Citation: JK23. "Chemically Induced LOVE Ruined Me: An Experience with MDMA (exp93210)". Erowid.org. Oct 21, 2012. erowid.org/exp/93210
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Hello to everyone my name is J and thank you for choosing to read my story. Iím from Johannesburg, South Africa.
I would very much like to tell you about the experiences Iíve had with MDMA (the drug Iíve loved most of all), the loss of the person I have loved the most in my entire life and the loss of the synaesthesia I was born with and took for granted (auditory-to-visual synaesthesia that would turn any words, sounds or songs into beautiful vivid moving colour images that seemed to be displayed into the world in front of me or with my eyes closed).
All my life I had been against alcohol, tobacco and any other substance of use or abuse. It all started in my sixteenth year of existence when I was at a lady friendís birthday party. I remember it was in September and I got drunk for the FIRST TIME in my life. It felt sooo good. The loss of inhibitions, the talkativeness, the ability to chat to people there I didnít even know or have ever seen before. Being that I am a naturally shy person that night was a big awakening for me. After then I started drinking at every party or social gathering I went to. Life seemed a lot easier and chilled. Before the end of that year I drank, smoked weed, took cocaine but all just here and there and weeks apart.
At the age of 18 (2006) I had done every drug I could get my hands on (cannabis, LSD, cocaine, methamphetamine, cathionone, methylphenidate, salvia, shrooms, opiates, GHB etc. etc. etc.). I had taken MDMA 2 or 3 times during this time but had never felt the ďmagicĒ, it only made me feel like I had smoked A LOT of weed and I was very loving and gave all my friends hugs and kisses the whole time.
The end of that year was my last semester at high school and also our last exams before summer break and everyone going off to university. In November a buddy of mine ďJĒ and an acquaintance ďDĒ were at my house having a ďstudy sessionĒ (Iíve known D from preschool but we never really talked to each other and so we didnít know each other well) but we just chilled and fooled around until I told them I was going to go have a joint, none of them smoked weed at all but didnít mind if I did. I was VERY surprised when D came outside with me and said he wanted to try it (I knew he had just broken up with his girlfriend of 2 years and was very down and depressed), so me being me and open to introducing anybody to weed we smoked the joint and headed back inside. I was on a nice high and I could tell that D was enjoying his first weed high. He kept saying stuff like; ďThis is so cool. Look at my hands. This feels greatĒ and so on.
The next afternoon I was doing the same old same old sitting around smoking a joint watching T.V. when the phone rang and I answered. It surprised me when it was D on the other line, how did he even get my number?! Well the brief conversation went like this; ďHello itís DĒ I said; ďYes I know, so whatsup?Ē then he said; ďNot muchĒ, thereafter a long long silence and I knew what he wanted and I asked; ďSo do you want to smoke weed?Ē he immediately said yes and I went to fetch him.
From then on the rest is history, I made a new best friend that day and we would smoke every day for the next few weeks. During our exams in between studying I introduced him to LSD. The day after he took it for the first time he followed me all around school and would look at me the whole time and listened intensely to whatever I said (this has never happened to me before). He would phone me all the time and texted me through the night, weird I know. Although a little creepy I kind of liked the idea of my very own personal stalker! But I guess this is how our best buddy status was confirmed.
On the day of our last exam everyone who wrote that day was going to go out to a club that night to celebrate. I remember it was during the last week of November 2006. D was still very down about his whole ex-girlfriend situation and before we went that night I told him that he should try MDMA as I knew given the correct dose (more than 1 pill as we are both big guys and through lots of studying Erowidís MDMA vaults) it would give him some euphoria or at least good night out.
Before we went out we went to my dealer and got 14 pills, so 7 for each of us (white supermans). I drove and picked up C and Z and we headed to the club. Once we got there at about 21:00 C and Z went into the club immediately but D and I sat in the car for a while and we both popped 2 pills each. We went to put some petrol in the car and get ciggies and gum and what not. While we were still at the shop the MDMA started kicking in. After about 30 minutes after ingestion on an empty stomach. We just sat there in the car and rolled for a few minutes. This was the first time I felt the ďmagicĒ and it was the best fucking feeling I had EVER EVER experienced in my entire life!!! We went back to the club but instead of going in we decided to stay in the car for a while. [Erowid Note:
Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. Don't do it!]
