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Wanting the Feeling of My Absolute Self to Continue
MDMA & Alcohol
by lavdrak
Citation:   lavdrak. "Wanting the Feeling of My Absolute Self to Continue: An Experience with MDMA & Alcohol (exp94319)". Erowid.org. Jan 11, 2023. erowid.org/exp/94319

 
DOSE:
7+ shots oral Alcohol - Hard
  2- 5 tablets oral MDMA

BODY WEIGHT: 130 lb


I tried molly for the first time this year. I grew up rather closed minded to the idea of drugs and although saying I had no desire to try drugs would be a lie, I was definitely too scared of what they would do to me to be open enough to trying. My biggest fear was that I would lose control of myself. As part of that fear, I was largely afraid of the fact that I really did not know myself, and drugs might open up a part of me I did not like, although a part of me that is real.

After amazing experiences abroad this past summer, I felt more in touch with myself than over. I felt totally open to anything. Although I was open to taking in, I was still not entirely open to letting myself out, and the problem with missing this as well never occurred to me. But feeling I was ready, and intrigued by everyone's stories about using various drugs, I decided to give molly a go around.

The situation was set exactly to my liking. I met the person whom I truly believe to be my soulmate abroad (this part later becomes important), and he had planned everything out so that I would have the best experience possible. We had a place to stay in San Francisco and picked out a rave scene where I would be surrounded by other people experiencing the sensation I had yet to discover. We began the night with some very intimate activities, and feeling more open than ever and incredibly connected to my boyfriend, we finally dropped and headed to the nightclub.

When we first arrived, I wasn't feeling much and was starting to feel almost anxious that I wasn't going to get anything out of it. I took more molly and we relaxed. Sitting down I slowly started to feel everything around me differently. I looked down and my fingers were gripping into my seat. My body felt filled with an incredible energy. As I looked around, everything and everybody had a beauty I hadn't noticed before. My breath was different, my movements were smoother
As I looked around, everything and everybody had a beauty I hadn't noticed before. My breath was different, my movements were smoother
, I felt possessed by the most incredible feeling in the world. I remember looking at my boyfriend and I know he must have seen everything I was feeling in my face because he smiled and said 'This is E baby,' almost laughingly.

We had the most intense conversations I've ever had with anyone. I touched him and grabbed him as hard and intensely I've ever touched anyone. Love was seeping out of my fingertips, and I felt like the harder I grabbed the more he could feel it. I loved the look on his face as I touched him all over and danced in a more sensual way than I've ever felt comfortable before. For the first time ever I felt like I did not care what a person around was thinking. Further, I felt like everyone else was incredible enough to love it anyway.

Left alone I would still hop and dance around. Being alone did not feel uncomfortable. I felt free. I felt more connected to myself and everyone around me than ever before. I was hooked.

The next couple of days were rough. I wanted more. My boyfriend really pushed that I wait a while. And I listened to him unhappily. But in my head I was waiting, counting the days, until I would meet that feeling again.

I want to touch on my second experience as well, because it was almost something entirely different. Parts of it were the same, but there was a new openness. The second time, I took ecstasy instead of pure molly, but I do not think that was what caused the change, as my experiences with molly after seemed to stem more similarly to this experience.

I believe my first experience really opened me up to experiencing it in a new way the next time around. The second time, it wasn't just my boyfriend I felt connected to, but even more intensely everyone around me. Everyone was lovely. I wanted to talk to everyone. I wanted to touch everyone. Feel the love pulsating from them and share the love exploding out of me. Everyone was interesting. I felt engrossed in people's words and actually wanted to hear what people had to say. I wanted to dance around with everyone and see the lovely smiles on their faces. I was ecstatic to see couples intensely touching on the dance floor. I loved all the love.

