Citation: Special K. "Darkness and Pain: An Experience with LSD (exp86160)". Erowid.org. Sep 7, 2022. erowid.org/exp/86160
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I have been dying to try LSD for as long as I could remember. I've smoked Pot for years, I've done Salvia Divinorum, and I've done Molly once. I that felt I was prepared to embark on the 'mystical journey' that I had researched on for hours on end. I had everything planned in my head.
I decided to do it with my friend, who I’ll call G. We both met up with my MDMA connect that also dealt LSD. We bought 5 1cm-2 tabs. I was confused, since I ordered and paid for 10 tabs. He told me that these tabs needed to be cut in 2, and that they were twice as potent because they were “double dipped”. I thought it was all gimmicky bull and I carried the mindset that I had just been ripped off, but I decided to keep that to myself. I told him it was our first time, and he warned us to be careful, and to start out with 1/2 tab, and do 1 max, since it was our first time and all. “It’s better to do too little than too much”.
+10:30pm – G, his brother, X, and I departed from their house in order to go to an empty field around 40 minutes away. X was to be our sitter if anything went wrong, even though he had strong anti drug beliefs. I took 1 whole tab out of the 5 we had and my friend took 1/2. He was determined to stay on that 1/2, for fear of a bad trip.
+10:50pm – I noticed subtle changes in my perception. Was it all just a placebo? Colors were becoming more lush and vibrant. I started to feel a warm, tingling sensation spreading from my belly. It could have just been a sort of cramp, for I ate dinner before we left the house, and we have been walking for 20 minutes. I kept thinking that it was a placebo, but fuck it, it was a good one.
+11:00pm – My philosophy regarding substances was that if one’s going to take a substance, one might as well go all the way. I took 2 pills of MDMA my first time and I was rapturously overjoyed that I didn’t take the recommended ½ pill for “first timers”. I thought I could handle it. The sensations that I was getting from the LSD, I thought were all just placebos, so I decided to do more. I ate 1 ½ tabs. G reacted violently. He vehemently berated me for “taking his half”. I told him that I thought he said that he was determined to only take ½. He said that he had changed his mind, and proceeded to insult me. My emotions instantly spiraled downwards. We still had 2 tabs left so I didn’t know what the big deal was. I teared up and felt depressed, which was extremely weird. G tried to console me. I still felt depressed. He took 1 tab.
+11:20pm – As we were walking up the block to the entrance of the open field, we were within the full beam of glaring headlights from a parked car. Those lights were the brightest things I’ve seen in my life. To me they were brighter than the sun, and the lights flushed and warmed my skin despite being so far away. It also elevated my mood a little.
+11:30pm - G and I walked to the center of the field and laid down on the grass while X wandered off to take a walk. After talking for a bit, we decided to get out our mp3 players and listen to some music. Unlike pot, which makes music have a lot more depth for me, and MDMA, which makes music infinitely more beautiful, music was extremely annoying. I got up and went to urinate behind the bushes at the edge of the field. Walking proved to be a little more challenging, but I could manage. I walked back to the center of the field, but G was already gone. He was at the opposite end of the field. I repeatedly called out to him but he ignored me. This became extremely annoying. The warm tingly feeling that had persisted within me from the onset intensified and became an emotion. This new emotion was anxiety with a tinge of fear.
[At this point I stopped taking time]
G, X, and I all met up near the edge of the field. G was hugging his brother, X, tightly. After a while of pointless wandering around the dark and spooky field, we decided to go back to G’s house. On the street, the LSD really started to kick in. My emotions spiraled downwards seemingly without end. I felt extreme fear, anxiety, and above all else, loneliness.
My emotions spiraled downwards seemingly without end. I felt extreme fear, anxiety, and above all else, loneliness.
I felt that I was in a foreign land, with foreign people who were hostile to me. I’ve never felt so alone and desolate in my life. I felt completely empty inside. I wanted…. I wanted… something, but I didn’t know what. For now, I just wanted to get the hell out of this hostile environment. We all walked faster towards G’s house.
