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Absolute Love and Hate
by Psychonaut
Citation:   Psychonaut. "Absolute Love and Hate: An Experience with Mushrooms (exp91471)". Erowid.org. Sep 26, 2019. erowid.org/exp/91471

3.5 g oral Mushrooms


I’ve done psilocybin mushrooms a handful of times before this experience, but this one was by far the most intense. My roommate and I both wanted to up the ante this time around by not only each taking an eighth, something neither of us had done before, but also by trying something I’ve read about online called the lemon tek method. This method involves grinding up the shrooms as finely as possible and mixing them into lemon juice (or something comparatively acidic; I tend to use lime juice as I think it’s more acidic but it probably doesn’t matter). I’ve done this before with half an eighth and the trip was noticeably more intense than usual; I felt as if I briefly came in contact with some sort of female entity/deity for the first time.

We decided to trip in our dorm room since we guessed that we’d probably be too incapacitated to go outside; we turned out to be right. We ground up the shrooms as finely as we could and let them sit in lime juice for about 15 minutes. We proceeded to choke it all down (the mixture tastes far worse than dry shrooms) and waited to blast off while playing video games and listening to music.

The come up was quick, as it always is with the lemon tek method. The point of it is to get as much psilocybin in the bloodstream as quickly as possible. Vivid colors and patterns took over the room and the music became more fantastic and beautiful. My roommate and I spoke in awe about the amazing body highs we were getting, accompanied by that fluttery feeling in my stomach that I usually get when shrooming. The walls went from becoming shimmering film-like substances (almost like curtains) to disappearing completely, being replaced by a vast void filled with small spherical objects. They seemed to look like the pegs in the video game we were playing, Peggle. These spheres turned into eyes as I increasingly felt a spiritual connection to the universe and humankind, a feeling which I’ve gotten since doing shrooms for the first time. I decided to put some isochronic tones on my iPod speakers to see if they would make us trip harder, and they did. I felt as if they were attached to me. The progression of the frequencies made me feel as if I were floating on some sort of sonic ocean, the waves being the ups and downs of the progression. After this point I began to lose my sense of identity and began feeling as if I’ve lived and died countless lives before; my sense of connection with every other human on earth increased and became very intimate. I felt not only that I could identify with all of them, but that I WAS all of them.
my sense of connection with every other human on earth increased and became very intimate. I felt not only that I could identify with all of them, but that I WAS all of them.
This feeling seemed to confirm my idea that there is some sort of collective unconsciousness that humans all share, and that our species may really just be one living entity or mind. I felt as if I had melted into this single mind, bouncing from one consciousness to the next. One of these lives that I felt I had lived stuck out to me, and I felt for some odd reason as if I were some Indian boy living in some other place or time. I felt as if I had grown up learning Indian and Hindu customs; although I didn’t actually mentally recall anything I had “grown up learning,” I inexplicably felt Hindu. It’s the best way I can describe that complex emotion. That’s when I encountered my female entity/deity for the second time.

“It’s her again.” I explained to my roommate. This time around the room seemed to become this entity as opposed to the last time I came in contact with her when it seemed like she was inside my mind. I felt euphoria like I never have before as the walls completely disappeared in the room, replaced instead by a multitude of figures engaged in intercourse. The colors and patterns I saw were so vivid and wild that they were almost incomprehensible to me. The feelings of the body high, euphoria, and sense of connection to humankind all seemed to blend into one very complex emotion: the deity wordlessly explained to me that I was having sex with everyone in the world at the same time. I closed my eyes and ran my hands through my hair and over my face as I fucked the world, something I typically do when rolling very hard. I still felt the very strange feeling that I was Hindu, and the entity I was communicating with also seemed very Hindu. I came to the conclusion that she was probably Kali or Parvati or some incarnation of the universal Hindu energy, Brahman. In any case, I felt a sense of infinite love as everything I looked at in my dorm room seemed to be made of figures having sex. The colors and the patterns reached their peak and I felt as though my soul was having an orgasm. “I’m a rock star,” I explained to my roommate. It sounded funny when I said it, but it was the best way I could describe my feelings at the time. My roommate and I decided to venture out into the hallway at some point during this time for some reason; then I remembered that we had to pee. We checked our reflections in the bathroom mirror to discover that our pupils looked like saucers, dominating our irises. After awkwardly running into someone that lived on our floor, we returned back to the room. I was still peaking, feeling like I was not only having sex with the world but with this goddess of love that I had recently met also. The tip of this peak felt like the end of an orgasm, and as I looked around the room everything seemed wet. It was almost as if the goddess had orgasmed as well. “Did I just throw up? What happened? Everything looks wet.” I said to my roommate. He simply said, “I dunno. I feel like I’m gonna bust a nut.” I laughed, and we continued to joke and laugh about various things until I started losing my mind.

At this point the trip took a turn for the worse. I suddenly was losing the ability to know what was going on around me. I somehow created a false memory and began to think, horrified, that people outside of our room were somehow alerted to the fact that my roommate and I were ridiculously fucked up on shrooms. This paranoia grew until I thought that RA’s and cops were onto us; they knew exactly what we were up to and were coming to get us. I thought that I might have thrown up in the hallway or something, and hallucinated voices outside of my door that presumably belonged to RA’s. They were saying things along the lines of, “You can’t tell me you didn’t just see that. EW. Those kids are disgusting. We’re gonna have to call somebody about this.” I began to grow very scared, although realistically I had no reason to be since I didn’t actually do anything incriminating. I asked my roommate again if I had done anything sketchy. “I dunno,” he said again. This seemed to be his catchphrase for the night. He was probably off in his own hallucinatory world.

