMA this past weekend. Though the high has long worn off, an urge to connect with others who share a newfound love for MDMA sticks with me.
I was already blessed in that I had the opportunity to see a favorite band of mine live with a few friends. For those who are not familiar with the band, I will try my best to clarify - their songs are the electronic, trippy, fifteen minute type, that truly reach their full potential only in a live setting, enjoyed most by those who want nothing more than to dance, hear some great music, and have a good time. The venue was medium sized, well-packed with a majority of twenty-something hipster-type music lovers. The speakers blasted through the cement floors, as the blinding flashes from the seemingly never-resting neon lights bloomed from every corner.
Upon arrival, it was clear that a majority of attendees chose to attend the party well-toasted, so to speak. Ignorantly unaware that I would soon gain access to substances far more valuable, I downed two fairly strong vodka cocktails, split a beer with a friend, and smoked a joint or two of fairly high quality marijuana. At this point it should be noted that I had hardly eaten throughout the day, lost quite a bit of weight within the previous week, and am a fairly small person to begin with. Not to mention that regardless I have always been a bit of a lightweight, and though I had heavily experimented with alcohol, marijuana, nitrous oxide, oxycodone, and (foolishly) various other prescription pills, I had never had an opportunity to try any other mind-altering substances. This is not to say that I had not thoroughly researched the matter, as I have always held a brooding interest in psychedelics and their expansion of the human mind.
It was about two hours in that a young man whom we had briefly chatted with earlier asked if we would like to buy some Molly. I jumped on the offer, piecing together enough cash to buy a half-gram. Each of my four close friends whom I was with took a pinky dip from the small plastic bag, stamped with red smiley-faces on both sides. The substance itself was a relatively fine pinkish white or very light pink powder (though it could have been white and appeared pink from the lights). I do not recall there being any crystals (though, being in the state I was, a few details may have escaped my mind). This caused me to briefly question the quality of the substance, for I have been told the purest Molly is a white or yellowish-brown powder with small crystal-like shards. It did, however, have the infamous bitter taste I have heard much about, so I figured it must have been a crushed E tablet and took one or two pinky dips myself.
Though the most prominent effects of the marijuana seemed to have worn off, my sense of passing time remained completely out-of-whack. What had, in reality, been about five minutes since my first dose, seemed like hours, and, convinced in a drunken state of excitement that I had not taken enough, downed the rest of the bag. Although I’m not completely sure what my total dose was, I feel as if I can take an educated guess in that it was a bit much for my first time. My only regret of the evening was that I was not sober upon taking the Molly, not only because I most likely would have made a wiser decision about my dosage, but so that I could have felt some of the smaller effects of onset that I may have overlooked in the midst of it all. This is not to say, however, that I had a bad experience in any way.
I noticed a few initial effects at approximately 20 minutes. The lead guitarist had just broken into an energetic solo that drove the crowd wild. The high-pitched screams of the guitar suddenly attained an unearthly mutated deepness, almost as if we were underwater. Every note blasted into my feet and blossomed throughout my entire body, evaporating like smoke above my head as it left me with a tingling sensation that tickled from head to toe. Briefly I detached myself from the most amazing music I had ever been blessed enough to hear to look around the room. Though I stood in a mob of complete strangers, every face glowed its own aura of odd familiarity, as if we had established a type of speechless friendship through music, dance, and community.
I looked to the ceiling – though physically it remained exactly the same, for some indescribable reason it was completely different than it had been just moments ago. The crowd moved together, like the ocean, igniting inside me a burst of energy I had never felt before, almost as if coming up on a high dose of Adderall, but different in that it was directed in no specific direction – this energy exploded from my every pore. Not much of a dancer, I lost every trace of awkward constriction and let loose, sporadically moving faster and faster as the music pumped throughout my body. I broke into several giggly dance-offs with strangers around me, as well as a playful wrestle with one of my good friends as I realized how lucky I was to be around people who could enjoy life by throwing all ego aside and taking every opportunity to enjoy being ridiculous.
The band took a quick intermission, allowing us to take a quick break for water. Walking, though I was far from tired, became a bit of a chore, and I remember wishing to myself that I could just dance from place to place. By the time we made it back to our spot, the band had come on again. The lights dimmed and the spotlights came up as they broke into one of my favorite songs. I threw my hands to the air in cheer as my phone slipped from my sweaty palm. I looked down.