After this and the next experience, I felt like molly/ecstasy really provided some kind of amazing therapeutic value for me. I think it was becoming clear to me that my summer abroad hadn't totally changed me. It opened me up to change. But I still had work to do. I loved the person I was when I was e/molly. It wasn't as if I was someone else, it was as if I was comfortable being me. Something I've struggled with my entire life. I could say what I felt, move how I wanted, smile, laugh, dance, love in all the ways I always want to but am afraid to. It was different from the inhibition reduction of alcohol. Even in those moments with alcohol, I still felt some need to please people. So although inhibitions were lowered, I still found myself doing things I was not happy with. On molly, saying my inhibitions were gone doesn't adequately capture the feeling. I still have my normal fears, still was a cautious, shy little girl. I just felt like I could embrace that person, and that people would love her the way she was. I could be the cute little child I often feel like. I didn't have to pretend to be an adult, pretend to be responsible, pretend to be smart. I just didn't have to pretend. I could just be.

So reflecting on my experiences after, I felt I could see the person I truly was and wanted to be and like I could work towards getting there. I had a new found love for the drug and couldn't believe something like this could ever be illegal. Everyone misunderstood, I thought.

But there were signs it was more than this. I craved it when I wasn't on it. I don't necessarily believe it's chemically addictive, but the feeling, the feeling is so incredible that my body psychologically craved it. And I believe that pull is its own type of addiction. I didn't have easy access to it, so that kept me from doing it more often. But whenever I could find someone to talk to about the drug, someone that loved it to or someone who was curious, I would rave forever about how amazing it was. I couldn't stop. I wanted to make plans for when I would do it next, so that I had something to look forward to. I wanted it so damn bad.

Prior to my most recent experience, me and my boyfriend were low on molly, because we took more than planned the prior time. When he was debating not rolling, I lost it. I needed him to roll with me so that I could feel good about wanting to roll so bad. In a moment, I realized I was pressuring him to do a drug he didn't need to do. I think I realized then that we have different experiences on it. I think I realized that maybe it was becoming too much for me. But I loved it. I loved it so much I was so quick to convince myself that wasn't the case. The change of plans I said, that's what threw me off. We had plans to roll and he wanted to change them. But it was more than that and I knew it. I knew it but I convinced myself otherwise.

I had made him uncomfortable when I was rolling before, but again, I was in denial. I still had control I thought, I just had to make some adjustments.

This past new years eve, I became my worst fear. New Year's Eve arrived and my boyfriend had decided that he wanted to roll. We figured it would be easy to get more molly and it was. We had access to more than enough. We met up with his cousin before, and I drank more than usual before dropping. I had about 7 (70 proof) shots and a drink or two. My tolerance was up and I was feeling fine. My boyfriend drove us to the club in San Francisco and I dropped two pills of molly before we got out of the car. When we got into the club, I took a third because I wasn't feeling it yet.

In an instant, I was rolling balls. I couldn't stop moving around. The music sounded so good. The conversations were incredible. I couldn't hold a drink in my hand. I was petting my boyfriend and his cousin and loving every beat of the music. Swaying my hips around felt like magic.

Something about the crowd here was different though, I remember thinking that. Everyone had these light sticks and I wanted to play with them so badly. I want to touch and play with everything I see when I'm on molly, that's the child in me I suppose. But no one would let me play with their damn light sticks. I was promising everyone amazing light shows and they did not seem impressed. This was not a crowd on molly, clearly.

But I still felt incredible. I could not care less. I loved them all anyway. Midnight hit and I rang in the New Year kissing my boyfriend as hard as I could, pulling our bodies together as tight as they could fit. I felt so sexy and incredible. He looked amazing. We looked amazing. It got so good I wanted more. More could only be better.

Next thing I know, I'm on the ground. I am crouched down next to some guy I do not even know watching him pull molly out of his pocket. I don't know how I got down there. I know I heard him say something about molly. I asked him if he had any. Then there it was, in front of my face.

This is where I lost it. I felt like a fucking animal. There was this substance in front of my face and I salivated over it as I watched him pull open the pills and split it up for us. Every part of my body was tensed up in anticipation. He told me to open my mouth. I opened it and then I felt the molly touch my tongue. I was gone. I would do anything for the drug. The drug meant more of this feeling.

Normally on molly, I do not feel as though I've lost control. I feel as though the world has lost its control over me. That I can control myself the way I want to. In this moment, molly had control over me. It had control over me because I wanted the feeling of my absolute self to continue. In the past weeks especially, I have been down and acting a little crazy, and that was gone on molly. I needed it to keep going. My body wanted it so bad.

