DOSE:

oral

MDMA

BODY WEIGHT:

125 lb

Since my junior year in high school, I had taken ecstasy in either the molecule or roll form as frequently as every other weekend, to even sometimes once a week. The usage fluctuated, but stayed constant at three to four times a month. This behavior lasted for a year, and I was used to the awful day-after where my serotonin and dopamine levels would plummet. My feelings would usually be deep sadness, for no reason. That was what got under my skin the most, the fact that I felt hopeless, but my life was so gratifying. Although I knew why I was feeling this way, it still did not seem to kick the low. After a while, it became harder and harder to keep composure.

A year after this behavior, I visited New York City and procured a handful of blue stars that I would later distribute to my friends, but keep a hefty amount for myself. Over the course of three consecutive weekends, I took the pills four times. My first time I felt close to nothing, and I had only taken one pill. The next weekend I took two and felt a rush of epic relaxation mixed with happiness but much physical energy. It was very powerful, but the next morning I felt quite the opposite. This was not too different to any other day-after, though. I had taken a couple more the next night at a concert, and felt an equally as strong experience. Strangely enough, the day after my two consecutive nights of rolling, I felt no let down. My head was a bit fuzzy, but I had attributed that to the LSD that I taken the night before also.

It was only until the final weekend that something went wrong. I had taken only one pill, and as opposed to my first experience with one pill, I felt some sensation. Not nearly as strong as the two pills, of course, but enough that I was rolling around on beds and enjoying the tactile sensation. The night ended, and the next morning I awoke. My sadness was on the surface, I could feel it and I kept myself busy with friends to try and forget it was there. I couldn’t forget the sadness, but it was not until later that night that I was engulfed in it. My mind was enveloped in crippling despair. I heeled into a ball and cried, for hours. Many despairs were let out, and I thankfully had a friend there with me to help ease me, who also very well understood the situation. Her words did aid me, but the despair I found would not go away. It has been four months since my deep bout of depression, and unfortunately that may have been the straw that broke the camels back.

In my family, depression and anxiety run rampant. I was untouched by this surprisingly; at least I was always able to handle my problems quite easily. Since my experience, my sadness is a parasite I walk with constantly. It cannot be proven, but in my opinion, I have brought on my own mental disorder. Both my anxiety, which comes in forms of stress and insecurity, have increased exponentially. The change is too apparent, and very unsettling. The depression is not as severe as the anxiety, but I have at least tripled my bouts of physical pain and strong emotional helplessness since previous years.

Ecstasy is an interesting drug to take, and for the amounts I was taking, such a strong sensation that no description can be applied. However, recreational use must be monitored very closely. Or else you may be caught in your own chronic come down.

Exp Year: 2010	ExpID: 87391
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 18
Published: Nov 12, 2019	Views: 498
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MDMA (3) : Depression (15), Hangover / Days After (46), Retrospective / Summary (11), Various (28)