DOSE:

20 - 500 mg

oral

Diphenhydramine

(pill / tablet)

BODY WEIGHT:

190 lb

I have had anxiety issues for years - and a dependency bordering on addiction relationship with xanax, clonazepam and vicodin. Whenever I do not have anything, I default back to diphenhydramine/benadryl. Even to bridge the gap, it does the trick, but barely.

I say barely because I've had experiences that wander all over the scale. On one hand I have made it through a few days and even up to 5 on benadryl alone. It's just a godsend when I can stop that and get my normal medication (which I am horrible about pacing). The one thing it does, for me, consistently 100% is calm me down by a very small amount. And to reach this slight calming sensation, I originally had it a 1 or 2 tablets.

As time went on, I found myself taking far more than I needed, or had any business taking. I reached a point where I'd have taken 12 25mg tablets at a time and then follow up with 6 more an hour or two later. Then 6 more after that. In almost every instance I would vomit - my body just saying no way.

The straw that broke the camel's back happened this Christmas. My family had a feeling I was not doing well on some level but didn't know why. They knew I had lost a few jobs, been injured, just had a rough year. They smelled something was up. Some substance. One morning I took 20, 25MG tablets.

Disaster.

I could not walk right, I could not talk right, I could not see right and I had no place to hide. Done, game over, they do an intervention.

The problem was, in the time that it took for them to regroup and decide how to approach me, I had already peaked and was on my way down. Thus I could speak intelligently and defend myself - causing all sorts of confusion because I had just spent the last 3 hours on another planet than theirs. They told me things I have no idea of, including some kind of story I concocted that I needed to take a drive to a sandwich shop because dinner didn't turn out right. Before dinner started. Just - bizarre.

Now I've seen some of the hallucinations too - they've never been as bad as I've read except for one night I stared at myself in the mirror for about 5 minutes saying nothing. Then I sat down in front of the tv and thought for sure there was a witch behind me, because of a reflection in the glass. It only lasted for a few moments but for those few moments in my head I was saying 'oh... my... God...'

On the other hand, I've had slightly euphoric moments - but they are so brief that the moment its over, I'm questioning whether or not to take another 6 or so.

My last, terrible experience happened at work. I took 12 on the way in. By the time I reached work, my heart was racing, my hands were shaking. I got dizzy. Ears were ringing. I was completely spacing out. Awful. I was sure that I was going to black out again. I was definitely slurring my words, but tried not to talk as much as possible. I have no idea what this looks like from the outside but I know what it's like from inside. I was petrified at the thought of someone coming in to talk to me especially my boss or one of my employees - I am not sure I would have been able to speak. My plan was to just sit at my desk holding the office phone handset. Honestly. Once it got that bad, I went and got a chamomile tea (no idea why my work has both Sleepy Time tea and Chamomile tea) and took my laptop into a conference room and hid for about 45 minutes with the lights off and an old presentation open. I reserved the room and everything. I think it worked because the very first thing I made myself do was to go straight to my boss with a couple questions.

I feel horrible even writing this. I know I am coming off as a space shot. These things are truly mind altering but 95% of the time, negatively mind altering. I also believe they are addictive. Because as I type this I am considering taking more to get myself through the day because I am having a mild panic attack.

And I just did.

Exp Year: 2011	ExpID: 89068
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 34
Published: Mar 26, 2020	Views: 3,555
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Diphenhydramine (109) : Various (28), Addiction & Habituation (10), Retrospective / Summary (11)