Citation: the howling doo. "The Whirling Void Enjoys the Hospital: An Experience with Cannabis - Hash (extract edible) (exp92785)". Erowid.org. Jan 7, 2021. erowid.org/exp/92785
I’m writing this more for catharsis than anything however, given the astonishing power of the experience, I believe this writing can play dual roles.
The setting was my mother’s house, night time and alone. I had just returned from a friends house after purchasing 4 hits of LSD and because we were old friends who hadn’t seen one another in many years, he threw in a ‘pot peanut butter cup’ cooked with hash oil which, unknown to me at the time, is far more potent than your basic cannabis.
The set is a rather tumultuous one. I had experience with magic mushrooms in my high school years, probably six or so times. I never had a bad trip and in fact on more than one occasion had the classical mystical mushroom experience which is one of union with all things, the realization that “everything is everything” and true reality can manifest itself by living moment to moment. More in relation to the night in question, there we’re many factors in play. About 4 years prior I had taken MDMA during my first semester at college and unfortunately this decision did not bode well for me. I crashed SEVERELY after the experience (which wasn’t very enjoyable to begin with, the set & setting for that experience was all wrong as well) and began a long journey of crippling anxiety that lasted essentially up until the time of this writing.
Prior to leaving for college and my MDMA experience, many things happened in my life. My mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer, the father of one of my closest friends lost his battle with cancer and a week later, my father was diagnosed with stage 4 of the very illness that killed my friend’s father (there is no stage 5 of any type of cancer). On top of all of this, my parents announced they we’re getting divorced after 33 years of marriage. All of this occurred about a month after my high school graduation, which is usually (and was for a short period) one of the best times in the life of an average American teenager. I left school weeks after taking MDMA due to a complete loss of reality. I was stricken with paranoia tantamount to self inflicted torture. Everything, and I mean everything created panic within me. I would question and fear people and my own thoughts. “who am I? why is my arm moving? Is that shadow moving? I can’t tell! Are these my thoughts? Am I thinking them or hearing them? Have I gone schizophrenic?” Paranoid psychosis to say the least. This lasted for probably a month in which I spent that entire time simply lying on the couch, all day, staring at the TV. Soon the paranoia turned into crippling anxiety and I spent the next several years on various antidepressants and anti-anxiety's such as xanax and klonopin. That klonopin may very well have saved me life.
Anyways, come to the present day of this experience and the paranoia and depression was gone but I definitely had an acute but chronic anxiety disorder, a sort of dull aching feeling in my body, strong and constant fatigue & a lack of concentration. I should also mention that I was diagnosed with ADD at a very young age and while I do believe the ‘disorder’ carries some validity, I don’t believe it’s as simple as the medical world makes it out to be. I believe it’s also over diagnosed but I digress. So I left college to heal my mind and body, which now leads us to the time of this experience.
I had still been struggling with anxiety and hadn’t really taken any drugs since the MDMA (it was molly, btw) save for a little pot and some alcohol hear and there. I left college once again because I felt what I was studying wasn’t truly my calling. I was lost in my life, not knowing where to turn or what to do. I had been dying to trip again but felt that mentally I wasn’t prepared, and I was right. However despite this I felt that if I simply tripped I might actually feel better as a result.
I returned home after picking up the acid and hash oil PB cup. I was nervous about taking the acid as I had never done it so I decided to test myself to see if indeed I was ready to embark on the LSD path. I had the PB cup of hash oil and figured it might be a good indication of where my head was at. Keep in mind I thought hash oil was just normal cannabis.
I ate HALF the PB cup and waited for the high. It came and I felt AMAZING. It was hands down the best pot high I’d ever experienced. My body was so warm and comfortable, a feeling akin to vicodin. I began listening to music, the melvins & tool’s collaborative effort called (divorced) off of the melvins’ ‘crybaby’ album. A brilliant song, especially the intro.
