DOSE:		smoked	Cannabis
		smoked	Tobacco

Meditation has always been a source of mystery for me, and I love mystery. I first remember doing a guided meditation the summer I was 13 at a drum making class. I was being guided to an island and I met my spirit guide, or at least that’s what I believe it to be. I have only seen him since in a dream, so maybe not. When I was 15, we would meditate every day before the start of theater class. I took part in a Buddhist meditation once, which was interesting. I know how to get in and out of the meditative state, and I’ve done it accidentally many times when I’ve smoked weed. I started wanting to meditate on purpose again in the past few months but I never really get around to doing it. I don’t know at what level to put myself for meditative proficiency. I know a few things, but what I don’t know is greater than what I know. I seriously meditated last night. Some really strange shit happened, and I don’t know what to make of it.

I started the night (July 20th) around 7 PM with some diluted vodka and Gatorade (Gross, I know, I just wanted to get drunk, don’t judge.) I was kinda tipsy for a little bit, then I ate dinner, and I wasn’t tipsy anymore. Let me repeat: I was NOT DRUNK.

A couple hours passed, I watched a movie and rolled a spliff. It was after 12:30 at night. I opened the front screen door, and as I did so I thought I heard a quick, small step to my right, by the bushes. Like someone was hiding because I came outside. I stopped breathing and I waited, but I couldn’t sense a person. I was a tad unnerved, but I trust my intuition. It’s saved me from serious trouble in the past. There was not an actual person in the bushes. I spoke out, “Who’s over there?” or something close to that. No answer, because there was no person there. I told myself it was an animal, and for all I know, it was. I brushed it off, very quickly forgot about it, and walked to the steps outside my house, facing the yard. I have a huge front yard, with a wild garden and lots of grass, overbearing trees to the side. There also aren’t many lights, and you can see the stars and the velvety blue sky. It’s really a beautiful place. So I smoked the spliff, I was going slow, but it’s a spliff, you know, 10 minutes would be pushing the length of time it took to smoke it. I felt really stoned. The tobacco/weed combo really makes me sink into my surroundings, making me heavy, almost furniture-like. The wind was blowing soft and warm. It was hot and sticky all day, over 90, and still kind of was. Then the thought appeared in my head that I should meditate. It’s like the thought was there all along, and was actually why I rolled the spliff, went outside, and sat in a comfortable but not too comfortable position to begin with. Like there was this plan my brain made without letting me know, and only revealed it to me when it so pleased. Just to recap, I sat with my legs out in front of me, facing the world, with my left hand palm down, protecting the roach so it wouldn’t fly away, and my right hand resting on my legs, palm up, ready to accept. Maybe both should have been facing up. I dunno.

I started my meditation taking slow, deep breaths through my nose and out through my mouth until I was completely present. For every inhalation I imagined taking in white light (but not light, it’s just the closest thing I can to explain what it was) and exhaling smoke. With each exhalation my mind grew emptier, and upon each inhalation I filled my body with the light. Several times during the process my head fell to the side and I almost fell asleep, but I picked my head up off my shoulder and continued. My head stopped falling. I heard the drone of my neighbor’s air conditioner switch on, and at for a second it made me annoyed, but it added a nice white noise and it helped. When I was ready, I started moving the light through my body, starting at my toes and working my way up to the top of my head. Every time I finished going over a part of my body with the light (I would move it through that part several times to really feel it) the wind would blow and that part (a hand or leg or whatever) would feel cooler. I no longer felt the heat outside. When my entire body was glowing (brightest spot was my chest) I felt like a beacon of white light. I was ecstatic. Then the visions appeared. I was jumping, cart wheeling, flipping, dancing, and laughing and I looked like the hottest white/orange coals inside a fire. That’s what I was made up of, but without the heat, or without heat I could feel. There was lava flying off of my skin and I reveled in it.

Then I was lying in a wheelbarrow, relaxed. Then a close friend was pushing me in it, and we were smiling and I looked back at him and it was bliss but I had more important things to do in this meditation than think about him, so I breathed him out with the smoke and he was gone. I was alone for a moment, and then someone else was pushing me, but I don’t really know who. I breathed them out. Then I was being pushed by no one, but I was traveling down a dirt path lined with grass. The sides of the path dropped off, and we were going up a mountain. I was still the only person, but I felt the presence of something with me, some force.

At the top of the mountain, I stood alone, looking out. At first there was land beneath me, thousands of feet down. I turned to the right, and I saw water. I turned back to the left, and the land was gone, replaced with more water. The sea. And while I was looking, from behind me the path pulled back, and I twisted and saw the mountain I was on shrinking. I was alone, and the mountain turned to a pillar of old, white stone. It was dark, the waves crashed and the wind tried to blow me over but I knew I wouldn’t fall. I watched myself sit there in the pouring rain, now only hundreds of feet above the ocean. I sat calmly, hands around my knees. And I had a rain jacket. I didn’t look happy or sad, I was just waiting it out. I looked annoyed. It sucked, but I knew it wouldn’t be, couldn’t be, forever. And then it was calm. It was morning. The sea was green and opaque. There were other stone columns just like mine, but I couldn’t see anyone on them. Just stone columns in the middle of the sea.

