Citation: Bex. "Amazing and Love-Filled: An Experience with MDMA (exp86844)". Erowid.org. Apr 27, 2019. erowid.org/exp/86844
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Molly: My Amazing, Love-Filled Experience
I have done MDMA a handful of times, but not in a long time... long before I ever heard the name 'Molly.' I took ecstasy tabs a handful of times in high school, and I did half a tab about 3 years ago at a concert, but not since then.
My boyfriend had never done it, but after hearing me describe my positive experiences with it (ecstasy was always my favorite drug and I've experimented with a variety of things) he acquired some Molly for us to do together. Having been living out of the country and also having stayed away from the drug scene for a few years, I didn't know what Molly was, but I was told it was 'pure' MDMA in powder form not cut with the speed and 'other shit' found in ecstasy tabs. Since I've overdosed on Adderall before, I'm a little wary of stimulants and no longer enjoy speedy/upper effects. The idea of allegedly speed-free, pure MDMA was appealing. We decided to use it on a recent camping trip that we took (just the two of us and our three dogs).
The Molly came as clear capsules with white powder in them. I do not know the dosage or how many mg of powder was in the capsules, but I assume one cap was intended as one dose. At my age (28), I know myself and my body and how sensitive I am... I'm a lightweight and drugs tend to have a stronger effect on me than they do on others. Between this and the fact that my boyfriend had never done MDMA, we decided to split a capsule. I twisted one open and emptied out the powder onto a clean piece of paper. I used a credit card to divide the powder into two piles, as even and equal as possible. I swept one pile off onto a second sheet of paper, for my boyfriend. Using a crease in each piece of paper, we emptied the powder into our mouths and washed it down with a swig of water. It tasted AWFUL... very bitter, metallic, burning... impossible to ingest without making a face in disgust, so I see why they put it in a capsule.
We waited, eagerly. In about 30 min, I felt vaguely buzzed, or more just relaxed. It was an almost identical feeling to drinking a beer on an empty stomach (I told you I was a lightweight). More relaxed and chill though, than alcohol, but similar. It was definitely nothing like the intense physical euphoria of ecstasy I'd taken in the past. My boyfriend said he felt a little 'different' but hardly noticeable (although he had smoked some weed a short while earlier so was already mildly stoned). We waited another 30 min or maybe it was an hour, and nothing really changed. Frustrated, we decided to take more. I suggested we take an entire additional capsule each, but he thought we should just take another half each for now (and thank god for that!).
We split another capsule the same way, this time emptying as far back on the tongue/in the throat as possible (still pretty disgusting), so we each had consumed a total of one capsule each (but taken half a capsule at a time, spaced about 1 hr-1.5 hrs apart). Within 20 min of taking the 2nd half, we were feeling much stronger effects
Within 20 min of taking the 2nd half, we were feeling much stronger effects
, but I suspect this was the first half peaking. This is when it started to feel like MDMA as I remembered it. I was no longer able to keep very good track of the time, but I'm pretty sure the 2nd half started peaking soon after, because things very quickly exploded into more intense effects.
My mood was very elevated- content, extremely happy, but not hyper. I felt chill and relaxed by default, but could easily excite myself as I experienced new sensations during different movements. In that sense it didn't feel particularly more 'up' or 'down' in terms of stimulant/depressant effect... the trip just went with the flow of whatever I did or wanted, and either a more sedate or more excited side could come out.