I yawned and stretched while we listened to some good electronic music. I could tell D was tripping balls as well because he told me thank you for this and thank you for being there and thank you for being such a good friend the whole time. I kept both of us hydrated by fetching water every half hour to be safe. We just sat in the car the whole night and tripped by ourselves, taking another 2 pills every hour and peaking every time after and every peak was more intense than the one before. At about 02:00 or so C and Z came out and wanted to go home so we did.
This was the start of the best 4 months of my life. Dís parents were away for the summer so we had his house all to ourselves for at least a month, his anti drug older brother was there but we didnít see him much. Every day we would just smoke weed and loaf around watching DVDís and trip every few days on at least 6 pills each, with always a 1 hour interval before taking more and always taking 2 at a time and maybe for the last peak take 3 or 3.5 to make it more intense. Through all these weeks I estimate we did about 150-180 pills each. D coincidentally also had auditory-to-visual synaesthesia (this isnít a rare coincidence as 1 in 25 people have reported to have some kind of natural synaesthesia) and we would compare the colours we saw on the same songs like on a specific sound I would see these white heavenly pipes oscillating around while he would see green streaks (on drugs or not). One day we were in his game room while he was playing PS2 I was on the P.C. playing music and making playlists when all of a sudden my vision started slowly but surely fading, it started with some black spots here and there and after about 15 seconds I could only see pitch black. This scared the living shit out of me, I mean what the fuck? How did this happen now? Well I was on a MDMA binge for a few days with little to no sleep and I also didnít eat very much if at all. D freaked out as well and took me outside for some fresh air and after about 4-5 minutes my vision came back, I had never been so glad in my life. I do suspect that it had something to do with low blood-sugar for not eating much and I immediately ate a lot of sweets and drank Coke and stuffed myself with anything that could possibly contain sugar.
Something weird happened during the last few weeks since we started our drug fueled friendship. I have always considered myself a try-sexual, meaning that I would try anything once with a boy or girls but I always knew I would marry a girl and have the nice house with the green lawn and the kids and the dog and the whole postcard perfect ďnormalĒ life. At a 2006 new-years-eve party at a club obviously rolling like a stone D told me for the first time he loved me. After that happened one day it hit me like a fat women running into a ďfree cookiesĒ sign. I found myself to have fallen head over heels in love with D! I only thought about D the whole time and what he was doing when I wasnít there and so on. I didnít even think about any other person, girl or boy, except D. I was infatuated with him, the way he spoke and laughed and the fun we had tripping together and the way he smelled and his muscular body and the way he would walk around in his underwear the whole time when it was just him and myself... I found myself jacking off to the idea of D and only D for weeks.
By mid January (2007) I went to University about an hour and a halfís drive from home. Enjoying my new found freedom in my own apartment I could do what the fuck I want any time that I want. Oh by the way for a year or two I have also been nursing a steady cathionone, Ritalin and any other prescription amphetamine addiction. I went into a full blown amphetamine psychosis for a few days in March but thatís a whole story by itself.
D would visit me every weekend and we would trip on acid and shrooms on campus and smoke weed and roll on some good MDMA. D went on holiday with his parents to the coast and I was desperately trying to balance an amphetamine addiction and classes. Not sleeping nor eating for days on end and trying to concentrate in class is nearly impossible.
Then one night out of the blue D texted me that he was done with chemical drugs and would only smoke weed from there on out and I was like okay thatís cool. After that communication between us steadily grew further and further apart (well I was always calling him and sending him messages but with no reply). I was devastated. I mean I would skip class and cry for days and days on end. By the end of March he told me that he wanted nothing to do with me and that broke my heart into 6.3 million pieces, I was useless for weeks, just lying in my bed and sulk and then my amphetamine addiction went through the roof, I always thought that I did a lot of amphetamines but now I was REALLY REALLY trying to get as much as I could into my body and even went through a 30 day subscription of Ritalin 30mg in one weekend, which caused a lovely few days of Amphetamine psychosis. By the end of March I had to quit University and moved back home into my parentís house.
