Citation: Claygate. "I Have One Last Bag I'll Keep for Later in Life: An Experience with MDMA (exp92745)". Erowid.org. Sep 22, 2020. erowid.org/exp/92745
||80 - 400 mg
||(powder / crystals)
Several MDMA Experiences
This is a report of 7 experiences I had with MDMA in 2011. I have experience with alcohol, cannabis, codeine/tramadol, cocaine, speed, ketamine, mescaline and psilocybin. I am quite an anxious person, and suffer from dissociation and some other 'unknown mental disturbances', but I'm quite sane.
I am quite an anxious person, and suffer from dissociation and some other 'unknown mental disturbances', but I'm quite sane.
This report includes a brief account of each experience, my in-depth comments on the effects, upsides and downsides of the drug, and concludes with reflections.
#1 - Approximately 80mg of MDMA crystals
Three friends of mine had recently found a dealer of MDMA and invited me round at 2am, offering me their last bomb. I watched them on video chat for a while, two of them were naked and they were hugging and talking at a thousand miles per hour. When I got there, I swallowed the bomb and about an hour later I began to feel very light and speedy, this freaked me out at first but I rode it out and soon enough the rest of the effects kicked in.
I spent 3-4 hours with my arms solidly locked around my friends, talking the usual empathetic MDMA stuff, 'I feel like I've never even spoken to anybody properly before, sorry for this and that, I love you guys', etc. I was amazed at the hold that the drug had on me, nothing I had used in the past had ever had such a forceful push. Though it was the most 'effective' MDMA experience I had in the empathy department, I regard it as one of the worst since I was excessively loved up to the point that I couldn't experience anything else.
#2 - MDMA, 'Red Rockstar' pill
My second experience took place the night after the first, crystals weren't available so we settled for some ecstasy pills. After waiting for everybody else's pill to kick in to be sure it was MDMA, I swallowed mine and came up 40 minutes later.
It was much like the first experience but I enjoyed it a lot more. I had alot of good, long, deep talks with some friends and enjoyed listening to music alot.
The days after these two experiences I had a feeling of 'impending doom', a familiar feeling that I've had before after some panicky cannabis experiences. I'm not sure how to describe this feeling but it feels like everything has a dark, tainted edge to it and I can't feel comfortable or at home anywhere. This disappeared quickly.
#3 - Approximately 200mg MDMA crystals, taken in two doses
This experience took place about a month or so later. I had bought the MDMA with some friends one night but I didn't take it because I had work the next day. I pretended to swallow it and then pretended to be high while my friends were tripping on MDMA, which was funny but also kind of depressing, though they didn't notice.
I took my MDMA with a friend a few days later, again having lots of good, long, funny talks and enjoying listening to music. I also brought my guitar along this time, and playing guitar on MDMA is an amazing feeling
playing guitar on MDMA is an amazing feeling
. Every time I pick a string it feels like a mini orgasm, the vibrations and the response of the pick feel so good. Also I'm able to play very fast and accurately, with alot more feeling and ease than normally, though I can't focus on it for long before something steals my attention.
I was very 'out of it' the next day but this subsided quickly.
#4 - Approximately 400mg MDMA crystals, taken in small doses
The next experience came a few months later. I took about 150mg to boot in the company of 7-8 people. Again, I had alot of fun, talked alot to some people I hadn't properly spoken to before and generally had a great time. The most notable part of this experience was when I took the rest of my MDMA towards the end, and layed still on the sofa listening to music.
I felt really exhausted and dissociated the next day, with the familiar 'impending doom' feeling, and decided not to repeat this again for a while. I also discovered the 'post-MDMA masturbation game', which I'll describe in detail a bit later.
#5 - Approximately 400mg MDMA crystals, taken in two doses
Again, this experience happened a few months after #4. I consider this to be by far my most profound MDMA experience, and the last MDMA experience I would enjoy. I took about 180mg to boot and came up 40 minutes later as usual. I felt incredibly good here, did alot of talking as usual and had alot of fun.
The part of the experience which made it top the rest was when I took the remaining half of my MDMA towards the end, and sat still listening to music with my eyes closed. I listened to songs I'd heard many times before and discovered them in whole new ways. I could hear the textures of the sounds so well and every section of every song became so intense, perfect and meaningful.
I also experienced some closed-eye visuals on MDMA for the first time. I went through striped tunnels, checkerboard tunnels, seeing dynamic, symmetrical patterns scrolling up, exploding, spiraling, zooming out to a minute size and thrusting me forward through them at high speeds. Among the geometric visuals there was also a lot of strange mental imagery, an endlessly scrolling page of text with nonsense words written on it, five books standing in some grass swaying in the wind like flowers, among lots more that I can't remember.
This was a truly epic experience and sparked a strong interest in trying more psychedelics. I felt exhausted and 'doomed up' afterwards, but I had a ketamine experience the following day which eased me out of it.
