Citation: Sole. "Alive Again: An Experience with Ayahuasca (exp86873)". Erowid.org. Dec 18, 2010. erowid.org/exp/86873
I want to apologize for my English beforehand. In my life there was only darkness, self destructive patters, drug abuse, self abuse…and I didn’t believe in anything or anyone. I was always seduced by debauchery. But still, I thought I can be happy with that life style. I still was sleeping.
Well I have this therapist, this angel…and he used to take Ayahuasca since he had 14 years. So one night he recommended me, and told me I should attend to an Ayahuasca ceremony in order to heal myself. That was what he said. I had heard of Ayahuasca, I live in Colombia so; although its use isn’t of masses, some people know it and had told me their experiences. Here in Colombia we call it Yagé o Yagesito. Well, the night came and I was frightened, really frightened. I did it outside Bogota (like two hours from there) with a chaman.
Since the Chaman and his wife entered the place, they look as angels, they have this light inside them, and everyone notice that, they were beautiful beings. The ceremony started with prayers and sacred incense. The place was located in a country field, there were plants all over, and it was really dark and cold. Everyone did a crooked circle and each individual stand up to take the vine of the souls. It tasted awful, many people instantly puked, it was a very intense flavor of thick-bitter-wine. The rest of the story, I feel I can barely put it in to words.
But let’s give it a chance. My main goal to achieve that night, was to believe in something, to believe in God. Everything was alright; everyone one was smoking tobacco which is sacred, a friend told me that smoking tobacco intensifies the prayers, because the smoke always goes to the heart of the heavens where God resides. After praying a lot, after asking for forgiveness, after crying, at some point in the ceremony I get really dizzy, I can barely move. And that dizziness gets to a point where it is unbeareable. Plus I am hearing the spirits voices and having this intense visuals, and everyone was easing (that is how the chaman and the ‘’yageceros’’ call it when you are vomiting), and they didn’t make the normal puking sound, it sounded as an exorcism. But I was feeling compassion and understanding the pain, but above all knowing that soon I would going to be in my knees vomiting.
There is an awakening, because it seems that everything that I realized while on ayahuasca I already knew. When I can barely breath, when I feel that the air can´t pass my nostrils, when I am certain that I am going to die, when I think I am at the edge of madness, when the only thing that I want is to cry and to run towards nothing, when the only thing that I feel is sadness and despair and loss, when I am impotent, when the nausea is so inside me, when I want to yell but I can’t, when the spirits are speaking without speaking, when I no longer am me…I puke, and just then I let everything go, I let my fears out, I learn how to love me, how to love my beloved ones, how to love everyone, I realize that love is the only thing that can save me, it teaches me how to live. The mother earth appears to me as the most pure and strong being, the one without beginning and without ending, it made me humble, it made me think of how small and fragile I am, it made me awake of the dream.
It made me free. The more comfortable you are with your masks, with your appearance, with what you thing you are, the more sustained the pain is in the ceremony, you just have to surrender, when I surrendered I accepted my fears and my dear demons. And then I became free.
The ceremony was quite severe, intense, strong, deep, long, enchanted. I died (literally) and then I was alive again, I notice that everything has to do with the cycle of Life-Death-Life Death. Something wrong inside me died that night, and by dawn something beautiful had come to reside within me.
The rest of the week is wonderful, I feel as if I were a child, I am surprised by every movement, and the mother earth captivates me. I am happy to be alive, and I gave thanks to the Great Spirit for allowing me to breath, the sacred breath that I share with every single being. It sounds cliché to say that it was life changing, but indeed it was. It certainly opened my heart, mind and eyes. I fear and respect Ayahuasca, the beautiful serpent, the one reed, the root.
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