Citation: Runner. "Allowing Death Bizarre Mindscape: An Experience with DMT (exp87505)". Erowid.org. Oct 9, 2010. erowid.org/exp/87505
||(powder / crystals)
After spending hours upon hours of digging through an incredible stock of information my senior year of high school, I was pretty ready to do an experiment or two myself. I was a runner in high school (still am now), and in the free period I had before running my senior year, Iíd taken to spending about 30 minutes doing a mindfulness meditation I learned from ďMindfulness in Plain English.Ē I wasnít all that serious about it, but serious enough that I was getting some insight into the nature of my mind and thoughts and such; and in general was starting to become happier and more aware. Coupled with the intensity of running I was doing in the gorgeous forest by my high school, I was feeling pretty healthy mentally. The only other things Iíd done before DMT was one mushroom trip that went swimmingly (a warm day on the beach), but wasnít all that intense or introspective, and a fair amount of pot smoking during breaks, which was intense and introspective.
This trip starts midway through my first semester at college, where Iím running D1 (injured and a little over my team) and making a point meditating daily. Iíd gotten lucky (and I mean lucky) in my home town picking up 400mg of DMT for $40. Iím pretty sure the guy who extracted it was in the room when I bought it. The night before ingestion, I had a dream. Iím trying to stop some robbers and get caught in the middle of a gun fight between them and a friend of mine whoís trying to help me. When the fight is over, I look down to see that Iíve been shot in the heart. I touch the wound, and numb spreads throughout my body. I fall to my knees and realize Iím dying, right then and there. At first Iím terrified and want to fight, donít want to believe that this is it and Iím scared of whatís going to happen to me. However, as Iím fading out, I pull myself together and force the thought Ďthis experience only happens once in a life, experience it.í I accept that Iím dying, and start to fade into an incredibly altered state that is dying, itís so real (I still think that that dream is a peak at death). Death itself wakes me up.
So the trip itself starts here. Iím way more nervous than I thought Iíd be; after reading intense reports online, I donít have a clue where Iím going. Iíll tell everyone who wants to try DMT that though the ride was crazy, it was smooth and gentle. Also Iím holding a crack pipe full of crystals. I plug the hole at the top, hold the lighter under the glass till the crystals melt and bubble, then put my mouth on, take my finger off, and pull. It looked like there wasnít going to be anything but vapor, but once I start to breath it turns opaque. I hit as big as I can, but my runner lungs cough easily, and though Iím straining to hold it in and not cough, I spew out the plastic air, and set the pipe down on a towel Iíd folded up just for that purpose. Then I lay back and get ready, I can already tell thereís something going on.
One thing Iíd been paying particular attention to in mediation the week leading up to this was making sure I could be comfortable in bizarre mindscapes. Namely, once I could get my mind focused on my breath and my awareness up for a bit of time, I was being particularly careful not to snap out of the state because of the oddness of it (which I should always do, I was just being particularly careful that week). So when the odd DMT feeling comes rushing in, Iím trying to let go of anything thatís fighting it. As it comes in, the entire way my mind works starts to change, itís just not at all similar to day to day consciousness. I try to describe that to friends but thereís really no words, your connection to reality just isnít the same.
Now, Iím trying hard to let go into this, but it feels like to go into the trip is to die, like the things that Iím ďletting go ofĒ are my life. Which isnít unreasonable, anyway. And it felt just like my dream, when I let it happen, when I said itís okay, lets do this. Falling into DMT space was just like falling into death in my dream. I literally went through the process of accepting that I might really die, and that if I do I need to let go anyway (this is not to say that DMT is even close to deadly, but I was on drugs). Keeping my cool and allowing this all to happen was quite profound.
Now the trip didnít last too long, I think, my dose wasnít huge, and I definitely didnít break through. Iím not sure if I remembered all of it when I came down, but everything I do remember I still remember now, about a year later. Once again, the most important thing to relate was that the mind was not the same on DMT as it was under normal conditions. Think about an observer standing a ways off from an object, trying to get information from it. Then think about that observer scooting around the object 90 degrees, still at the same distance, and seeing it differently. Now extrapolate that concept from the dimensions of space to the dimensions of mind. I had moved from one coordinate of mind from which I have only moved around a little since my memory began, to an entirely different one. I had my eyes closed, so I guess the object I was observing was mind itself, and that this sentence even makes sense to describe what Iím trying to say is testament to how deeply different this all was.
As far as the trippy shit part of the trip goes, I remember very rapidly going through scenes in the mind, not visual as if I were seeing them, but as if I were remembering or imagining them, all kind of M. C. Escher like. And of course, they made sense really only in that mindspace, and itís hard to think about or remember them now. For a while, my mind could be described as the top of a pillar that was extending down a space, arcing up and bouncing off the ground to make another arc (thatís right, my mind was that). These arcs were parabolic(y) in shape, however, I want to make it very clear that they werenít exactly parabolas. Iím a physics major, and Iíve seen plenty of parabolas, and this arc that my mind was, was not one, though it was very similar. My point being, of course, that the way my mind was working was very different. Now, I started off telling this story in the present tense, basically to stimulate my imagination and memory, and kind of put myself there again, but I canít talk about the trip itself like that: I canít ďgo there.Ē I can remember the events, but I canít relive them, almost in the way I can remember events described to me.
Anyway, it came to a pretty smooth halt, and I felt strange for about a half an hour after, physically almost like there was some force against me, but I didnít have to work harder than normal to move or anything. I couldnít sleep that night, although I was tired. I tried DMT a while later, but because of the harshness of the smoke, and trying to breath it in steadily instead of in a big quick hit, I managed really to just feel very off. Once again I couldnít sleep. I still have a bunch, but havenít felt compelled to try it since. Iím planning to celebrate my one year anniversary of beginning daily meditation with it, which is coming up soon. Thatís my story.
Hopefully Iíll have more to come. Good luck in all your adventures, they are much more real when doing them than when reading about them.
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