#6 - Approximately 400mg MDMA crystals, taken in 200mg doses
After the fifth experience, I decided to risk repeating it just one week later in an attempt to get back to the awesome place I was at with the music and visuals. Though there are much better drugs for listening to music and watching visuals, most of them are not available to me and don't give me the solid comfort that MDMA does. I took 200mg MDMA and came up 40 minutes later. My friend left to go to his mum's for a while, and I layed down and enjoyed listening to music on my own for about 2 hours, when I began to feel like I was coming down already, and felt really sad and irritable because of it. I recklessly decided to take the other 200mg right away (I usually spread 400mg over 5-6 hours), and it was a disaster.
An intense wave of panic came over me, my heart began racing extremely fast, everything was in slow motion, my muscles locked up and I was shaking and sweating, convinced that I was overdosing or had caused serotonin syndrome. I really thought I was going to die at this point, and called some friends to try and get myself to calm down. I sat outside my friend's house ready to call an ambulance if it came to it, but I managed to ride it out. I put on my headphones and closed my eyes, lost all awareness of my surroundings and disappeared into another world. The music was intense and I experienced the most vivid, colourful, dazzling visuals I have ever seen.
The tunnels I had seen before became colourful and textured, I saw grids forming and twisting in weird dimensions, multicoloured cubes stacking, warping and pixellating. When I looked up at the sky with my eyes closed I'd see the most perfect, clean orange I'd ever seen, covered with spinning silvery batons formed into perfect honeycombs. I faced downwards towards the floor with my hands over my eyes and the world became a deep blue, the batons exploded and bounced off of each other, changing colours. I saw a long, deep, twisting blue fractal with other shades of blue moving around it and outlining it. With my eyes open I saw the same honeycomb-batons on the clouds, and when I looked at a white surface the edges of it had split into the spectrum, along with many more visuals that I can't remember clearly.
Before this I had always been kind of skeptical when I read about psychedelic visual experiences, I thought they sounded kind of pretentious and exaggerated, but my opinion changed entirely after this. This visual display was so vivid, detailed and dynamic, I've never seen anything like it anywhere, it was mind blowing, and I know MDMA is just the tip of the iceberg in this area.
Despite having an intense visual experience, this session was horrible. I am very mad at myself for not calling an ambulance when I feared for my life, even though in retrospect I'm certain it was just a bad panic attack. I came down abruptly and felt irritable for a while, and very disoriented the next day.
#7 - Approximately 180mg MDMA crystals
This happened the day before writing this report, about 1 month and 2 weeks since the last experience. I took 150mg and a 30mg supplement 2 hours in, early in the morning, after predosing on vitamins and drinking a decent amount of water. I am alot more cautious after the trainwreck of #6.
I came up after 40 minutes at usual, but the whole experience was cold, rough and edgy throughout. I was in the MDMA world of talkativeness, lack of inhibitions and psychedelia, but there was no euphoria or bliss to it, and no good body load. I felt very hazy, confused, disoriented and irritable. Another bad part of this experience was that I kept getting the urge to take more every few minutes, suddenly feeling like I was okay and could handle more, before snapping out of it and realising how gone I was. Thankfully I had given my supplements to my friend in advance and he saw that I wasn't in a good state to take any more MDMA.
Surprisingly, after the first hour of irritability, the comedown was pretty easy and I feel better already.
My detailed comments of MDMA's effects, upsides and downsides:
This drug is powerful. No other has as much of a hold on me as MDMA does. A recurring effect throughout the MDMA experience is a 'snapping in and out' between my normal headspace and the MDMA headspace. Usually when I snap into reality I exclaim by saying 'Oh my god, what the fuck am I doing?!' Experiencing this is very strange and gives me the impression that MDMA's effects are more like a trip and less like an 'ordinary' mood lift that I would get from drugs like cocaine and speed.
Though I am lucid and 'in control' while I'm on MDMA, my judgement is massively impaired
Though I am lucid and 'in control' while I'm on MDMA, my judgement is massively impaired
and I become oblivious to anything I may be saying or doing wrong. Part of my brain is switched off while another part is in overdrive, which can be both a massive blessing and a curse. The blessing being that it wipes away all the anxiety and neurotic, dissociative junk from my head, changing my self-image to very valid and likable. The curse being that I can embarrass myself, forget to look after my body, or take more MDMA/other drugs without consideration.
From the start, I become completely focused on my immediate environment and have little to no contemplative, private thoughts, as opposed to my normal dreamy, anxious mindset. I become spontaneous, understanding, quick-witted and funny (supposedly). People appear very real and friendly, and I can talk to absolutely anybody (including total strangers) with ease, having plenty to say about everything and anything. Even sitting with someone in silence is delightful, though rare. Social awkwardness ceases to exist.