I did not hallucinate the way one would on psychedelics, but I did experience visual effects. However, we did not take this until after dinnertime and we were camping, so it was very dark. We had a lantern though and there were some reflective signs nearby, which had a halo/glowing effect. From the lantern light I could see my surroundings enough to notice an extreme 3-dimensionality, much like watching a 3-d movie. It really reminded me of looking at one of the magic-eye pictures- not at all the texture of those images, but just how 3-dimensional they look. It was really intriguing, like there was so much physical space I wasn't seeing before, almost like there could be whole other dimensions folding back on themselves behind the trees, and that I just had to walk around them to see it. There was just so much more depth to everything. It also appeared as though I was at the center of everything. By this I mean that it looked very very slightly as though the ground and trees and sky around me encircled me and ever so slightly folded in over me, if viewed from the side almost like a heart shape. This was a very mild visual effect, but it gave me a pleasant sensation of being at the center of the entire world. I also saw tracers on quickly moving objects. Due to the darkness, I was unable to see if there was any effect on colors, and next time I plan to take Molly during the day so I don't miss this (as I anticipate there would be more intense colors).
The only auditory changes I noticed were a slight sensitivity to certain sounds. Unfortunately we had no music, but when a Cliff Bar wrapper crinkled, it sounded so strange... so intense, crisp, colorful, and metalic... I could feel my eardrums (or maybe just my inner/middle ear muscles) flinching, the same way they do if you suddenly blast loud music that hurts your ears. Even though I felt my ears flinch like this, it wasn't painful like loud music, but it was distinctly the same physical reaction... it was very strange. It made me wish I had music, especially electronic music with interesting textures to it.
Physically I felt very euphoric, with heightened sense of touch and movement like stretching or walking felt extremely blissful and euphoric- like on the level of an orgasm (not that it felt sexual in any way, but it's the best comparison for the intensity of how good it felt). It was different than my past experiences, where the physical euphoria came almost in waves, like a massage... this time it felt like I was hooked up to an electrical current of physical bliss, and the intensity could be turned up or down based on how much I was being touched or by how much I was moving. Touching felt wonderful, but moving was simply indescribable... I became so excited about this amazing sensation that I grabbed by boyfriend's hand and insisted we walk down the hiking trail next to our campsite because I wanted him to see how amazing walking felt, and joyfully skipped with him over to the treailhead. I became completely overjoyed and overwhelmed with how completely perfectly amazingly good I physically felt from walking...
I became completely overjoyed and overwhelmed with how completely perfectly amazingly good I physically felt from walking...
I couldn't believe it. It was like the best sensation in the world, and I was in such pleasure-shock that I described it all loudly and gleefully to my boyfriend, unsure if he was experiencing this and somewhat in disbelief at how good it all felt. 'Oh my god it feels amazing! Just, walking... feels so GOOD!' I exclaimed things like this over and over, and with each step/movement the pleasure became more and more intense.
We couldn't have gone more than 10 steps down the trail when the pleasure became more too intense and overwhelming. Despite how good it felt, it was out of control. I felt that I was beginning to lose my vision, and felt the intense pleasure was taking over my body and soon my mind. I collapsed, unable to stand, and was convinced I was going to die. 'Please, help me, it's too strong, it's too strong, make it stop, it's too much...' I cried to my boyfriend and then warned him that I was going to pass out. I was panicked and could not see, but could hear him assuring me it would be OK, coaching my breathing, could feel him rubbing my back, etc. and I was thinking 'god, I don't want to die but what a god damned pleasurable way to die... we should all be so lucky to die like this... but I don't want to die... why isn't he taking me to a hospital?'
And suddenly I could see again, and I could stand again. Convinced my boyfriend had saved my life and thrilled that I hadn't died, I was suddenly filled with joy again. The panic was gone and I felt completely wonderful as I had a few minutes ago. I decided that movement like walking was simply too great a pleasure for me to tolerate, and said I wanted to just lay down in the tent. (The next day, my boyfriend told me that he had watched me hyperventilate myself from the excitement of how good walking felt, to the point of almost passing out. The reason I suddenly felt perfectly fine again a few minutes after collapsing, was because he coaxed me into breathing normally again.)
