Thinning Out Your Physical Library?
If you have books or periodicals about drugs, contribute them to Erowid!
Your old books will find a good home in our library or for a supporter. [details]
Full Ego Loss
by JoeBan
Citation:   JoeBan. "Full Ego Loss: An Experience with DMT (exp93474)". Apr 28, 2021.

50 - 100 mg smoked DMT


This is difficult for me even to write. Bare bones. Naked stuff right here.

It all started with my DMT trip. It's affected me more than I'm willing to accept. But, I'm starting the acceptance of it here. It was a big trip. A massive dose, probably 50-100mg N,N-DMT.

Full ego loss. Everything in my head was turned off like an old television set. Visually, first just a white cross, which shrinks into a single point, then off. Aurally, like the sound of a single drop falling into a still pond, with the final 'bloop' note getting extended on forever.


Suddenly I'm back. Suddenly I'm out again. Back again. The first time I open my eyes it's too much to handle. Better to close my eyes and back to the void. Open eyes again. I become fixated on my hands. They are an anchor. I remember these.


There is an 'I'?


Not only is there this thing, that sounds like the last tone of a drop of water falling into a pond. This thing is beautiful. It's everything,


But 'I'm' a part of it somehow. That is good, I'd like to be a part of it. I want to know more about it.

Tell me more.

But quickly, almost necessarily,
the more 'I'm' able to articulate at all,
the less I'm able to articulate what I just experienced.

Because it was the opposite of I. But it was definitely something.

Open eyes again. Hands. Yes, I remember these. They are impossibly scaled, or furry. It's all moving and shifting. All shades of green. I can see through them. They cut paths of light through the air if I move them too fast.

I do remember them, these hands. They are strange. But it's all strange. I can control them too, which is fascinating. Slowly the realization settles. I do have a consciousness. There is an 'I', and it's right here experiencing all this.

'I' am a human. I am sitting in this house, which is mine, I think.

Yes. My hands. My house. My name? Joe, that's right.

That was the beginning. From then on, it's felt like my consciousness, my soul, was strapped to an alien spaceship and rocketed out 5 million light years. Then it rocketed back to earth, back to my little skull carried around on this silly frail fleshy body. There was certainly something happening during that eternity of time, but I wonder if the concept of an 'I' prevents its understanding. It's a reality outside the bounds of this consciousness. Like the concept of a 4-dimensional cube, this is something that is fundamentally different to try to understand.

Then, I came back. To my old life. Everything felt weird. Everything had to be re-remembered. At first this was delightful. When I first regained control of my body, I walked around, astonished at my 'new' house.

I remember this place! I think I'll go outside. I love being outside, that's right! Oh, hello awesome bike. Hello iPhone. ad nauseum.

However, this was not a 'come-down' effect, I don't think. This feeling of rediscovery. This is my life now. Everything has to be rediscovered. Eat right. Work out. I need to re-carve these pathways. Be nice. Smile. Eye contact. Breathe. Dream. Wake up, don't be grumpy. Breakfast is great, you should eat it.

All these earthly experiences seem a bit removed though. A bit slippery. I still feel like a consciousness driving this alien body that I only barely remember, through this old earthly 3-dimensional realm. I remember how to navigate this life like I remember the roads in my old hometown.

But why?
Why should I care? I experienced something so much bigger than this life. It's out there. And now I'm here. Why should I care?


Because it might be all I get.

Because remember back to the beginning. My first thought, my first words, were 'Life is Beautiful'. I really said it. There's video proof. Yes, you are part of something. Right now! Right now you are part of something!

This is it!
That was it, and this is it. All together.
This is just as beautiful as that, and even more so, because
since there is now an 'I',

others that are not me!

And they get to come along on this journey as well! And they are surprising, and wonderful, and add to this experience so much more than you can imagine.

Because that's the point.

They have imaginations too, dummy.

Exp Year: 2010ExpID: 93474
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 25 
Published: Apr 28, 2021Views: 140
[ View as PDF (for printing) ] [ View as LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Switch Colors ]
DMT (18) : Poetry (43), General (1), Unknown Context (20)

COPYRIGHTS: All reports are copyright Erowid and you agree not to download or analyze the report data without contacting Erowid Center and receiving permission first.
Experience Reports are the writings and opinions of the individual authors who submit them.
Some of the activities described are dangerous and/or illegal and none are recommended by Erowid Center.

Experience Vaults Index Full List of Substances Search Submit Report User Settings About Main Psychoactive Vaults