Citation: Saska. "Born From Death: An Experience with LSD, Mushrooms & MDMA (exp86375)". Erowid.org. Sep 3, 2018. erowid.org/exp/86375
| T+ 0:20
| T+ 0:25
||(powder / crystals)
| T+ 0:00
I had Wanted to do something fun on the coming 4th of July Sunday that was approaching. I had never done mushrooms before and I heard of some very good ones that a friend of a friend had. After I got mushrooms I knew that I wanted to do a full cut for my first experience. On the 4th, I met up with two friends who were also going to trip with me. They had done mushrooms before I had not. Anyone I asked how much I should do my first time suggested I did not do the full cut I had planned on doing. But I was stubborn and did not know what they were like and thought I could handle it.
Anyone I asked how much I should do my first time suggested I did not do the full cut I had planned on doing. But I was stubborn and did not know what they were like and thought I could handle it.
It was a very hot day. I’d say it was around 85 to 90 degrees outside. We met up at a park near my house after I got off work. It was about 1 p.m. and I was ready to get my trip started. Between me and my two friends we had psybocilin, lsd, mdma(molly), and marijuana. We all ate our mushrooms in our respectable doses, mine of course being a cut or 3.5 grams. Also when I got the mushrooms I picked out a huge cap which weighed to be about 2.4 of my 3.5 gram cut. I ate it all. We then moved to a different spot and as we walked I suggested we go all out and do everything we had. I bartered with my friend to give me two doses of molly and intern I would give him and our other friend some acid.
About 20 minutes a dropped a hit of acid on my tongue then 5 minutes after that I ate two doses of pure molly crystal out of the bag it was in. I wanted to walk somewhere to buy a bottle of water so I did not get dehydrated on such a hot day. We walked to a gas station and I bought a liter of water. From there we decided we wanted to smoke a bowl. So we went back in the woods to smoke. We found a secluded area with a huge log on the ground that provided us with seats to sit there and smoke and relax.
I just realized as I write this I begin to feel anxious and sick to my stomach. I think bringing the memories back from this day is causing the anxiety.
We sat there and smoked as I played music from my phone. This spot in the woods is where I first started to feel myself coming up. There was trash and leaves on the ground and these things began to light up. Not at once, certain sections of debree would slowly light then fade as a different section would do the same. The ground was waving in front of me. I then began to lose track of how I got to where I was and how to get out of the area I was in. I was not worried at this point because my trip was very enjoyable. But we sat there for a while (personally too long for me) and I was ready to get up and go somewhere else and do something. But they did not want to go and I did not know where to go, so I sat there with them readily awaiting for them to be ready to move on. This is where my trip lost enjoyment. I soon began to feel uncomfortable sitting in the heat, in the woods, on a log. So I moved from the log to the dirt on the ground. I did not care about getting dirty I just cared about comfort. I was hot and slightly nautious. Soon my one friend who was also tripping that said something that disturbed me.
“Imagine what it would feel like to kill someone.”
I sat there in silence but in my head I was saying “ok, I’ve had enough, I’m leaving”.
Five minutes later I stood up and made my departure announced. I said I was going home. I was too hot and too fucked up to be here in the woods doing nothing. So I started to walk home. They walked out of the woods with me but after that I went one way and they went another. I got to a main road near my house and immediately felt as if everyone was looking at me. I felt like I was covered in dirt from laying in the woods. I felt everyone’s eyes on me and that somehow they knew what I was on. I now did not want to go home. I called my friends to see where they were but they did not answer. From there a paced a quarter mile trying to find them but I felt too uncomfortable in mid day walking near my home tripping, feeling like everyone knew and everyone as watching, so I made my way home.
By the time I had gotten home my trip had intensified, which I did not see happening. I thought I was peaking in the woods but I could not have been more wrong. Time was hard for me to keep track of but I estimate I got home approximately 1 hour after I had ingested everything. I went into my house and there was no one else home. I immediately flung open the door to my room and ripped all my clothes off from feeling hot and dirty. I got in the shower because I thought it would make me feel better because at this time my trip had gone from undesirable to extreme discomfort. I felt more uncomfortable then I had ever felt in my live. The best way to describe it is I felt as if my skeleton has rotated lightly inside my skin and I just was not fitting right inside myself. Every movement I made was the wrong one. I felt like screaming from discomfort. Keep in mind, this is the hardest I had ever tripped at this point. What I was seeing and hearing was distorted. Walking was harder then usual and the mental trip was taking me to a level I never could have wanted to imagine.
I have tripped on acid several times before but the most I had ever done at once was 3 hits. I was nowhere near experienced for everything I did that day.
Soon after I got in the shower and cooled of I became extremely enraged because the shower did nothing to ease my discomfort. As soon as I got cooled off I felt even more uncomfortable. I quickly got out of the shower and dried off. I stopped at the bathroom mirror to see what I looked like. I did not even see myself as I had known myself. Instead I saw a body that had something inside of it. Because my pupils were so dilated my eyes looked as if they were all black. I had remembered a movie where a girl who was possessed by a demon had eyes that looked exactly like mine and this led me to think, is there something inside me?
I ran into my room to try and lay down and listen to music, making one last desperate attempt to make the trip enjoyable, but nothing worked. A few emotions I felt while tripping: anger, discomfort, fear, confusion, rage, discomfort, and paranoia. Laying in my bed listening to music was what I always did to make my unpleasant trips enjoyable. But it was not working this time. Just as everything felt uncomfortable, all the music I tried to listen to was the wrong choice. I became more frustrated and enraged which eventually led to psychotic thoughts.