We spent the rest of the trip in the tent, just laying down holding each other. We squeezed each other, rubbed each other, made out, even had sex (although neither of us came anywhere near orgasming and were perfectly fine with that). It was amazing. I have never felt so close to another person. When I first started peaking, my trip was more focused on my personal physical euphoria and I was more physically excited in a child-like joyous way... now in this intimate setting, the trip turned into the most intense bonding experience I have ever had. It was like nothing else existed except the two of us in this little tent. We kept saying how much we loved each other, over and over. I couldn't tell him enough... I was desperate to convey to him how much I loved him, but nothing was good enough so I just kept saying stuff. In hindsight it's funny to think about. I told him, 'I love your hands, and your feet, and your legs, and your face, and your eyes, and the gap between your teeth....' etc... 'I never want this to end'... 'You are my everything, this is everything, we are everything... I love you love you love you more than anything...' These were the types of things I said (and that he said, although I was more talkative than he was) over and over as we just embraced for hours. At one point we noticed my dog sleeping on his back with a goofy grin. We laughed at how silly he looked and rubbed our bare feet on his fuzzy belly, which felt so soft like velvet. Everything felt so soft and wonderful... my boyfriend's skin and hair, kissing him, sex... but sex didn't feel so great in a sexual way, it was more in a non-sexual physical way (if that makes sense) and in an intensely deep emotional way. Not to get too graphic, but when he was inside of me, it felt like his soul and heart were inside of mine, melded together as one. It felt like all my chakras had been opened, but none so wide as my heart chakra. I could literally feel the light and love spilling from my chest and emanating into the world.
I was extremely thirsty throughout the trip. We went through a 3 L CamelBak between the two of us, although I drank way more than he did (at least 2 L if not more). The water felt so smooth and amazing as it went down my throat too. I was so fucked up I had no sense of how much I was or was not drinking, and knew that dehydration was a risk factor as well as water intoxification, so I kept telling my boyfriend to drink but to keep track of how much we were drinking (because I had no clue, and he was not affected as strongly by the Molly as I was).
Eventually I could feel the effects lessening, and we fell asleep probably 8 hrs after we took it. Our sleep was not very good though... I had to get up to pee 7 times after drinking all that water!
The next day, I no longer felt any noticeable physical effects (maybe just barely more physically relaxed than usual), but my heart chakra still felt wide open. I felt so so so so deeply in love with my boyfriend, so happy and content with the world, and so fondly of the human race. The day after that, I suffered some depression but not in the way I am used to (I am bipolar so am familiar with severe and even suicidal depression). It was more of an intense emotional and physical longing for my boyfriend. When he had to go to work I cried because I couldn't bear to be apart from him. I felt so utterly alone when he wasn't there, even though I knew I would see him in a few hours. I couldn't focus or motivate myself to do anything. I laid in bed most of the day, sad and missing him and feeling down on myself.
The third day my depression was gone but I can say that so far it seems this Molly trip has intensified my love for my boyfriend. At least it has opened my mind and my heart to being more serious and committed in a way I couldn't be before doing the Molly. It's wonderful... I am not sure if this will ware off, but it honestly feels like a permanent change. I truly feel like I want to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him at this point. It's not that Molly changed who either of us were, but it just opened my heart, made me more receptive to receiving what he has to give, and more accepting of myself. I feel I have a bigger heart for the world as well, and just genuinely happier since we did it.
This was so intense, I'm not ready to do it again but I look forward to doing it again after some time passes. I wouldn't mind taking a bit less... maybe 3/4 of what I took, because it was a bit out of my control. I would have liked to exploit the extremely pleasurable physical sensation of walking/movement without overwhelming myself to the point of hyperventilation. I think on a slightly lower dose this would be possible. I also would rather do it during the day next time so I can experience the full range of visual effects, and lastly I would make sure to have a variety of interesting (especially electronic) music around.
Overall, this was an absolutely wonderful, life-changing experience. I've never heard anyone else describe MDMA trips changing their lives this much (and none of my past ones ever did), but it's similar to the spiritual changes I've heard others describe from psychedelic trips.
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