Started Off Playful...
Citation: Trojan. "Started Off Playful...: An Experience with Clonazepam (exp88598)". Erowid.org. Nov 29, 2018. erowid.org/exp/88598
I feel like I have to tell this story to get the the full mental effect of how a normal, high school, straight-A, all-state football player fell into the hell of a deep benzo addiction.
It all started one night when I had been under the weather for awhile. One night a group of friends had encouraged me to go to a party, just to get out of the house and try and feel better. I was reluctant, as I was still sick and in sort of an irritated mood, I finally went with my two best friends and my girlfriend. To shorten this story, an unknown attendant of the party was being extremely friendly with my girlfriend, I told him to knock it off and he gave me a smart-ass remark, being sick and irritated as it was and naturally over-protective of my girlfriend for 3 years, I immediately struck him with a swift, strong uppercut. Me and my girlriend left immediately. I soon found out that I had broken his orbital bone and he would have to have surgery, he was in ICU for 3 days. I was then arrested for aggravated battery which is a class 3 felony and could be looking at 5-8 years in prison, obviously ending my dream of being a doctor.
That story is relevant because the anxiety I experienced from the upcoming trial and consuquences literally made me sick. I couldn't eat, sleep, and barely function. I was a nervous wreck.
Then one day, my life would change forvever. I was cleaning my mom's bathroom, when I came across a large prescription bottle of little green pills. I had always been a weed smoker and an occasional drinker but only had tried hydrocodone once or twice but was always interested in pharmaceuticals. Reading the label, I noticed it said clonazepam and it directed her to take half a tablet nightly as needed for restless leg syndrome. Being curious and deeply anxious, I took 2 pills to research later.
I went online and researched this drug for a solid 4 hours, no exaggeration. Finally, it seemed like the right drug for my current mood. One day after school, I came home, alone, and took the two green pills broken in half, for a total of 2 milligrams. They were generic for Klonopin. After about 30 minutes I knew my life was permanently changed, I felt like the perfect buzz of alcohol with no nausea, I had slight uncoordination, yet could control my movements. My muscles were all relaxed and loose and very comfortable. But my mind was the real treat, there was not a trace of anxiety, worry, sadness, or really a care at all. I was perfectly content with life and things couldnt have been better. I knew I wanted to feel like this all the time. I was so motivated about everything going on in my life. My came home home and I quickly helped her with all chores and asked if and errands needed to be done. I had to drive to the drycleaner's which was a trip in itself, driving seemed so fun and carefree. The rest of my night I watched my random television programs with my parents and felt extremely happy and social. Soon after I went to bed.
I woke up without any feeling of a hangover and still felt anxiety-free, I decided I didn't want to lose that feeling so I grabbed one more pill before school. All through the day I felt perfect, not too tired, not too jittery, just right. I finished all my homework and had great discussions with all my teachers. I decided from that point that I did not want to experience life without being under the influence of clonazapam. After a week or so, I started to notice that I had been taking alot of pills so I realized that soon, I would need another source so my mom would not catch on. I went to the doctor to complain of anxiety and insomnia ( I knew the symptoms to exhibit to get a good chance at a benzo prescription, after alot of warning and worry talk he finally decided to give me a script: quantity 60, 1 mg clonazepam to be taken at bed my mouth daily. I was estatic. If I only knew the pains and problems that little green pill would create soon after...
After about a month of daily abuse, my friends started to get worried. They told me I needed help and that I should stop, but that only led to more pill-popping. I would have horrible mood swings and always be getting in physical altercations, I was violent, rude, manipulative and basically not myself or someone you wanted to be around. Every night I would end up blacking out, not remembering any events and usually made a fool of myself and was always causing trouble. After more criminal charges, after losing every friend I had ever made and worst after losing my girlfriend of 4 years and the love of my life, I realized I hit rock bottom.
I was using up to 10-12 mg a day and had to buy more off the street to support my habit. It had been 4 months since I had taken the first pill. My doctor started to get suspicious and cut off my script, even worse, my dealer was arrested. That night I took what I had left and figured I would deal with finding more in the morning. I swallowed 14 1 mg clonazepam along with 2 1 mg xanax(alprozolam) I'm not sure what happened that night but I know I got into a very serious fight with my parents.
I woke up the next morning, and as a usual morning went to my bottle of klonnies. There was none. Checked my mom's bottle, empty. I had the strongest sensation of anxiety, disphoria, and depression all rush over me at once. It finally hit me. The last 4 months had been a blur. They had flown by in the chemical stupor I was in all the time and I finally realized that I had a serious problem.
It finally hit me. The last 4 months had been a blur. They had flown by in the chemical stupor I was in all the time and I finally realized that I had a serious problem.
I decided then to go to my mom and come clean. I started to tell her the story of the last 4 months and ended up breaking down and spilling my guts. Luckily, she was extremely supportive and I got into rehab that day. I spent 2 weeks in detox and the next 3 months in intensive inpatient rehab, followed by 2 more months of out-patient. It has been 4 months since I took my last benzo and it will be the last. The withdrawals pushed me to suicide, not to mention every relationship I had ever built was ruined. It took me along time to convince my friends that I am now clean and sober and have never been happier.
I wanted to share this story to warn others of the power of pharmaceuticals. I was just a normal kid and I never thought addiction could happen to me, but it did and it came close to ruining my life. I'm not saying dont do drugs obviously, but one should always be educated about what substances they putting in their body, always have a deep respect for the psychological effects these drugs can have on one's brain and body, and most importantly, always stay in control of one's use.
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