“Why won’t anything sound good?”
“Why can’t I get comfortable?”
“Why am I so alone?”
“Why am I so itchy?”
“Is something on me?”
“Where is everyone?”
“Is someone home?”
Those thoughts repeated in my head for what felt like a few hours but in reality was approximately 3 to 5 minutes. I was laying in my bed trying to think of what to do. I did not want to be tripping but I knew it was beyond my control. The worst part was that it was not even 2 hours since I had taken everything and I knew I had a long ride ahead of me. I could not handle it at this point. I got up to take another shower, I don’t even know why, I guess at the time I thought it could help, but it didn’t. the second shower only lasted about 30 seconds until a ripped open the shower curtain and ran into my room naked. I felt so confined inside my room but I knew if I went outside I would feel exposed and this caused even more frustration knowing that there was nowhere to be that would make this better. The walls and the floors were moving. I was cold and hot, weak and strong. I was losing my grip on reality. Every trip I’ve ever had the thought “Is this ever going to end” has crossed my mind, but this time I was convinced that the trip was never going to end, even worse, that I was not going to get through this day to see tomorrow.
The next 30 minutes of my life felt like hours. And when I say hours I mean HOURS. I thought I was in my room for 6 to 7 hours tripping. The time after the second shower consisted of me going to all the rooms in my house over and over again looking for some kind of enjoyment. Every time nothing was found, I became even more enraged, scared and desperate. This was it, I gave up. I layed down in my bed. I was convinced I was dying. I called my friend who was experienced with these types of drugs and asked him if what I had taken was killing me. My hearing was so distorted that I could barely make out what he was saying so I just kept asking questions after questions without hearing the response. I very vividly remember asking him if I needed medical attention. His response came to me distorted. What he really said was no I don’t think you need to call an ambulance. But in my head what I heard and invisioned was, in a panicked voice: “Ok… um I think im going to call an ambulance for you, don’t worry they’ll be there soon.”
It was only about a second from the time he said that till he spoke again but in that second was the start of my death. I heard that and immediately closed my eyes and saw ambulances lined up in front of my house, with paramedics walking into my room to find my dead, deformed body, laying a puddles of my own piss and vomit. That 1 second did not even feel like time. I was outside of time at this point. I was no longer in reality. I was somewhere else.
That 1 second did not even feel like time. I was outside of time at this point. I was no longer in reality. I was somewhere else.
I continued the phone conversation for a little after my friend repeatedly reassured me that I was not dying and was going to be perfectly fine and that I was just tripping really hard. But I did not trust him or anyone else. I was convinced that no one understood what was happening and that I was dying.
After the phone conversation I laid in my bed starring straight ahead. I had remembered something my friend once said about people getting so freaked out when tripping that their face droops to the side and they have a heart attack. I felt my face and it felt sideways. I got up to look in the mirror and it looked like the left side of my face was drooping. I tried to concentrate really hard to see if it really was or if I was just freaking out. But it did not matter. Either way I was dying. And after I looked in the mirror and couldn’t see what I wanted, I was convinced I was also going blind. One final time I laid down in my bed convinced I was blond and dying and I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. My eyes started leaking. I don’t mean I was crying, I mean liquid started flowing out of my eyes and I couldn’t stop it and had no idea why it was happening. My first thought was that I had drunk too much water and gave myself water poison. I now had 3 different things that I thought were causing my death. Now in my bed, it happened. I was lying there with my eyes wide open but I was not seeing reality. Instead I saw the scene of my death as it was about to happen. I saw police and ambulances in front of my house. I saw the police tearing my room apart finding drugs everywhere. I saw my mother in my room looking at me in disgust, lying there dead in puddle of my own piss and vomit and being ashamed to call herself my mother. I see her shed not one tear. I saw myself. I saw my dead body lying there, motionless and white. I saw all this from what I can only explain as 5 or 6 feet above my body. But I could also see outside in front of my house from the same position. Its hard to explain and even harder to understand. But at this point in time I was dead and was not coming back. I was outside of my body watching the last moments of my life and the first few minutes of my death.
Then out of no where I was back in my body again looking straight ahead., the fan in my window still blowing and my room still a mess from me tearing it apart. I know felt the biggest sense of euphoria I had ever felt. The rest of the day was my comedown and I was not normal again after I slept that night. But the rest of the day(remember was the 4th of July) I spent telling my friends about my experience and trying to get insight on it. But no one had any words of comfort to say. I knew that part of me died that day.
It has been10 days today since that happened and I think about it every day. Some day’s it gets me so worked up that I still want to cry like I did that day. It was the most traumatic event of my life. I have not felt the same since that day and in a way I am convinced I died that day and was reborn a different person.
Since that day my anxiety and sadness have become worse even just smoking marijuana now is not as enjoyable as it used to be. I am also much more paranoid and untrusting of people. I feel like I’m trapped inside my body. I am hoping someday this will all go away.
COPYRIGHTS: All reports are copyright Erowid and you agree not to download or analyze the report data without contacting Erowid Center and receiving permission first.
Experience Reports are the writings and opinions of the individual authors who submit them.
Some of the activities described are dangerous and/or illegal and none are recommended by Erowid Center.