DOSE:

1 - 2 hit

oral

LSD

(blotter / tab)

BODY WEIGHT:

14 st

I'd taken LSD twice before. I'd wanted to do acid since I found out about it, at 12yo. I was drawn to the shift in consciousness that it promised, all that. Once was at a party, a few weeks before this experience, I was also smoking weed/hash and probably had a beer or two, although I don't remember what I drank. That first time was fine. The experience was enjoyable, mild. Some cool visuals - cartoons playing out on a towel that was hanging on the clothes horse in front of me, giggles with friends, stuff like that. I couldn't go fully into my trip because I had a friend with me who got really paranoid and negative so I had to help him through it. But other than that, it was generally a good experience.

The second time wasn't good. I was with my brother and a good friend and I was tripping balls, terrified. There was this constant nice, happy, interesting elevation really high, up to the crest of a wave and then, BAM!, crashed down into the depths of nothingness and despair again. It was so horrific. I hated that feeling.

This time was completely different, though. I had some (one or two tabs) left over from one of the other times and I decided to take on my own terms, on my own, in my family house, when everyone else was gone. Thinking about the creative brilliance it seems to bestow on some people, I optimistically set out some coloured paper, pastels and other art materials on the floor of my room. I thought of going out to enjoy the garden a bit, chill out with my trip and maybe do some drawing. Things did not turn out the way I'd planned them...

So I took the tabs and was waiting a good while, nothing happening. I didn't get any stroke of artistic brilliance, did not feel the urge to connect with nature or do anything fun or interesting. I wasn't having visuals or hallucinations, no interesting thoughts or mental experiences. After a while of just being mildly bored with this clearly failed trip, I decided to have a shower. In the bathroom, I ended up sitting on the toilet lid, frozen with terror, as this voice very clearly told me over and over again to kill myself. It was a disembodied voice. I knew it was inside, rather than external. I didn't think there was a being there or anything. It was just this voice. It said over and over again, in a very firm way, 'Kill yourself.' It shocked and panicked me and terrified and horrified me. I thought, 'What?! What?! What?!' And it just kept repeating that. Obviously unwilling to kill myself and wondering was it some sort of magnified suicidal ideation that I'd experienced on and off during my life since I was about 11, I just stayed sitting there, hearing it but not doing anything about it, just drowning in terror.

I did finally have my shower. That voice stayed with me for that trip and even after it, for months, recurring to me. I've been thinking about that trip so much since. Even two years later, I can't find an answer to it. It may be just that – an amplification of the idea to kill myself that I've had before, at times. Or it may have been a spiritual death that was implied. Some people report 'spiritual death' from psychedelics and this 'death' causing them great enlightenment and freedom. I guess I wasn't “brave” enough to find out if it would do the same to me ...

[My conclusion from this: Psychoactives like LSD are emotionally dangerous and, while they should not be banned from human research and healing applications, their availability should be limited to people who are using them for the right purposes – e.g. psychotherapy, informed spirituality etc.]

* * *

Exp Year: 2009	ExpID: 90433
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 21
Published: Jun 17, 2020	Views: 707
[ View PDF (to print) ] [ View LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Swap Dark/Light ]
LSD (2) : Post Trip Problems (8), Difficult Experiences (5), Alone (16)