I believe this is about when I hit my peak, as well as the realization that I had taken far too high a dose. I tucked my chin in to look downward, sending myself into shock as I felt my head spin a full 360. When I was able to regain and focus my vision I realized that my feet were miles further away then they were before. My heartbeat became so strong that it threw me off balance. I steadied myself by placing my hands on my knees and looking away from the lights for a bit. Every breath was so loud and strong that the process of breathing alone began to exhaust me, as the energy exploding from within fought the urge to stand still. The body high I was experiencing was of such strength that I became sure that at some point that night, I would most likely die. Surely this sensation was the ultimate goal in life, and now that it had been reached, life had no reason to let me go on. However, my seemingly guaranteed death caused me hardly any worry – my only concern was that my mother would be embarrassed of my poor decision making.
I located my seemingly intact phone and found that a friend of mine whom I was to meet up with the concert wouldn’t be able to make it because he had gotten into some trouble on the way up. Again, I assured myself that I, too, would get in trouble if I didn’t end up dying. This too caused me little to no concern, as I decided I loved my parents and had nothing to hide from them. Some people say E makes them happy – I was happy, no doubt, but more than that I was carefree; the smile I was physically unable to wipe off my face came from the happiness derived from being completely, one hundred percent care-free. I was confident in that no matter what happened, everything would remain the same. My pounding heartbeat, burning forehead, and irregular breathing ceased to concern me whatsoever.
I stuffed my phone in my bag and continued to dance until I received a text from our designated driver asking that I come outside. My friends and I regrouped and made our way out. I profusely apologized to each person I bumped into, not because I felt guilty, but because I loved them and wanted nothing more than for them to have a good time. Eventually we reached the car. At this point it had been about two hours since we had taken the Molly. Most of my friends seemed to be at the end of a steady plateau, with one or two having just started to come down. I wondered if such a fate was soon to be mine. I lay down in the back seat and enjoyed the soft music over the radio, as I enjoyed the air conditioning that felt nothing short of heavenly as it dried the sweat on my burning skin.
It wasn’t until we arrived to the empty apartment that I realized how hard I was rolling. Suffering from a severe case of dry-mouth, I downed an entire bottle of ginger-ale and took two melatonin in hopes of falling asleep. The same amount of melatonin (an over-the-counter sleeping aid) that usually knocks me out in a matter of minutes had no effect on me whatsoever. I lay in bed clenching my jaw and running my feet over the wall, much to the dismay of our DD with whom I shared a bedroom. I apologized and ran downstairs, where I lay on the cold tile floor with the Ipod speakers on full blast pressed directly to my ear, continuing to drink in hopes of curing my dry-mouth. The sensation that shook my entire body was one of energy and weakness, almost as if I had eaten nothing all day and taken a few caffeine pills.
I found a friend of mine who was still rolling a bit in the living room. I paced across the room as we discussed what an amazing night we had experienced, and how everyone at the venue felt like a part of our family that we would never forget. Several times I attempted to fall asleep, able only to lie still for ten minutes at best. At about 5:30 AM I was able to doze into what seemed like a half-sleep for about an hour. I awoke drenched in a clammy sweat. My throat was nearly swollen shut. Sores lined the inside of my cheeks, lips, and tongue. I suffered from a mild headache and moderate congestion, feeling completely drained, as if every cell in my body was hanging onto life my thread.
I slept throughout most of the day. Though surprisingly I felt no signs of nausea, my congestion worsened throughout the day, and I sparked a mild fever. The next morning I woke to a whole new level of cold and fever symptoms, as well as an aching jaw and neck. I was so emotionally drained that later that day, when trying to open a box of batter, my arms were so weak I found myself physically unable. This left me feeling so hopeless that I briefly burst into tears on the kitchen floor.
As each day continues I feel myself healing with every passing hour. Though the hangover has been unpleasant, I am eager to repeat this experience in a more responsible manner. MDMA opened my mind to a whole new mindset of acceptance and community that I never imagined possible, something that I believe will never wear off.
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