My mental faculties were that of a classic pot high, a deeper insight into the music, a sense of eureka! And euphoria, all with a giant grin on my face. I thought to myself, “I’m ready for the acid, this is gonna be awesome.” Just as I’d thought this I began to have trouble breathing. I sat up and thought “this is weird, I can’t catch my breath.” This soon became frightening. I started hyperventilating so I walked outside. “Ahhhh, that’s much better” I thought, so I walked back inside. Again, unable to catch my breath. “What the hell is going on?” I walked back outside and after some time, I was able to breathe. This continued for what I’d guess was about 20 minutes. My heart began to POUND. It would race to incredible speeds every time I walked inside, slowing as I walked back outside. Realizing that I felt better outdoors, I walked back outside and simply began pacing back and forth. This time ‘round my heart rate and breathing fluctuated rapidly, moving alternately slow and fast. I could not for the life of me figure out what was going on. Flood lights outside created shadows that blanketed a pair of bushes nearby. Colors began to form in the shadows, much like one would see staring at the back of one’s eyelids. The shadows seemed to create colored patterns interlaced with the branches of the bush. The shadows soon became indistinguishable from the branches themselves. I walked back inside and naturally my heart rate and breathing increased to an alarming rate. I began to believe there was a malevolent energy in the house trying to suffocate me. By this point I was convinced I was going to die. I always read people’s experience reports and when I see “I thought I was going to die,” the emotion never catches me. Unfortunately I too am not an eloquent writer so I don’t know how to explain this feeling other than that very sentence.
I thought I was going to die. As I thought this my vision went black (or maybe I closed my eyes, I don’t have any way of knowing) and I saw what I can only describe as “the mechanism of rebirth.” It was this massive, purple, spinning ‘essence’ coupled with a whirling sound. I was looking at it top down and from an angle. Spinning at a ferocious speed, little lights of green, white, yellow and blue popped up into the ‘essence’ from its undercarriage. As this happened these lights left a streak in the direction of the essence’s rotation and soon faded along with the lights. this ‘mechanism’ was similar in action to putting your finger in the water while on a boat. Your finger being the light and the streak of water being its ‘light tail’. After viewing this for some time I realized “this is death. This is the mechanism of rebirth.” I then asked myself “should I let go?" I thought for a second then concluded it wasn’t my time, there we’re still things I needed to do.
By this time my heart rate was beyond concerning. I rushed into my mother’s room and told her we had to go to the hospital. She felt my pulse and quickly agreed. Arriving at the ER the doctors were calm and concise, which I have to admit was very comforting. Oh also I had convinced myself I had lyme disease. I told my mother this and her response was great, “you’d better not tell the doctor’s that or they’ll put you in the nut house.” I suppose my assured demeanor manifested rather grossly in verbal form. Anyways, back at the hospital I told the doctor’s what I’d ingested and the guy taking my preliminary heart rate and blood pressure chuckled and said “relax, it’s just the drug. Oral ingestion creates a slower onset and lasts longer.” He then saw my pulse and said “wow your heart is beating very fast. A little over 200 bpm!” for some perspective, people die at 220bpm if it’s sustained long enough.
They sent me to a room, took an EKG which came back normal and shot me up with liquid lorazepam. This was incredible. I had no idea the liquid form of any drug could be so vastly different from its pill counterpart.
During the ride home all was well. The high became incredible. I was basically tripping. My mom was listening to michael buble, whom I’d never cared to listen to but soon realized has an incredible voice. Very reminiscent of Sinatra. At this point we were on the highway and the streaks of light from the road lamps began to dance. They popped right in front of my face, inches from my nose and formed little multicolored stick figures with top hats and canes. About four of them were dancing in unison in a straight line in conjunction with the music. I laughed out loud and smiled. My mother asked about the laughter but I said nothing. The rest of the night is inconsequential, I fell asleep soon after.
In retrospect I’m still unsure of why this happened. I basically had a panic attack but during the experience I could not conceive of this, I’d never had one before.
I basically had a panic attack but during the experience I could not conceive of this, I’d never had one before.
Many variables were at play here, my dull anxiety, my complete confusion over where my life was headed, completely clueless about my future. Also, unaware of the power of hash oil definitely played a role. I just COULD NOT figure out what was going on because no pot I’d ever experienced, inhaled or otherwise, was as potent as this. I even questioned whether or not my friend had dosed me with LSD. Not experiencing LSD before lead to even more confusion. The hallucinations were more akin to mushroom than pot. I mean who hallucinates from smoking pot?
Come present day I now know what I want to do with my life. I'm back in school, back on track and have come to terms with all the quarrelsome events that have taken place in my life. Pot just doesn’t agree with my anymore. I get high once in a blue moon and have a great time but chronic use just isn’t in the cards. Alcohol makes me feel sour and tired and I get abhorrent hangovers so I no longer have any desire to drink. I will be tripping soon however and am currently growing Mckenna’s penis envy, which I’m very excited about. I haven’t tripped in 5 years. I’ve found, through trial and error, which substances work for me. Running from life is one thing but the truth is, one can learn from experiences with drugs, none more so than the classic psychedelics. If you’re not learning in life, what are you doing?
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