Citation: NewRainbowChild. "Life Death Rebirth: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy), LSD & Cannabis (exp87422)". Erowid.org. Oct 7, 2010. erowid.org/exp/87422
||(powder / crystals)
||(blotter / tab)
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This experience was the most intense foray into psychedelia that I’ve ever had. It was also the singly best and worst night of my life. It started on a regular Saturday night. I had just obtained some great molly to my excitement, as I hadn’t had good stuff for many many months. My friend H and I were just chilling at my apartment. I was kind of hesitant to take it for whatever reason but knew that I would still thank myself in the end. I weighed out ~100 mg and parachuted it.
I began to feel a little odd and knew I was coming up. Then, in about 40 minutes it hit me completely; I was rolling harder than ever before. I began to dance ecstatically and H put on some music. I was just massaging my whole body and talking a mile a minute. H was completely sober, but I tried to get her to open up to me completely and began psychoanalyzing her life inadvertently. She told me that everything I was saying was true, but she hadn’t come to terms with it yet and needed to mule it over.
At this point I decided to take some acid on a whim, so I went to my stockpile and dropped 3 hits of this amazing rainbow children blotter I had. H expressed some concern, as I had not originally intended to do any acid. I was completely confident in my decision though and couldn’t have been more happy with myself and what I was going to experience. H asked me if I wanted to go outside and run with her and I replied with a definite YES! I got some water and a pacifier to chew on for the road. As we were leaving, our friends John and Joey popped by randomly and we vaporized a bowl together. I was really happy to see them and they wished me the best of luck on my trip.
After they left we set out down the neighborhood in a jog. I ran until I noticed my heart was beating very FAST and I was getting lightheaded. I listened to the signs of my body and decided to slow down and drink some water to cool off. At this point the acid really kicked in and I felt like I was popping in and out of the space-time domain and dancing with the cosmos. We made it to a small elementary school park and I immediately lay down in the grass of a field. I looked out at the sky and saw the most beautiful cloud formations and the stars appeared to be raining out of the sky. I was so happy and had never seen so much beauty before. Everything was ALIVE! Everything I looked at was breathing in the energy of life and absolutely flowing. I could see every molecule that composed everything I saw, no matter how close of far away it was. All my senses were enhanced and I experienced them as one: beyond the senses.
I began to get astounding and glorious revelations. I saw that everything was composed of one basic building block fractal that would create patterns to give off the appearance of form. I new that this fractal was pure and absolute love, the creator and the creation fused as one- God, energy, light, whatever you wish to call it, this is what it was. And I realized that nothing was static either-everything was always moving, flowing, going through a continuous cycle of life, death, and rebirth. I realized that although it was always changing, it was infinite, and to be part of the cycle is what it means to be alive. I saw everything that appeared to be still was simply slowly moving particles of this energy life force, vibrating at such a low rate that our ordinary senses perceive it as solid. I almost cried for joy at this realization- all was love, all was one.
I reflected on the concept of the OM and understood it completely. I also realized that since everything was composed of love/God everything was whole, at every moment. I could never be separate from God, I was God, God was inside of me and God was EVERYTHING. This thought gave me so much comfort because I knew I would never be alone. As I was telling this to H she asked me where fear fit into the picture. I instantly knew that fear was only a lack of awareness of love and it is only a flaw of perception. I continued to ponder and gaze at the sky, watching the clouds dance and flow with rainbow iridescence around the moon. Sometimes I felt like I was right up there with them.
After a while a light turned on in the school and H told me she thought she saw someone. We were trespassing, so we decided to just leave and not take any chances. We went back to my apartment and I lay on a yoga mat outside and continued to stare at the heavens and talk to her ecstatically. She told me I looked absolutely comfortable and I replied that I was. I decided to paint and began to mix colors randomly and paint an erratic pattern all over the canvas. She told me that she enjoyed how free I was being and I smiled and continued to paint until I was out of space. I didn’t want to come back for awhile and decided to take 2 more hits. I contemplated taking more molly and even some shrooms, but decided not to get too crazy.
At this point I began to try to talk to H again about her life because I wanted her to find the peace and love that I had found also. When she spoke to me I could see which parent had given her which specific personality traits and her face actually morphed to portray either parent which I found absolutely crazy. I was still tripping madly at this point and space and time were so skewed that I was having a lot of trouble staying in a linear conversation as my mind was bouncing all over the place.. I told her everything I had realized and that she could have it too. I decided that I would give her the same illumination I had discovered since I had discovered the power of creation by calling it out of the universe.