The next think I remember is this haze of my boyfriend pulling me up off the ground, asking the guy if he was gay, and then looking at me like I was dirt. He told me what I did. He told me that this guy had his fingers in my mouth, his hand around and under my skirt, that I kissed him as he pulled me away. That I had lust in my eyes.

It was the worst I had ever felt on molly. I broke down in a second. I couldn't believe or recall what had just happened. In a second this ridiculous feeling of elation was replaced with this putrid self hate. And yet it was still so conflicting. I could hate myself, hate what I had done, and still carry on. In retrospect I think it was because while I was still on the molly, I had this undying hope that my boyfriend couldn't stop loving me the way he did. That he understood and that we could easily be okay. I felt like dirt, but I had hope. I wanted to hold on to that. The thought of coming down was more petrifying than ever. I watched my boyfriend and his cousin split another one and sincerely felt like jumping through fire to have some more for myself. But they saw I was rolling out of my mind and wouldn't give me any. I was so insanely jealous. Insanely jealous they could have more and I couldn't. In the back seat of the car I started pounding down alcohol. I needed something to kill my desire. I knew how wrong it was but I couldn't get rid of it. I felt completely inhuman. I felt like a creature controlled by some pull of the earth that can't be explained.

The come down was the most painful thing ever, as what I did sunk in. I was hurting in so many ways. An animalistic desire for some drug had taken control of me and I had hurt someone I love more than anything in this world in order to have another taste of it. It was never a conscious thought, but I was weak enough to have something take control of me like this. I had potentially been crossed with signs and I hadn't believed them.

I write this as I try to work through things with my boyfriend. At the instant moment, I'm listening to a house music set, alone waiting for my boyfriend to return. It's why I decided to write. I heard the music and instantly felt the craze for the drug. I can't understand it. It's the craziest feeling ever. I don't want it right now, I know I'm not ready for it. But psychologically I want it.

And I can't say that I have some deep hate for molly. I do not. I still think that it is an incredible drug. But I think there needs to be care taken in using it. It is an amazing drug for enhancing a self love that is already there. For enhancing an openness you already have for yourself. It is not a way to get there if you can not get there on your own. Well, certainly it is a way to get there, but I no longer think it is a safe way.

I often wondered why people would need to do molly. I don't think there is a need for the drug, there is a need for the feeling. It's so hard to find openness on your own. Molly makes it easy. Molly holds your hand and takes you there without any strife. And its amazing, incredible, explosive, lovely, everything I could imagine and more. But it is not without danger. In some ways, I am still a very weak and insecure person. Because of that, the feeling molly gave me was too amazing. I wasn't in a place in my life where I could get there on my own. But I had a sick desire to be there. I've always had a sick desire to be there. And after I tasted it, psychologically, I couldn't stay away from it. Any threat that I was losing it was too much for me. So let me be clear, I do not ultimately blame molly for what happened to me. I blame a need too great to control. Molly was part of that. What happened in that moment was not me, it was me taken over by a need for something beyond my control.
What happened in that moment was not me, it was me taken over by a need for something beyond my control.
So ultimately, I did lose control. But I think my personal state in my life, and my lack of awareness of it, was part of the equation. Molly played a part, but it cannot be blamed entirely.

What I have learned is that I still have some work to do on myself before I can enjoy this drug the way it should be enjoyed. I am not saying I will never do it again. I am saying I will be more careful. I am a strong enough person for it before I get there. I want to be strong enough so that I do not lose control. I think that is totally possible, but until I am, molly is unfortunately not for me. It is like kissing an unhealthy lover goodbye. I want it so bad, and the pain (or the pleasure) is so much that just to feel it is something that makes me want to stay. I fear I'll never have the intense feeling again, but I know it's not good for me. I know I have to let it go. So goodbye for now.

Exp Year: 2011ExpID: 94319
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: 24 
Published: Jan 11, 2023Views: 437
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MDMA (3), Alcohol - Hard (198) : General (1), Addiction & Habituation (10), Combinations (3), Rave / Dance Event (18)

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