Visually the world started to swirl around me. It was very subtle, and since it was dark I couldn’t see too much. I looked at G and was petrified. His face was contorted into a horrible grimace of pain. I asked him how he felt. “I FEEL AMAZING. I FEEL WONDERFUL. I’M ON AN AWESOME TRIP” he seethed. I could tell that he was having a horrible trip. G ran over to his brother X and hugged him tightly. “Help me X, help me” he kept whimpering.
By now everything was going by in a blur. I was extremely hot and flushed, and I was perspiring loudly. The emotions only seemed to be intensifying. The world, the ground, everything, was swirling. We kept on walking towards the house, but every single turn was a dead end. A car drove by with people laughing inside. Never have I heard something more menacing and evil. The laughs were cruel and haunting and demonic. I wanted all this to end. I’ve never felt this magnitude of desolation and fear. I didn’t even know such depths of emotional hell existed. The whole world was distorted and bent. Everything seemed two dimensional, and everything was in the most evil shades of purple that have ever existed. I checked my watch. It was 12:11. Apparently, only 10 minutes had passed.
I was starting to lose my grip on reality. My legs were following G and X, but I didn’t know what was going on. Apparently I was saying muttering ludicrous things, for G kept telling me to shut up. He kept telling me that I was making no sense and that I was saying the stupidest things. I caught myself questioning myself if I really existed at that point. I kept questioning myself if I wasn’t already dead. I felt dead. I wanted to die. I wanted to end this torment. G’s brother, X, kept berating us about how stupid we both were and how he was so glad that he didn’t do LSD. I wanted all this to end.
+12:40~ - To my relief (if you can call if that), we reached G’s house. We definitely couldn’t go inside in our state, and G’s parents were home and asleep. G and I went to his backyard to try and sleep it off while his brother went inside to bring us some water. I laid down on his wicker sofa and took off my shirt. The shirt made absolutely no sense. I kept wishing for it to end. X brought us some water but it did nothing. I kept wanting something with the deepest longing, but I didn’t know what. My thought processes were no longer functional. Logic, existence, race, gender, sexuality, identity. Everything made no sense and nothing existed.
My thoughts were lost in a cataclysmic infinity that I couldn’t escape out of. My thoughts kept spiraling into themselves. They were thinking about themselves thinking about themselves thinking about themselves thinking about… It was horrible. Life became meaningless. The concept of life, with work, possessions, knowledge, made absolutely no sense.
Life became meaningless. The concept of life, with work, possessions, knowledge, made absolutely no sense.
I heard G conversing with X. G was worried that he had overdosed, because he too had never felt so horrible. “Fucking H (me). Damn it before H my life was good. He ruined my life. I’m going to be like this forever. Is this ever going to end? Damn you H why did you give this to me?!” G and X proceeded to talk in this manner as if I wasn’t there. At this point I didn’t care. I was preoccupied with the fear of the menacing world that was out to get me. Acid had robbed me of the memory of happiness. Everywhere I saw spikes and pain.
+3:30am – I checked the watch. Time… Time? Time happened? Time never happened. Apparently ~3 hours passed since we got back to G’s house. Time is absolutely meaningless. However, the flow of time is slowly returning to normal. I noticed that I could see again. My sight had been gone? I didn’t even notice. At this point however, I was sure that I was insane. My thoughts were no longer spiraling into infinity, but they were still radically altered. I couldn’t concentrate on anything, and I couldn’t retain my attention on a single thought, for all my thoughts go off on ridiculous tangents. I thought that I would remain like this forever. All of a sudden G comes out of the house (he’d gone inside?) and sits next to me in a merry mood. In turn, I became happy. We go back inside the house and have conversations about things that made absolutely no sense. I was sure that the police were coming to lock us away forever in a mental asylum, but I didn’t care, for I was comfortable, happy, and at peace.
+7:00am – Everything had returned to normal. Surfaces were all twisting and rippling. I had minor difficulty concentrating, and I felt physically drained (probably from the lack of food and sleep). Otherwise, all was well. G and I went outside, and aside from the ripples, the world was surprisingly dull.
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