I began to pace back and forth in my room, becoming increasingly paranoid. Suddenly I was hit with a huge wave of nausea. I fumbled for my trashcan and collapsed on my futon, heaving a few times into it and producing thick vomit. My roommate laughed and said, “Ohhh shit! Son you’re going ham!” I lay on my futon like a sick dog for a while as paranoia swelled in my brain. “This can’t be happening,” I said in disbelief. “My life is over. I’ve already been written up for weed once, I’m gonna get expelled! No no no no no!” I got up and started pacing around again, practically psychotic with the fear that the police and RA’s were coming to get me. “We gotta throw everything out the window!” I looked around my room to see that everything seemed incriminating; beer pong cups everywhere, my weed, scale, grinder.. I tried stuffing one of the beer pong cups we used for our shroom concoction into a small bag, which actually was pretty humorous at the time considering the futility of my efforts. My roommate laughed and said to me that it was all in my head and that I was just tripping on shrooms. It seemed all too real to me, however.
My roommate laughed and said to me that it was all in my head and that I was just tripping on shrooms. It seemed all too real to me, however.
“Fuck. We’re asleep we’re asleep we’re asleep. Lights out. You can’t come in. They can’t come in if the lights are off.” I said partially to myself as I turned off the lights in my room and curled into the fetal position on my futon. My visual hallucinations reached an incomprehensible peak as my mind filled in the blanks in the darkness. I intermittently got up and paced around frantically to the amusement of my roommate, scared to death that I was somehow going to get kicked out of school. He suggested to me that I should just relax and let it happen, and that it’s all in my mind (by it he meant my trip). I, however, perceived this “it” to mean my imminent arrest and expulsion. I told him that I couldn’t let this just happen. He repeated that it was all in my mind, and for a moment in the darkness I believed that I could control the outcome of the situation with my mind. I believed that if I focused hard enough, I could prevent anyone from coming in the room. This feeling was capricious, however, and I succumbed to fear as I lay on my futon. I could have sworn I heard sirens outside as my identity began to fluctuate once again.

“YOU’RE GAY!” This idea suddenly burst into my mind as if someone had put a megaphone into my brain and shouted the words. “What the fuck?” was pretty much all I thought in response. I suddenly began to relive the lives of others as I had before earlier in the trip, but this time I relived very, very rough lives. Pain, suffering, and hatred directed towards me were all my soul felt during this experience. I didn’t think I was actually gay, but for some reason I just accepted this idea, like I was told a million times and finally just submitted to it. A couple of the lives that my soul quickly flew though were of gay people that were scorned by society. The others were similarly ostracized; another example being when I felt like several shameless homeless people at certain points, the kind that sleep in public and cause passersbys to shake their heads in disgust. I don’t recall most of the little conversation I made with my roommate during this period, but at one point he said, fittingly, “some people just don’t understand the lives we live man. We just do a lot of wild and stupid shit.” He was playing a music video on his laptop by some methed out redneck rapper named Riff Raff at the time, and I began to hear myself in his lyrics. I don’t recall exactly what stuck out to me, but the idea was that my life wasn’t pretty, that it was for all to see, and that is what not to be envied. I believed suddenly: “I am Riff Raff.” The meaning for this thought was twofold, as I literally thought that my whole life was a hallucination and that I was, in reality, the man I was currently watching on my roommates computer screen. I also thought about the definition of the words, riff raff meaning “the masses” or “the common people.” This definition perfectly fit the identity crisis-like scenario I was going through at the moment.

As I lay in the darkness at the end of my trip, I lost all sense of identity completely. I entered a fugue state, not knowing where I was, who I was, or who I was with. I thought I had died; the ordeal I went through was unimaginably taxing on my psyche and I thought it had killed me. I asked my roommate where we were and who we were, under the impression that we both had died and that our souls were about to move on to our next lives. “I just wanna remember everything,” my roommate said at one point. I thought he was referring to his past life and agreed, although he was obviously referring to his trip. I thought that this mysterious goddess that showed me the two outer limits of the spectrum of love and hate had placed us both in a sort of waiting room, and just before I thought we were about to pass through the wall and out into eternity, onto our next lives, I snapped back to reality.

“..Whoa,” was pretty much all I could say to sum up my trip. We retired to bed soon after, but then a couple of our friends came in our room to ask us about our spiritual journeys. We explained to them as best we could, and I was made fun of when trying to explain the loss of my senses of identity and gender. “So you’re sure you’re not gay?” I was asked, “are you coming out right now?” We all laughed and joked about it, but it was an experience that I will never forget.

Exp Year: 2011ExpID: 91471
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 18 
Published: Sep 26, 2019Views: 2,862
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Mushrooms (39) : General (1), Difficult Experiences (5), Bad Trips (6), Sex Discussion (14), Entities / Beings (37), Small Group (2-9) (17)

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