Citation: Zeke Ralston. "Giving God My Total Attention: An Experience with Psilocybin (exp92172)". Erowid.org. Aug 3, 2011. erowid.org/exp/92172
[This report originally appeared as type-written pages pasted into Book 3, pages 400-402 of the Shulgin Lab Books.]
REPORT OF EXPERIMENT WITH CILOCYBEN [sic]
Date: September 28, 1980
Subjects: Zeke and Holly Ralston
Dosage: 10 m.g. each on empty stomach
9:38 A.M Start
9:58 We both feel a first alert.
10:02 I feel coming on strongly.
10:20 We are both deeply into it, Holly feels strange body sensations. While my perception is rapidly enhancing, I feel my old customary inner discomfort growing, as in days of old. The chemical hits very strongly, much more strongly than I would have imagined. We sit on the north patio in the shade, where we can watch the mountains. At first I want to maintain an outer experience, and look at the marvelous beauty of the mountains. I soon give up, stretch out and close my eyes, feeling compelled to dive into the heart of the discomfort I am feeling.
10:40. In the shade it's too cold, in the sun it's too hot. We go inside. I am struck by the glowing colors in a silk tapestry hanging on the wall. Color enhancement is marvelous. However, getting up is quite an effort. It is very strange to walk, although my body feels like and airy. After going to the john, we go and sit in the living room. Holly is amazed at the imagery, colors and patterns flowing before her. Can't believe her mind is creating it; she can see how artists, movie people would want to see such colors and patterns. I continue to grow more and more uncomfortable too. Soon her body feels terrible; she has nausea, feels she has abused her body terribly with too much food. Thought of food makes her ill. I am having a lot of visual enhancement also, but feel too badly to enjoy it. With eyes closed, I see all kinds of moving, colored plastic forms and tubes, with beautiful flowing viscous plastic fluids. They are quite beautiful, but I feel the plastic imagery is negatively symbolic. However, it feels good to lie down and experience that I am doing everything wrong. I feel that I should be much more involved with people.
12:00 I look outside; everything outside is beautiful. I think we should have a chance of pace, get outside, maybe under the cottonwood trees. Holly feels too badly, is too weak to move. After coming back inside I too am hit by another wave of inertness, no longer care to try and move. I put on Mahler's 1st symphony, and we lie down next to each other on the floor. I close my eyes, and decide to give my total attention to God. It is difficult, as there is so much going on. But with effort, I gather up all the parts of my being and present them to God. There is a wonderful feeling of response and release. I feel compelled to say out loud, 'God wants my total attention.' From here on, the experience turned entirely around for me, and moved from below the line to above the line. It was beautiful, fulfilling, and revealing. Here are some of the Highlights:
By giving God my total attention, He came and joined me. The feeling was ecstatic. The pain that I had been feeling is the pain of God's loneliness for man, who has turned away from Him. But God has given man free will, a most precious gift which he will not violate. Consequently He suffers the loneliness until man turns to Him of his own free will. I could see that most of man's difficulties stems from out desire to impose on other's free will. We want others to love us, yet such love is nothing compared to what we receive when the other offers it freely. I experienced this when Holly got up for a while and sat in a chair. I felt a sense of desertion, of loneliness. I wanted her to come back, then I realized she must be free. There was a marvelous feeling of freedom that resulted. There was the pain of loneliness, but no so bad as to offset the marvelous feeling of allowing the other person to be free. I could see that I had set up all kinds of conditions for demanding acceptance, and that this was interfering with the free flow of love. Then when Holly did return to my side of her own free will, the feeling was absolutely marvelous.
Then I had a most marvelous experience of my asking for God's love, my partner asking for God's love, and His reaching down and touching us to seal our love. The result is a new life. Then I realized that I didn't want any more babies; I had had a vasectomy. I saw that this and abortion was the ultimate insult to God: the crowning result of man and woman's love is a new baby, to pour your love into, anew form of God. By denying the baby, we deny God. Suddenly abortion and my vasectomy seemed like a heinous crime. I realized in my case it was an act of extreme hatred for people. I tried to feel the depth of this hatred; also the depth of love for people that would welcome every new life into the world. I didn't feel that I could get to the bottom of either, although I felt them both strongly. But I saw the whole thing as a failure to trust God. My vasectomy was the ultimate symbol of taking the reins into my own hands, defying God and defying life. I thought, suppose there were other souls who wanted to enter the earth place with me as their father. I thought the concept was ridiculous: who would want me as a father? I felt my deep feeling of the utter both I had done with Tatiana and Caleb, and consequently wanted no more. Then Tatiana and Caleb both came into view, both happy and smiling, and loving having my for a father. Why wouldn't I let others have the same privilege? I could see that there was much more to me than my own views of the subject. This was a very moving experience. The powerful finale of the symphony ended with God saying to me, 'Trust Me, trust Me.'
When the music ended on this note, I was totally absolved of all negative feeling, deeply moved, and almost unable to do anything. After a bit I related the whole experience to Holly, and this felt even better. There were still some profound questions left about my guilt concerning vasectomy; however, I had a sense of completion of the internal work for the day, and that I should move outside and integrate. The drug effects were totally gone; I could have gone about me normal chore. However, it felt good to simply walk and look. Although there was no longer and visual enhancement, I felt very much at peace, and my body felt absolutely marvelous--very cleansed, light, quite different from the languid feeling that often follows other chemicals.
3:00 Holly was still quite uncomfortable; this was her worst experience. We sat under the cottonwoods, and I encouraged her to talk. She was having a lot of problems on her job. We talked about these awhile, and she felt better. I found talking easy, enjoyable, insightful, and very detached, wanting only to be of help without interfering. I was very conscious of allowing her to be free.
4:00 We sat on the deck a while, in the shade. It was the hottest day we've had in some time; no breeze. I thought I would feel better doing something, so I got up, started some watering, picked up trash. It felt good to be active.
5:00 We had eaten nothing all day. Food was marvelous. I walked around a bit enjoying the twilight hours. That evening we read, listening to music. I kept feeling better and better, and Holly though still rocky, felt better. We retired early for a deliscious rest.
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