Tasks that would usually be off-putting or troublesome become incredibly easy, for example: I called a friend and couldn't get through, so I called his mother to get through to him and even had a short chat with her before the phone was passed over, something I could never do while sober, though I'm sure it's a trivial task for most people. Another note is that I can take just about any other drug in my house, around my family, and keep a good enough hold on reality to hide my intoxication, though this would be totally impossible with MDMA.
A weird and fun effect that MDMA has is it makes it incredibly easy to talk, physically. I can spit out so many words in just a few seconds, make an endless variety of funny noises, prolong syllables for what seems like forever, bring the pitch of my voice from extremely low to extremely high, and even hum musical notes or sections from songs accurately. This is hilarious and well worth recording.
There's a constant and overwhelming feeling of pleasure from start to finish, a full-on, warm, buzzing, body orgasm in all areas. Even just sitting in one place, existing and breathing is orgasmic. I become incredibly optimistic, motivated, grateful to be alive, and massively appreciative of the world and everything in it. Everything becomes super interesting and enjoyable.
Listening to music becomes a totally different experience. Detail resolution and understanding is greatly enhanced. Every song becomes a perfect masterpiece with lots of depth and feeling behind it. Each sound creates fantastic atmospheres and imagery in my mind. Some songs I've never heard the same way again since hearing them on MDMA. 'Good Clean Filth' by Allan Holdsworth and 'Hate Zone' by Brand X, to name a couple.
For about 12 hours after I come down from MDMA, sexual arousal and sensation is heightened. After my 4th experience I discovered what I have named 'The MDMA Fap Game.' Shortly after I begin masturbating I feel like I am going to orgasm. I have a feeling resembling an orgasm but I don't ejaculate. I keep going and the same thing happens again, but more intense. This goes on and on, becoming more pleasurable each time and becoming harder and harder to reach the next 'mini-orgasm', until I reach a point where I can't go any further. If I stop for a while I can start again at 'stage one' and do it all over again. This is extremely pleasurable but becomes frustrating when I can't reach orgasm, though it does happen eventually (a result of either very hard work or waiting for the MDMA to dissipate further).
The state of mind it puts me in is an invaluable social tool, bringing out some genuine aspects of my personality and proving incredibly useful in some situations, especially with people I genuinely like. The downside to this state of mind is that the euphoria and empathy feels very false, forced, and synthetic, like somebody pulled the wool over my eyes for a few hours. Though this is only noticable in retrospect, many of the things I say and do under the influence are outright meaningless, disgraceful, and almost delusional in some respects.
There's alot of excess 'junk' that doesn't accurately reflect my real feelings and opinions. As easy as it is to talk honestly and make changes that'll affect relationships positively, it's very easy to say things that are massively overexaggerated, reveal things that will cause me trouble, and make falsely inspired decisions that I'll regret the moment I sober up. In addition to this, my short term memory and attention span get thrown out of the window, I can't focus on anything for long, I repeat myself alot and it becomes hard if not impossible to absorb information and moderate my behaviour.
MDMA also feels very toxic. I'm quick to freak out and feel anxious about things, and though I can't be sure of it, I am convinced that I fry my brain each time I use it. It wasn't noticable in the first few experiences where I was largely oblivious to any negative effects, but in the more recent experiences it feels like things in my head are getting burnt up in the heat of it. There's cannons going off shooting excess amounts of chemicals in all directions, and at the time, it's a blast, but I can feel the toll it takes on me.
I have read about people taking MDMA on a monthly basis and still having great experiences each time, but for me this wasn't the case. Though I used MDMA at pretty regular intervals (sometimes too regular for my own good) I was surprised to see it lose its magic so quickly - my fifth experience being the best and my sixth and seventh being trainwrecks with only slight traces of the 'true' MDMA headspace. I am not sure if it has lost its magic in the 'lifetime scorecard' sense, or if it will return to its original quality with time. Either way, I will be staying clear of it for a long while.
I am glad to see it go because I'll avoid any damage it may or may not be causing. I am sad that I got carried away and may have spoiled it for future use.
I am sad that I got carried away and may have spoiled it for future use.
I'll note here that even though it buckets out neurotransmitters like there's no tomorrow, I don't feel it has any addictive properties to it like cocaine does. I didn't ever have any sort of raw craving for it, I just wanted to repeat a pleasurable experience. I have one last bag of 400mg left that I will keep for later in life.
In my personal experience, If I could go back in time...
* Don't use MDMA often. Some people report being able to use it time and time again with little decrease in positive effects/increase in negative effects. This may be the case for some, but for me and many people I know, it loses its juice pretty quickly and becomes more unpleasant each time. I would use no more than a couple of times a year at most.
* Save it for a time when it can be useful in situations where it can be of lasting benefit. I've read reports of people taking MDMA with their partners and rescuing their relationships by being able to talk things through with honesty. In my opinion, this sounds infinitely more valuable than some of the ridiculous and wasteful nights I've had on this drug.
All in all, it's something to behold.
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