It was mid 2009 and I havenít heard anything from D since March 2007. One day I took a chance and phoned his cell phone and he actually answered after years of futile efforts. We spoke very briefly and he agreed that we would each buy a six-pack of beer and meet up in a local park to chat. At about 19:00 I pulled up under the tree where we always used to chill and waited a few minutes until D arrived. It was like the years didnít matter whatsoever, as if we saw each other yesterday. We still had the connection weíve always had and we laughed and reminisced about the good old days without ANY awkward moments. He as well was now addicted to a variety of drugs and I could see he had lost a lot of weight. We sat there until about 22:00, then parted ways and went home. An hour after I arrived home I got a text message from D (I know for a fact that he is completely and totally heterosexual). He said that one night during February 2007 when we were tripping on acid he was having a bad trip and I asked him if he wanted to sleep in my bed, upon that comment he said that he realised he had never loved ANYONE before as much as he loved me and wanted to fuck me that night. And even 2 years after we parted ways he still thought about it every day and that must have caused huge conflict inside his mind. He said he had never thought that he would ever feel that way about a man but he had for the last few years about me and that was eating him from the inside and he couldnít get me off of his mind. I was still in love with him from the time he told me he loved me and I still didnít think about anyone else and never had a relationship from then onwards with anyone.
It is now nearly the end of 2011 and I still feel like Iím living in the past, those few months when D and I were inseparable. In 2007 I have gone to my first rehab for a month for amphetamine addiction and when I came out I went to my dealer that same night for a gram of precious cathionone (itís the same concept as cocaine but in South Africa, it is also made from the leaves of a bush and processed into a white amphetamine powder). I went back into rehab later that same year for the same Amphetamine addiction but this time I was there for 4 months, smoking weed there on the down low was nice for a rehab centre. Upon coming out in 2008 I started abusing Opiates heavily, any prescription Opiates I could get then one night at my grandmaís house I went through her medicine drawer and stole my first few benzodiazepines, fuck me THAT took the edge off. From then on I did ANY as in ANYTHING I could get my hands on that would alter my consciousness in any way, cough syrup, antihistamines, illegal drugs, prescription drugs you name it. I lost a few months while I was on benzodiazepines which I donít remember at all, I canít remember anything that happened during that time because of the famous benzodiazepines amnesia.
At the end of all of this I am struggling now day to day against addiction because once an addict always an addict. Iíve done a stint in a psychiatric hospital, I drink 11 pills a day to stabilise my serotonin and dopamine levels just to keep me from not fucking killing myself from the drug depression. MDMA is the most wonderful drug in the world but it ruined my life. I feel like Iím still living in the past and still I only think about D. Iíve had sex a lot in between but never felt any more emotion towards those persons except lust. My synaesthesia is gone, when I listen to songs nowadays and close my eyes I only see the empty darkness. I am quite well read on Chemistry, Bio-Chemistry, Molecular Biology, Neuroscience, Neuropsychopharmacology and the DSM-IV. I do very well believe that serotonin plays a HUGE role in natural synaesthesia and that the depletion of Serotonin via MDMA use may diminish the natural synaesthesia states, well in my case it did. I would truly like to know if anyone else also had this same experience! I feel like my heart turned into a solid block of granite where somewhere inside there is a little piece of pink still beating. Iíve lost all my friends, druggies and non-druggies. I still live at home with my parents, I totaled my car one night on benzodiazepines so Iím stuck at home almost 24/7. And all this because of a chemically-induced love/relationship state that a friend and I shared years ago and still canít get over. Iíve taken 12 MDMA pills at once one night to perhaps feel a little something of the MDMA ďmagicĒ but to no avail, after 2 hours of no effect I just climbed into bed and fell asleep.
I met up with D once after that and he didnít look good at all, very very thin compared to how big and muscular he was and I heard from a lady friend later on that he started dabbling with Heroin which I have never and will never touch ever.
I hate my life, I canít wait until both of my parents die a natural death so I can finally do what Iíve wanted to do for years now, overdose on some 300 odd prescription pills. Benzodiazepines? Opiates? I want to make sure I get it right the first time. Then finally I can go gently into that good night.
I love you D, I always have and always will.
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