This is when things started to get really crazy. I knew that to transmit the enlightenment I would have to put it into a shape that she could access. I asked her what she wanted to be, what she most clearly identified with, what she was most passionate about- so I could mold the energy into shape for her to access. She kept on replying that she didn’t know and this exasperated and frightened me. For some reason I felt that she was right here experiencing my consciousness with me and couldn’t fathom why she couldn’t see it. She began to get defensive and talked about how she often struggles with depression in life.
This is when my trip got really bad. The molly had worn itself through and I realized that it wasn’t coming back. I began to feel like our friendship was over- I was moving on, choosing to live completely in the light, whereas she was still partially enveloped by darkness. I wanted her to come with me but she wasn’t ready, she was still afraid. I thought I would lose her completely and this greatly saddened me-for her sake especially because she wouldn’t understand. All the energy I had called out of the universe to give to her was still hanging over my head, enveloping me. I couldn’t put it back, so I absorbed it and it became all of her fear and sadness.
This is when I went to hell. I quickly and shakily said goodnight to H, who was in the process of passing out. She asked if I was ok and I lied because I knew that there was nothing she could do to help me, especially if this is the point I had gotten to trying to help her. I walked out onto my balcony again-I had left the door open and saw my black cat disappear into the darkness. I think she jumped into my neighbor’s balcony but I was tripping so hard I felt like I had lost her forever. This triggered my absolute descent into the lower realms of HELL. I began to feel like absolute shit. I was lost, wandering aimlessly looking for the peace, love, and beauty I had felt before but all I could see was darkness and terror.
I tried to go to sleep but felt like H was a giant spider in a cocoon who wove a machine-like web sucking out my soul. I got up and began to pace the house. I tried to do everything I could think of that would make me feel better-meditation, yoga, chakra cleansing, cleaning, painting, singing, dancing, watching planet earth. Nothing helped, I simply couldn’t focus at all on anything I tried. I took some melatonin and gaba pentin to try and kill my trip early so I could sleep and at least find peace there. I wanted to die. I felt like I was eternally trapped by pain and demons began to haunt my thoughts. They sounded like really ghetto trashy fucked up people and kept repeating a barrage of cuss words, shouting into my brain “bitch ass nig motha fucka shithead douchbag asshole fuck fuck fuck..” and so on. I couldn’t make them go away.
This madness went on for about 3 hours. Finally I decided to eat because I hadn’t in over 15 hours and felt kind of weak. I fixed myself some really healthy cereal with raisins, strawberries, and raspberries and then went outside to eat it. It was about 7 and the sun had begun to rise in a fuchsia glow behind the clouds. I turned and saw a black flash and my cat reappeared on my balcony and went inside. I felt so much relief with her return I almost cried again. With this sign and the new day I finally found hope and redemption-rebirth. I gazed at the tree out my window and still saw the fractal molecules of love that it was flowing with. I stared at it intently and saw it breathing-full of energy and life. I watched the water vapor molecules that formed clouds in the distance morph and swirl with the wind. They turned into images of people and animals and I saw a historic play take place inside of them. Ancient looking Asian women were washing clothes in a river one moment and then the scene would shift to a tiger hunting its prey, so on so forth. This captivated me and I felt like it was a web of history of the earth. I began to let go of the fear until it was no longer dominating me. After a while visuals stopped and I realized my trip was over. It was now about 8:30 and I was ready to sleep. I smoked a bowl and went to bed.
This trip was really complicated. It was the most intense, enlightening, and painful one I had ever had. I spent the complete following day putting my mind back together and coming in terms with reality. It was my first candyflip, first bad acid trip, and most acid I had ever taken. Of these things, it probably won’t be my last. Because I entered a lower realm, I really wanted to try and dose again, but decided to give my mind at least a week or so to recover. Even though the ending was only bittersweet, this trip changed my life for the better. I feel like I truly understand the mysteries of life and my purpose in the puzzle- to give and manifest love. I decided to start attending Kundalini yoga at least twice a week as well as to give smoking weed a break (for the past 3 months I had been smoking incessantly and for the first time in my life began experiencing lapses of memory that comes with THC saturation). I no longer would allow myself to abuse my mind, my body, and my soul by not appreciating marijuana for the sacrament it is. This experience was yesterday, but I have been keeping true to myself so far and intend to hold my enlightenment within and continue tripping periodically to stay in touch with my true nature.
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