Citation: meheh. "They Turn Me Into a Dick: An Experience with Alprazolam, Diazepam & Clonazepam (exp86187)". Erowid.org. Sep 11, 2018. erowid.org/exp/86187
The Benzo Fiasco
Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. Don't do it!]
I was addicted to benzos for around a year. I first started using them because many people I talked to over the internet were often high on Xanax. They said it was great and then I had someone show me where you could buy them online. I bought 30 2mg Xanax at first and had a good timeÖ? I only question that because I donít remember a lot of it. Let me just clarify they destroy my memory, Xanax especially.
I was doing Xanax, valium and klonopin. They were all shipped from an online drug store right to my mailbox and sometimes to my front door when they would send the valium via their fancy shipping partner. A few times I opened my door and signed for 90 10mg valiums, they just handed it over.
Since this is a retrospective story Iíll try to condense it and keep it short. Basically I was superman on benzos, then later a complete dick. When I took Xanax I would have entire conversations with people over the internet then forget all about it the next day. I think the memory loss on Xanax is the worst because itís so powerful and short acting. Xanax was my favorite benzo for a while; I used valium a lot because it was less intense and I could focus more. I finally ended up on klonopin because I liked it more than valium or Xanax.
The things I did under the influence of Xanax were mostly buying coke and booze and tons of food (benzos give me an incredible hunger; I just about ate an entire large pizza on Xanax). I also passed out a lot of my couch during that period of my life. I think the worst was the Xanax, I believe I was on around 7-9 2mg bars a couple of times. I had a high tolerance so I would pop them like candy. 2mg of Xanax is enough for a person with no tolerance to completely black out.
The worst experience I had on Xanax happened when I was driving from Colorado to New Mexico. I read that you shouldnít drive while stopping Xanax and thatís what I did. So I was tapering my dose down, I had realized that I was addicted and wanted to cut down or stop completely. So I was on around .5mg a day for about a week, I tapered pretty well and was feeling a lot better. I had an incident earlier in the week where it felt like I was having a massive panic attack/seizure (I had a seizure on mushrooms a few years back) when I tried to get in the shower. The water freaked me out and I started shaking and got tunnel vision. It was at that time I realized I had a Xanax problem.
But back to the driveÖ I had 2 2mg bars in my pocket just in case I started to freak out (which I did when I got into New Mexico) I started to get that feeling of my brain shaking and the tunnel vision and had a pretty bad panic attack. I thought I was dying and my internal organs were shutting down because of all the Xanax I was doing. So I stopped in the hospital in Las Vegas, New Mexico and went to urgent care. I told them I stopped taking Xanax and thought it was serious. I sat there for a while but became increasingly paranoid and left after this Mexican told me he drank vodka and was feeling sick.
I told myself ďyou arenít dying in Las Vegas, New Mexico, itís a shit hole you need to get out of hereĒ so I got back in my car and drove into Santa Fe, still freaking out all the while. I was just in the midst of a panic attack brought on by the Xanax I later found out. The people at the Santa Fe hospital were much nicer and I felt calmer once they started to explain to me that Xanax causes panic attacks and I was going to be OK. The lady wrote me a script for 30 1mg klonopin and told me to take half before bed so I didnít seizure or whatever. I think they were just being nice and trying to calm my panic stricken mind. It worked.
After that I quit Xanax and told myself klonopin or valium were better because Xanax hadnít been the preferred benzo since klonopin came out. So of course I ordered some kpins and valiums from the site. I would get 2mg of kpin then walk around Colfax Ave (famous street in Denver) drinking at bars and hitting on women. I didnít know it but I guess I looked really fucked up. They refused to sell me a bottle of liquor @ the nice liquor store in town and made me leave. I was upset and gave them shit, called back on skype and was just being a major asshole in general. One time I was refused drinks at a bar and went insane on them like I did the at liquor store. I called several times with skype and the lady told me I was banned forever (I have since been back and made up for my behavior that day). I also walked into bars ordered a drink or 2 and then just left after consuming the beverages (without paying).
Benzos turn me into a dick I still have a drinking problem (I got a DWAI ďdriving while ability imparedĒ, when I was 22) and continue to drink to this day but much less than I used too. I started drinking very heavily when I first quit Xanax, booze greatly takes away the benzo withdraw.
What I think about now is how no one ever talked about how fucked up I was during class on Xanax. I must have been majorly fucked (staggering around leaving randomly) but no one said anythingÖ I regret how fucked up I was on that shit, when I stopped taking it without tapering (very bad idea) it felt like my body was a rubber band being shot off inside my body, it was awful. In-between the Xanax I would get valium. I used to pop around 4-5 valiums (10mg) in the bathroom of school (college at the time) and leave the blister packs on the floor.
This has been a very long report but what I really want to say is that benzos can help people with anxiety (it helped me but I abused them too often) and they made me be an asshole to everyone I knew. I was addicted to them big time. Most people I know who take Xanax legally say itís a bad trip and I agree.
I still have a drinking problem (getting better) and smoke marijuana numerous times per day. I believe I have an addictive personality but Iíve somehow managed to keep it in check recently.
I know this report wonít stop a user who wants to do benzos all the time like I did; but maybe they will see how addictive they were for me.
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