And this is where everything changed. In one instant I wasn’t in the sea anymore. I was in someone’s living room or bedroom. I’m almost positive I was in a room with my ex-best friend, K, and someone else. I was sitting off to the side of a glowing t.v. The other person was to the right of me, a girl, but I didn’t see her. K was lying belly up on the couch, stretched out on the other side of the t.v. I saw her pink glasses, but I don’t know if she wears them anymore. I heard one sentence, spoken by a female, “I can’t believe he said that.”

I was so thrown off from hearing that voice and being in that dark room, lit only by the glow of the television. I knew my body was not around other people, but I distinctly heard that voice filtering straight through my right ear canal. I was scared that someone was next to me and I couldn’t sense them because I was so far away. I made my body speak, or at least, I opened my mouth and made a sound because I couldn’t form words, and I knew then that the voice had not come from me or from someone physically standing next to me, there just wasn’t enough vibration in my ear for that to be the case. Whatever was going on, I needed to get back to my body. I had to stop. I’ve never felt scared while meditating before.

I wanted to just stand up and go inside, but I knew that I had to come back properly. I started taking deep breaths again, bringing myself back to the world around me. I don’t know how many I took, but I opened my eyes. I felt extremely heavy. I couldn’t move. I just sat there. I couldn’t see the light coming from my body, but I didn’t feel normal again. I had to take a shit. I had to vomit. I eventually moved my left arm. Easy. I moved my right arm. Easy. My pulse was fast. I sat there a few moments, barely thinking, gauging if I would make it to the house. I thought I was going to shit my pants. I decided to make a break for it to try to walk the three descending steps and twenty feet to the front door, and then to the bathroom. I swung my legs, like lead, to the right, grabbed the matches and the roach, and made it down the stairs. At the bottom all I could do was stand there and sway. Everything that happened after that is confusing, but I’m trying to explain it the best I can.

I got warm, and I felt a huge rush of white light straight to my dome piece (more than a standard head rush). I couldn’t see a thing, only the white light, couldn’t hear anything, think anything, it was just nothing. I was nothing. Everything around me was obliterated, it never existed. I don’t remember if I grabbed on to anything, there was another set of stairs leading down behind me, and I could have just fallen backwards. I lurched forward. I didn’t remember that I had a goal, I wasn’t thinking, but my body persevered. I don’t remember telling my body to move, and I don’t remember moving. But I did, and I fell, and I kept trying to stand straight and walk but I couldn’t, I just jerked, I just kept falling and struggling to move forward, just hurting myself. I had no control, and on a level I recognized that this wasn’t normally how things went. I didn’t know where I was, who I was. I wasn’t scared for myself, however I was scared that my dad (asleep upstairs) would come outside and freak to see his 19 year old daughter having a seizure or something in the front yard. Right before I collapsed, I remember looking behind me and being surprised that I had moved from the steps.

And then I shut down. When I came to I was sitting, leaning over, limbs akimbo, like they didn’t know what they were used for or how to sit. Like I said, I don’t understand the thought process (or lack of one) I had going on. I had opened myself up to whatever this was, and I had to ride it out. I was alone. Then I realized that I had just been moving, and I kind of recalled falling into the spot that I landed in. I was looking toward the forest. The white light was gone, replaced with pulsating Technicolor patterns that weren’t just in front of me, but through me as well. I’ve had acid flashbacks before, and maybe that contributed, but it was more than that. I felt like this was something I was being shown, something I had to go through to progress. Or maybe I’m just delusional like I’ve always thought. I didn’t remember right then the meditation, I just felt like I had been doing some drug I would get yelled at about.

I recognized that I was in my own front yard. And that I hadn’t shit myself. And I was about to hurl.

I crawled to the dirt and unleashed the contents of my stomach, red ooze. It was terrible but it was like poison leaving my body. When I was done, I sat on the ground for a few moments, then got up and got the hose. I stumbled a little bit, but I was fine. I was exhausted, but I didn’t fall asleep. When I crawled into bed it was 2:05. From the time I went outside to smoke to the time I got into bed was about an hour and 15 minutes. The meditation was shorter than the aftermath.

I don’t know what to do now, why this happened…I’m thinking it could be from trying to get up before I was ready, I knew I didn’t take the time necessary to get back to base, but fear made me act…that’s too simple an explanation for such a strange reaction though. My legs weren’t asleep. Before I stood up all was well, minus thinking I was going to have brown mess all down my legs. Sorry, that’s gross, but really. I blacked out from a marijuana fucking cigarette and meditation. Hahaha, I never thought I would ever say that. There is no family history of seizures, and I highly doubt it was a seizure, but I’m not ruling it out. I’ve never fainted. I’ve never had a concussion. I have a strong stomach. I’ve experienced the clear white light before after smoking DMT, but it made me divinely ecstatic. The difference this time is I got the light that makes everything leave, I saw different patterns than I did before, I puked, and I didn’t feel happy. I can’t say I was unhappy though, even while puking. I was in shock. Now I’m fucking intrigued. I’m trying to decide when I’ll go back. I’ve been messed up on some drugs, and nothing like this has ever happened to me. I’ve been drunker’n a mutha and I’ve never lost control of my body like that. My brain is the strangest chemical I’ve ever used.

Exp Year: 2011	ExpID: 92072
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 19
Published: Oct 11, 2025	Views: Not Supported
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Cannabis (1), Tobacco (47), Meditation (128) : Combinations (3), Alone (16)